Selfish?

The last few weeks have been horrendous . I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. At last I'm starting to feel a little better. I still have a long way to go but for the first time I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like waking up from a bad dream. 

This is still a hard  time for me because I want people to know that I'm feeling better and I want to start doing things again but I worry that people will expect too much. Now that I am over the worst I need time to heal and recuperate.  I still feel fragile,  like it won't take much to send me back down again. I know the next few weeks are going to be difficult as I try to ease myself back into real life. I haven't really spoken to or seen many people except for my really close friends and family and I feel nervous about getting out and about again. 

I'm going to a wedding reception next week. They're a special couple to me and I'd been looking forward to it for months. There'll be lots of people there that I care about yet I'm petrified about going. I'm worried about being with so many people. I'm normally the life and soul at a party and I worry about what people will think. I worry I might get overwhelmed by it all and start panicking. Truth is, no one will think anything. They'll just be pleased to see me.....or not! I feel like people are taking notice of everything I do yet in reality people won't really be that bothered. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realise its me making a huge deal out of everything in my mind when it's not really about me. I think depression can make you selfish. It can make you get so wrapped up in your own sadness and pain that you end up thinking its all about you. Maybe selfish is a bit harsh. Maybe self conscious or self involved are better words.