Friday, 11 October 2013

But it's not my fault?

It would be oh so easy to blame everything I say or do on bipolar. It would give me an excuse for every dumb thing I've ever said or done. Of course it would be very wrong and of course it wouldn't be true. Yes having bipolar can cause me at times to be excessively talkative, angry, promiscuous, paranoid, the list goes on. There are times when being bipolar means I haven't got total control. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't take responsibility for my actions. If I've hurt someone I need to apologise. If I've let people down I need to sort it.
I do take responsibility by trying to keep myself well. I take my medication. I've made sure I know as much as I can about bipolar. I try to steer clear of triggers like alcohol, late nights, certain people. I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The thing is no matter how much I do, it doesn't always work and the bipolar takes over. There's a very fine line between what is just me and what is the illness.
Sometimes it works the other way round. I blame myself yet the truth is I really couldn't help it. I'm sure I'm too tough on myself at times. If I think about it I actually manage my condition pretty well.
After any episode I can't help but spend hours ruminating over what I've done. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I do the wrong thing? Does everybody hate me? Have I upset people? Have I spent too much money? Bipolar or not I have to deal with the consequences.
I don't thing there is a concrete answer. Blaming myself, blaming others or blaming bipolar? It doesn't really serve any purpose.
Admit what's gone wrong and try to deal with it. That's the best I can do.

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