Friday, 20 September 2013

Brain Fog

If it wasn't for the fact that I can read back on my blogs, I don't think I'd remember a bloody thing of what's been going on over the last few weeks. Everything just seems like a huge blur. Sometimes I  feel so confused that I really do worry that I've lost my mind completely or I've started to go senile . I constantly have the feeling that I've done something wrong or I should be doing something important but I have no idea what.  All I know is that right now I should be sitting in a bar in Benidorm , cocktail in hand, having a whale of a time with my friends. Instead I'm sitting on my own, at home, feeling mighty sorry for myself. How that happened I'm  not at all sure. I really do have trouble remembering what's gone on. I don't know if its to do with medication or a symptom of bipolar, probably a bit of both. The worst part of it is that I can remember some things with precision, usually the stuff I want to forget! I can remember every last word of some conversations. I can remember them in detail, right down to a cough or a sigh, yet I can't remember what I did the day before. I can't imagine just a normal day. Getting up, going to work, cooking dinner, it all seems alien to me. Going over and over the same fleeting conversation I had with someone, worrying that I might have said something stupid or upset them, seems more of the norm at the moment. I just wish I could get back to real life. I don't really know what real life is meant to be like but I feel sure that I'm not in it.  I'm nowhere near to going back to work. The Occupational Health doctor won't even review me for at least eight weeks. He thinks I'm not ready to go back and he's right. I can't even think about work. I can hardly remember what the job entails. When I try to think about it my mind just goes blank. How can I forget what I do for a living? Seems ridiculous. I worry that I'll never get it back. I guess I need to try and get myself back into some sort of routine but its hard when you haven't really got anything to get into a routine  for and when you don't even know what the routine is  meant to be. I'm having to write everything down as I think of it or I'll just forget. Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. Brain fog is what I call it. It's takes my usual scatterbrained state to another level! I'm trying to keep busy so I don't vegetate. I'm trying to read and watch the news so I keep in touch with what's going on but in all honesty I haven't got a clue . It just goes in one ear and out of the other. We could be in the middle of World War 3 for all I know. 

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