Wednesday, 2 October 2013


Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to live the rest of my life on my own. I'm not talking about having friends. I'm not talking about casual relationships and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about having a partner, someone to share myself and my life fully with. Someone who loves me for me and who can see beyond my illness. I sometimes feel like having Bipolar has damaged me beyond repair and that no one will ever want me as I am. I don't know that I will ever be good enough for anyone to truly love. I don't know that it would be fair to put someone through all the shit that happens in my life because of my Bipolar. Would it be fair to subject someone to such intense mood swings? I know when I'm high I'm pretty affectionate and pretty full on. I want company and I want physical contact. On the flip side, when I'm depressed, there are times when physical contact repulses me and I just want to be alone. I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling a lot of the time so how on earth is anyone else going to deal with it? 
I thought I'd found my soulmate in my ex husband. I thought I'd found the love of my life. If he couldn't put up with my moods then I'm not sure anyone else ever will. He told me that the hardest part of our relationship was the uncertainty. Not knowing what he'd come home to. He also said that was the most exciting part. Would I be sprawled naked across the kitchen table or would I be sobbing like a child in the corner? Would I be jumping up and down with excitement because he was home or would I completely blank him?
 I have fallen in love so many times....probably too often and too easily. Each time it's a different kind of love. It's very real at the time and it really does mean something. I'm sure it is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime, or even at the same time, it's the intensity of it that changes. I can say that every time I've fallen in love I really meant it. I've lived it and breathed it and felt it but it's never been the same as with my ex husband.
Love is a bit like sex I suppose, it can mean whatever you want it to mean.
People use the word love lightly.
People use the word love to get what they want...I'm sure I have.
The words "I love you" have so much power and yet that's all they are...words. Words don't really mean shit without actions.
If you love someone unconditionally then I believe it really is there forever. I don't think you can fall out of love. If you say you hate someone you loved then you probably never loved them at all. I hate what my ex husband did but I don't hate him.
I'm sure there are thousands of couples that stay together, not through love but because they fear being on their own. At times I do fear being on my own. I long to have someone to share my life with and I know I have so much to give but I really can't see it happening. Equally I fear being with someone all the time. I think I'd rather be on my own than risk failing again and I rather be single than just make do.

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