I am watching my goldfish. They just swim around in circles, stopping every now and then, to do what I don't know, then swim round and round again. The only time they show any kind of excitement is when I put the food in. I feel like a goldfish at the moment. I'm going round and round in circles and not really getting anywhere. I don't know what I want to do. I know what I should be doing but I don't know how to do it. This really has been the hardest time I can remember. I feel totally lost. I worked so hard to get myself out of the shit and in the blink of an eye I'm right back in it again. Nothing has changed on the outside, it's just me. Everything that's happened in my life is spinning around in my head and I can't make sense of it. I know these things take time but I don't have the patience. The thought of days and days of being miserable is too much. I want to wake up and none of the last few weeks have happened . I was enjoying life and looked forward to a future. Last night I wished I could go to sleep and not wake up. I hate those thoughts. I keep telling myself that thoughts are just that and they're not real.
When I talk to people I have to use every ounce of strength I've got to try not to break down or sound too miserable. I don't want people to get fed up with me. I feel paranoid that people are avoiding me. I would avoid me. Who wants to talk to someone with nothing good to say. Part of me wants to hide away and just be left alone but another part of me craves love and attention. Without my friends and family I think I really would die.
As I write this, sense tells me that yes there is a point in trying to get better. I obviously do still care. I'm just plain terrified of what might happen on the way. Maybe I do know what I want after all. I want to be a worthwhile person. I want to love and be loved. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be sad. I want to be kind and helpful. I want to be happy in my own skin. I want to feel alive. I've been there before so maybe I can get there again. That's about as positive as I can be at the moment. It's a start.