Saturday, 28 September 2013

"Uppity downess"

This week really has been what I'd call full on. My mind is still over the speed limit but I'm so tired that at least I'm getting proper sleep. I still feel exhausted.
I don't particularly feel that good but I don't particularly feel that bad either. I'm guessing that means I'm getting better. I'm not high and I'm not depressed. Result for my psychiatrist, a bit of a nothing for me. If anything I feel restless. I don't feel as if I've got anything that exciting in my life anymore. Nothing that really grabs me. Nothing to really look forward to yet I've got so much going on.
I've spoken to or seen just about everyone who means something to me this week. I've had moments when I've felt so content and so happy, like when my best friend came back from holiday but I've also had times when I've been sat at home on my own and wished my life away.
I'm so lucky to have so many people that care about me. I don't know why I still feel so alone sometimes. I don't mean to be selfish. I can't help how I feel and that makes me feel so guilty. How can I still feel so lost when I've got huge amounts of support? How can I still hate myself so much when I've got a huge number of people who love me?
I'm sure I'd be in a pretty sorry state without all those people. I genuinely do appreciate how much people care for me and that makes me feel, at times, like the luckiest,happiest person alive.
I guess my mood is generally flat, with a bit of "uppity downess" mixed in. Lol, I'm sure uppity downess isn't a technical term used in bipolar but it's the only way I can think of to describe how I feel. Happy and sad.

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