Sunday, 1 September 2013

Sobbing Again

I'm sobbing again. It's a regular thing lately but this time I'm crying because I'm happy. I've just seen my son and for the first time in years I felt really proud of him. He just seemed "normal" and when he said goodbye he told me he loved me. I haven't heard that in such a long time. He's managed to wean himself off the methadone completely. I'm under no illusions that he still has the hardest job to stay drug free but for him to get this far is something I'd given up hope of ever seeing. To be able to have a proper conversation about everyday things is such a joy. He's spent time with my family and when I've spoken to them they've had nothing but good things to say. I knew deep down there was a good person trying to get out. He's struggling with withdrawals from the methadone but he's managing to go to work and carry on with everyday things. He's probably done more in the last couple of weeks than he's done in years. He's been out for a meal, been to the pub, been for a bike ride, all things that most people take for granted. I was watching him laughing and joking with my Dad and it brought a lump to my throat. Seeing him look so well and happy is everything I've wished for. I can still see that he's struggling. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be overcoming being addicted to something like heroin and then methadone. I've read everything there is to read about it and it always says the same. Heroin is the hardest drug to beat and methadone is as bad if not worse. That makes me even more proud of him. I do worry that he'll relapse but I've never seen him this focused before and he's got the help and support he needs so I'm trying not to dwell on it. 
For the last 10 years I have watched my only child almost destroy himself and I've been helpless to do anything about it. Now I am watching him begin to pick himself up again and that's the best feeling a mother could have.

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