Sunday, 6 October 2013

Tell it as it is?

Sometimes I think having Bipolar makes me too honest.Being open and honest is a good thing right? I've always believed it's the best policy to tell it as it is and not hide the truth. Lately I can't help worrying that by writing this blog I've maybe opened up too much. I've left myself feeling like the whole world knows my business and maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. It's not really about what other people think of me, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered . It's about how I view myself. There I go again . Being selfish.  I don't mean to be. I've
 done it countless times before...said what I think and then wished I'd been quiet. It's always worse when I'm hypomanic. I just can't help myself. Sometimes I say stuff just for effect or to see what people will do. It gives me a thrill seeing people's reactions . Sometimes I say inappropriate things. It just pops out before I know it! Sometimes I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking. I'd never say anything deliberately to hurt someone but I know I probably have. Opening my mouth at the wrong time only really happens at the extremes of my moods. I'm sure I'm generally quite tactful and sensible. When I was a child I was painfully shy, lol, something most people who know me now would never believe. I wouldn't say a thing. I remember being told off for being too shy. I think things changed when I hit adolescence. I suddenly found a voice. I remember being told off for shouting and screaming and being stroppy. Typical teenager.
There are times when being a bit high has been to my advantage. I was the Union rep at work for 12 years. I thought nothing of arguing my point to a room full of managers. I can't imagine doing that now. Whenever we had staff meetings and something needed to be said, they always looked to me to bring it up.There are times when being high has got me into trouble, like the time I called a colleague a lying bitch at the top of my voice in the middle of the Reception area. There have been times where I've thought something was so hilarious at the time yet felt excruciatingly embarrassed afterwards, like the time when my GP asked if I had an increased sex drive ( one of the signs of hypomania ) and I replied " why, do you want a f**k?". I find it hard to imagine that that was me. The more hyped up I am the more likely I am to say the wrong thing.
When I'm depressed I tend to do the opposite. I'd rather not talk to people at all face to face. I do get over emotional though and tend to write messages or emails. I feel compelled to share my thoughts. I just pour it all out and press send before I've really thought it through. I mean every word I say but I probably wouldn't normally say it. I've written pages and pages to people, going on and on about my feelings. I read it back at a later date and just wish the ground would swallow me up.
I guess we all do it but I guess having bipolar magnifies it all. Sometimes I know I'm doing it and it gives me a real buzz to just let it all out. Other times I have no idea and it's a real shock to be told to shut up or be taken to one side and be told I'm not acting appropriately.
I've been worrying about the content of my blogs but I doubt I'll stop writing them.

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