Holiday Blues

 I've made a decision about my holiday. I'm not going to go. Even if I made my mind up to go I don't think I'd be able to get myself organised enough. I've tried to look at it logically and there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't go. All I need to do is pack a suitcase and get someone to take me to the airport . Seems so simple but I just can't do it. The thought just terrifies me. I don't even know what I'm scared of yet as soon as I think about it I feel sick, my heart starts pounding,  I start to sweat and I can hardly breath. I guess I'm just scared of being so far away from home. I know I won't be alone but I'm just not feeling strong enough. I feel so much better but I'm still finding it hard to be out and about. I need the security of my flat. I need my own surroundings and my own bed. I'm sure if I could get myself there I'd enjoy it but I just can't get over the feeling of uneasiness. It's just not worth it. I do feel really guilty even though my best friend has done nothing to make me feel that way. In fact she's been more than understanding. Sometimes I don't think I really deserve to have someone so wonderful as a friend. If it was the other way round I'd like to think I'd be as understanding but I can't say for sure. I bet there are hundreds of people who'd give anything to have a holiday right now and I'm just going to waste it. I really am pissed off. I'm never going to book another holiday in advance. This is the fourth holiday I've paid for and backed out at the last minute. Trouble is I know I will do it again. I'll be on a high and get all excited and enthusiastic about going somewhere and I won't have it that I could get ill and change my mind. I can never seem to do anything the easy way.That's just what I do.