Sunday, 1 September 2013


I don't know why he's doing it. I don't know why my ex husband is so concerned with how I am. Since I've not been well this time he's texted or phoned me nearly every day. He even came to see me and brought some shopping. He says its because he still cares about me and always will. But why? Why does he still care about me? I don't know why I'm letting him do it. I thought it was all done and dusted between us. It's a comfort that he's still there but it's also confusing. Maybe he really does just care for me and that's all there is to it. Maybe he's still in love with me and can't let me go. Maybe I'm still in love with him and that's why I let him do it. I don't know. When I felt so miserable that I didn't know what to do, having him cuddle me and kiss the top of my head and tell me I'd be ok made me feel safe. For those few minutes it felt like it used to when we were married. I shut my eyes and imagined I was back in my old house and that everything was back to the way it used to be before I got ill. Of course now I'm feeling a bit better I'm just wondering what the fuck he thought he was doing and even more so what the fuck was I doing? The problem with trying to be "just friends" with your ex is that there's too much history, too many deep feelings flying about. 
I do think he genuinely wants to help but I don't think he understands the aftermath. Its ok at the time but when he's gone and I'm left all alone wondering why we have to be apart, it seems cruel. I doubt his girlfriend would understand. She must be totally smitten or just plain dumb. He never tried to help me in the last few months we were together. He just buggered off and left me to it, so why bother now? It will be three years in November since I left and we still can't seem to draw a line under it all. When he came to see me I thought it was because he wanted to tell me she was moving in or they were getting married or something, but no it was because he was worried about me. Sometimes it's a real comfort to know that if push comes to shove he will help me and sometimes I wish he would just butt out and mind his own business. He tells me he still wants me in his life and doesn't want me to push him out. I guess it's my own fault. I need to decide once and for all wether I want to have him in my life or not and I'm just not ready to make that decision yet.

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