No logic

It's three days on since I saw my psychiatrist. He wasn't any help really. He thinks my lithium levels might be up the shute and until he gets the results he can't give me anything else or any answers. He doesn't really know why I suddenly feel so shit or why I started imagining things. I hate him for being such a dick. He's the one person whose supposed to have answers. Last night I took some sleeping tablets and for the first time in I don't know how long I slept in my bed. I slept for ten hours solid. I don't feel any better for it. 

I don't feel in control at the moment. I can't concentrate on any one thing. I've been trying to get myself up and ready for about three hours and all I've done so far is get a bra and pair of knickers out. The thought of having a bath and washing my hair is like I'm about to run a marathon. I'm going to see a friend tonight. I know I have to make the effort to get out . I want to take some more sleeping pills and hide under the covers but I know that wont solve anything. 

When I'm well I can always see the importance of doing certain things and taking care of myself. I can see the logic in it. I can't see the logic in much at all right now. It's like torture and its cruel. 

I'm trying not to think about Monday and work but its getting closer. I cant even get myself together to go visit a friend. How on earth am I going to go to work? I really don't think I can do it. That will be it then, I've completely fucked up the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I even care. Maybe I was only doing it because its what people expect. The happiest I've been lately was volunteering in the charity shop....no pressure yet feeling like I was doing some good. I thought my job would give me a purpose. It just terrifies me. I'm working with people that are so vulnerable and so in need of the right care. I don't think I'm good enough to deliver that care....not consistently anyway. I don't know what to do. If I was 100% well then I know I am right for the job but if I'm totally honest I'm never 100% well and I can't do that to people. I have tried my hardest, really I have. I wish someone would tell me it's ok. 

I feel like I've let people down. Maybe by Monday I'll feel differently.

I'm so scared

So now it's 2am and even though I'm absolutely knackered I can't go to sleep. I've got every light on in my flat because I'm too scared to turn them off. I can't bring myself to go to bed in case I start seeing things again. I feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of horror film . Last time I was in bed I saw some sort of creature standing by the side of my bed. I know it wasn't real but it looked real at the time and I don't want to chance it coming back. I can't turn the light off because everything turns into something horrific. I still feel scared but at least with the lights on I can see everything clearly. I don't think I want to go to sleep. I'm worried something might happen. I feel like a child.

I saw my care coordinator today and she's arranged for me to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She thinks my medication needs reviewing . I know it does. I know I can't carry on like this. I can't function properly . My phone just made a noise and I nearly jumped out of my skin. My heart is beating so hard I can feel it and hear it. I'm typing away because it takes my mind off of it. I don't know what else to do. I just want the night to hurry up and end.  

I don't know what's started all of this. Maybe starting a new job, maybe my son going to prison, maybe medication, maybe nothing. Maybe it's just part of the bipolar. I need help to sort it. I try my hardest but I'm not really managing it at the moment. I need to go to the loo but I'm too scared to get out of the chair. I have to go past my bedroom to get to the bathroom....fuck it.

Well, I finally plucked up the courage to go. It's taken fifteen minutes to calm down and be able to type again. I hate this. I don't think I can deal with this for much longer. I'm relying on my psychiatrist to do something. 

It's morning now and I'm just so relieved that the night is over. I think I nodded off for a couple of hours but I don't feel like I've had any sleep. I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've written as much down about what's been happening so I don't forget when I see my psychiatrist . I have to keep telling myself that while I can still do that there's still hope. I can still think and if I can still think even weird thoughts, then I still have some sanity.
This is the only post I've written where I'm worried about what people will think. I feel like a failure because I can't sort myself out and I feel inadequate for having such stupid thoughts. I don't want people to think I'm stupid, I'm just trying to explain how things are sometimes.

I don't want to have Bipolar

I want to write about something positive but I can't think of anything. This is what this shit thing called bipolar does. It takes every ounce of happiness and makes life a fucking misery. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of it but its just not happening. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm sick of feeling like this. 

Last night I spent the evening with my best friend and her youngest son and his girlfriend. Three of my favourite people. It did cheer me up for a bit but it didn't change anything. I still cried all the way home.

I can't get the bad thoughts out of my head. I can't see how I'm going to get myself out of it this time. I've done everything I can and still they're there. I feel sick.

