Friday, 18 October 2013

And the point is?

I feel like I've just stepped off of the biggest, fastest, scariest ride at the funfair. My head is still spinning and I'm stumbling a bit, trying to get myself back down to earth. I got a thrill from the ride but I hated it at the same time. Now I have a sense of nothingness. Not good, not bad , just nothing. That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I don't know where to go next. 
Sometimes this type of mood is the worst. It's like being in a relationship where you don't know where you stand.
When I've been unwell I tend to bury my head in the sand. I tend to ignore things in the hope that they'll just disappear. I need to take stock and start sorting my life out. Instead I'm sitting in bed at midday, faffing about on my iPad . I can't be bothered to get dressed. What's the point? I haven't got anything in particular to do. I haven't got any concrete plans for the next few days.
Of course I have everything to do.
I haven't been proper shopping for weeks. Well, only for things I don't need. My food shopping has consisted of coffee and milk. The essentials! If it wasn't for my neighbour and the odd meal out I doubt I'd eat at all. It's not because I'm not hungry or I'm trying to diet, it's because I can't be bothered. I have a huge pile of paperwork, letters from work, letters from the bank. I don't know, there's loads of it. I'm too scared to look because I know my finances are in a complete mess. I know my spending has been out of control and I know I'm going to get a shock when I do try to sort it. I really don't want the bother of all that right now. I made a huge fuss about being allowed to go back to the gym and got a GP referral . I went to the induction and haven't been back since. I do actually want to go, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too much effort right now. I've just realised my car MOT is out of date by over a month.Work is the most important thing I need to sort out. I may have lost my job,well I know I'm going to lose my job, yet I cannot even think about it. I have a complete mental block when it comes to decisions about work. I just don't want to know about it yet. 
Sometimes I wish someone would come along and take care of everything. Of course that's never going to happen. It's one of the scariest feelings coming to the conclusion that I'm the only person that can help myself. 
I don't mean to be so apathetic. I do care deep down, I'm just having trouble getting motivated right now. I feel like I'm up and down like a yo yo at the moment. If I thought for one minute that one mighty kick up the backside would help, then I'd be first in the queue. Somehow I think I'll just have to wait until my mood settles or something big happens to shock me into life. 

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