Time is passing by

Time is passing by and I'm feeling a tiny bit stronger by the day. It's such a long process getting over one of my down episodes. I'm still worrying over the most ridiculous things . I've been putting off thinking about my holiday because every time I do it sends me into a blind panic. It's only a couple of weeks away and I can't ignore it any longer. It's been booked for nearly a year. A week in Benidorm with my best friend and her husband. When we arranged it, it seemed like such a good idea. I thought it would be such a laugh. Lazy days and fun packed nights. Now when I think about it I just want to cry. I just can't see myself being able to cope away from home. The thought of travelling and being in a strange place is frightening. Seems odd when only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to pack my bags and run away. I haven't spoken to my friend about it yet and she hasn't mentioned it. I think she knows. I'm leaving it to the last possible minute in the hope that I'll feel well enough to go. I feel so guilty that yet again I'm going to let people down. I really should have known  better than to make plans so far ahead. I've organised holidays and outings before only to cancel at the last minute because of my health. I'm trying to make myself want to go but it's just not happening. I even got my suitcase down and tried to sort out my holiday clothes. I ended up being physically sick. It's so unfair.

How strange. I wrote all that this morning and when I saw my friend today she mentioned the holiday for the first time. She said she would respect whatever decision I made about it and that I wasn't to feel pressurised in any way or to feel guilty. That's why I love my best friend so much. She understands me so well, better than I understand myself sometimes. She understands my bipolar better than anyone else I know. I feel so relieved that we've talked about it. Two weeks can be a long time when it comes to how I feel so I just hope I feel up to going.