I'm going to lose my job. I know it. I know I'm good at what I do when I'm well but I just can't do it all the time. I'm not just scared of going to work, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that something will go wrong and it will be my fault. I can't do that to people. I can't put others at risk because I'm not feeling right. This job was supposed to give me a purpose in life. All it's doing is turning me into a wreck. All I want to do is wake up in the morning and go to work. Instead I am up most of the night worrying and imagining all sorts of horrific things. Wether I manage to keep my job or not I'm fucked. 

I'm pretty useless at the moment. I look like shit and even with all the effort I can muster I still look like shit. What's the point of spending hours trying to make yourself look nice when you still end up looking crap? It took me three hours to get up and ready yesterday and when I looked in the mirror I may as well not have bothered. I look old and ugly. 

I wish I could make myself go manic. It doesn't work like that though. I could try coming off my meds but I'm too scared. I just want to feel normal. 

If I was reading this and it was someone else who'd written it , I'd be giving all sorts of advice but its not that simple. I really can't help how I feel and I really can't help what goes through my mind. It's so unfair. I've had quite a while being "stable" so I guess it's inevitable for me to have some sort of episode. Fucking hell. 

I'm not stupid but I feel stupid for not being able to control what's in my head. I have all this knowledge and yet it's useless. I know what's wrong with me so I should be able to deal with it. 

I'm so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life but they can't live it for me. They can't get inside my head and sort it out. 

I don't want to be all doom and gloom. That's why I think it's best to stay away from people. It's not fair to make them miserable too. There's nothing worse than being happy and some miserable fucker comes along and puts the mockers on it. 

I know I seriously need some help at the moment. It's getting to the point where I don't see the point. I've tried so hard to keep it together and I still can't manage to stay on top. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to have bipolar.I hate my life and I can't work out how to make it right again.

I really am trying

I should feel proud of myself for being able to keep on top of things and manage to keep going despite all the stuff that's gone on in my life but instead I'm dreading the day it all comes caving in on me. I sometimes feel like its inevitable for things to come to a head and for me to find it impossible to cope anymore. I always feel like I'm so close to breaking down. I have to use all my strength to stop myself from saying " fuck it" and just giving up. I don't want to give up but I'm not sure if I've got the energy to carry on. I'm still way to anxious at the moment. I feel jumpy and nervous about everything. Even the simplest of things seem like a real chore and I'm still convinced that something really bad is going to happen. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. If I take a step back and think things through then I know that my mood is low, so that's why I'm so negative....I just can't seem to stop it. Wouldn't it be great if you could just think yourself happy?  

I'm trying to do all the things I've been taught, like keep to a routine, do some exercise, talk to friends. I'm lucky that I know these things help but I still can't help feeling sorry for myself. I hate myself for that. I don't want to be that type of person. I want to be happy. 

I feel guilty because I've got a whole lot of things that some people will never have, like a wonderful family, great friends, a home, a job, yet I still feel miserable most of the time. Maybe I'm just plain selfish.

I'm sure people get fed up with me. I don't blame them...I would. I'm getting fed up with myself. I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel the way I do. 

I've sort of got used to the feeling down side of things and even though its not nice I know it will eventually pass. It's the feeling overly anxious and imagining horrible things that I'm finding really hard to deal with. I've never really had it before and it's frightening me. The most horrific  thoughts seem to pop into my head and even though I know they're ridiculous, they seem so real at the time. I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. I just have to get on with it I suppose. I wish there really was a magic pill to make you feel normal.

I'm going to die young

 I just read an article about how people with bipolar are more prone to physical illness and are more likely to die younger. Great, something else to look forward to. 

This year has really taken its toll on my physical health. I feel like I've aged about ten years in the last six months. A heart attack is bad enough but I've also had a skin problem that's left my legs looking like I've had chicken pox and a red rash on my neck that looks like my head is about to explode. My eyes are suddenly giving me double vision and my stomach gets so bloated I look like I'm pregnant. I've got bruises and veins popping up here there and everywhere and as for fitness, well I'm trying but I still feel like a lump of jelly. Just to add to my torment I have an emergency hospital appointment tomorrow. I won't go into detail but its really worrying me. My GP must be concerned or he wouldn't have referred me. I suppose all these things are part of getting older but ffs I'm not even that old. I've always tried to be healthy and take care of myself. I am pretty good about looking after myself. I'm careful with my diet try to eat properly. I have always done some sort of exercise and I've looked after my appearance. 

