So it's over. I knew right from the start that it was just about sex and nothing else. Doesn't mean I'm not upset. I'm pretty gutted really. I knew that having sex with a guy so much younger than me was never going to go anywhere. I don't regret a single second of it but I'm struggling to get him out of my head. It was all so exciting and such fun. It's not that I was secretly in love with him but I do have feelings. I'm just not really sure what they mean. It's the fact that he made me feel young and full of life. What if I never have that again? When I was with him I felt no different to how I felt when I was in my twenties. In fact I felt better. He made me feel special. I felt totally at ease with myself and totally normal. I'll never forget that.
Sometimes I still can't believe it even happened, let alone carried on for so long. Eighteen months is a long time. I don't know why a young guy like that would want to spend time with someone like me. Not when he's so drop dead gorgeous and has the pick of virtually the entire female population!
There were times when I wished I was younger but I would definitely have wanted more and spoilt it. That's why I think it lasted as long as it did.....no hassle, no ties, no pressure. I think if we were honest we were maybe both a bit lonely and both getting over someone else, so didn't want all the crap that goes with conventional relationships. I don't know if relationship is the right word. I don't really know what you'd call it! Some people might think he was using me or that I was using him. The truth is we took advantage of each other and it suited us both at the time.
I don't know what I'll feel when I bump into him. Our paths will always cross, so it's inevitable. I'll probably want to hide but I'll hold my head high and smile. I fucking hate getting old but I'm determined not to let it end in tears. I wouldn't do the same with anyone else. He was special to me at the time and the situation was special to me and it will stay that way until I die. Yes, I will miss having the best sex I've ever had but I will miss him too. Maybe a bit more than I ever thought I would but it's ok.
A part of me hopes we will just pick up where we left off one day. Another part of me knows its for the best to quit while we're ahead and have nothing but good memories.....well that's what I keep telling myself.