Sunday, 13 October 2013

Love or guilt?

My ex husband told me recently that he thought because I'm an intelligent woman I should have been able to realise what was going on with my health and deal with it. How ignorant can someone be? Even after all this time, he just doesn't get it. It makes me mad. He thinks its my fault for being ill. Yes I am an intelligent woman but at the time when I was first really ill I had no idea what was going on and couldn't possibly deal with it. All I could do was go along with what the doctors said. It's taken years for me to be able to recognise my symptoms and try to deal with them. God, he's such an arse at times. 
I agree that if someone has an illness they should try to be as informed as possible but ffs, if your in the middle of a heart attack you're hardly going to be thinking about what you're going to choose as the healthy option for your tea. Same with bipolar. If you're  in a deep depression and can't even get out of bed , how can you even think about going to the gym or going to work? Would be a piece of cake if it was that easy. 
I feel sorry for the fact that he's so blinkered. He either wants to blame me because he feels guilty or he really is thick. He thinks that because he sees me happy and managing things now ( on the surface), that I'm somehow cured. He wants to believe it anyway. I think if there was a cure for bipolar and I could get it, he would want me back. Until then I'm damaged goods. He still loves me but I'll never quite come up to scratch.
It's all starting again. The emails wanting to know how I am. The little hints at how he misses me and still cares for me. I don't doubt he means it but what is he playing at? We've been split for nearly three years and he still wants to be a part of my life. He's looking out for a car for me at the moment. I don't understand why he still wants to get involved. The stupid thing is that I'm letting him do it. I just can't seem to bring myself to tell him to fuck off. I should tell him to butt out and leave me alone but I can't. I don't need him in my life. There's nothing he can do that I can't do for myself. I am quite capable of finding a bloody car. Part of me feels flattered that I obviously still have some sort of hold over him and part of me feels comforted by the fact that he's still there.  There's absolutely no reason why we need to stay in contact yet neither of us can make that final break. I bet she doesn't know what he's doing. That makes me feel a bit smug. 
We have completely different lives now. I have no clue what he gets up to and vice versa yet we have this strange grey area where we come together and it's still as if we're married. A small part of me still misses what we had and I don't want to cut him out completely. I don't want to admit it but I like to know he's doing ok. 
Maybe we will always be friends but there's more to it. I feel it's a bit like playing with fire....just not sure who's going to get burnt. Probably both of us.  

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