I'm finding it so hard to get motivated to keep fit now. I'm trying to join the gym but because of my heart attack they won't take me unless I do a twelve week rehab class. I'm not doing it. There's no one under the age of 65 and I'm sorry but doing an exercise class with a bunch of seventy year olds is not my idea of feeling good about myself. It looks like I'm going to have to join a gym and lie about my health. Not keen on doing that either but I don't really have a choice. 

I blame medication for a lot of my problems.These things must have long term effects. I try not to worry but it's virtually impossible. I don't think I can cope with anything else. 

Sometimes I  wonder what on earth its all about,  of course it's just part of life. Life really is a bastard at times. Of course I could just be making excuses . I just need to get off my arse and do some exercise.....! 

Feeling Used

In my last post I wrote about the guy I was obsessed with. Now I want to write about the guy who I think took advantage of me when he knew damn well what was wrong with me. 

He was a student too......I obviously have a thing about male physio students! 

The first time I met him I liked him. He was flirty, cheeky and quite cute. We worked well together. There was a bit of flirting going on but I would never have let it go any further at that time. I was happy with my marriage and happy with myself.

I wasn't really friends with him once he left but whenever we bumped into each other we had a good long chat. He knew I'd been ill and always showed interest.

When I was in hospital after my suicide attempt he was working on the ward. We had a long chat and he seemed genuinely concerned for me. He said we should stay in touch when I got home. He knew I had bipolar. 

Over the next few weeks we had the odd chat on Facebook and it was nice to have someone show some interest. He had a girlfriend so it wasn't anything more than just friends. I was probably at my most vulnerable at that time and my moods were all over the place. 

I don't know if I was a bit high and acting a bit bolder than usual but out of the blue he propositioned me. I was flattered and jumped at the chance. I was lonely. I felt guilty about his girlfriend but I  figured that they weren't married and didn't have kids, so somehow I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was his problem.

The sex was ok but not great. I wasn't really ready for even a casual thing.  We only got together two or three times. 

I got depressed again and turned him down. He came to visit me and we just chatted. I thought he genuinely cared as a friend. The next time he wanted sex and I said I wasn't up for it he blocked me from Facebook and I've never seen or heard from him  since. 

I think the guy is an arsehole. He knew I wasn't right. He knew I was vulnerable. He used me and then discarded me when he didn't get what he wanted. If I ever see him again I'd like to slap him.

If I hadn't been ill I'm sure I wouldn't have got into that situation. When you're not feeling 100% it's much more difficult to read situations and things can get confused or distorted. Something else I'm getting better at coping with now.

Obsessed

When I think back to before I was diagnosed and when I really wasn't good at recognising what was happening to me there is a guy I think about and wish I could have the chance to make it right.

I'd been away for Christmas and was feeling depressed and I didn't want to go back to work. 

When I did go back to work we had a new physio student . The first time I met Mike I didn't like him at all. Yes he was good looking but I thought he was cocky and arrogant. The first time I went out on a home visit with him I completely changed my mind. He was a bit unsure of himself yet so easy to talk to and funny. I really liked him. He was with us for three months and I enjoyed every minute of him being there. I enjoyed having male company. My mood definitely changed from depressed to upbeat. I looked forward to going to work and I looked forward to chatting to him. We really did have some in depth conversations. I can't lie, I did fancy him but it really wasn't about that. I was married and he had a girlfriend. There was an attraction there though and I'm sure it wasn't just me. We definitely had a connection. He paid attention to me and made me feel good. We talked about everything. 

I didn't realise at the time but I think I became a bit obsessed, no, totally obsessed. I thought we were true friends and that we would stay friends forever. Nothing ever happened between us , just a quick kiss and a bit of a fumble on a works night out. I was paralytic drunk and I'm sure if he'd have wanted to it would have gone further. I cringe now at the way I must have behaved. To anyone else my obsession was obvious. My husband made loads of comments about how I fancied the physio....lol I made loads of comments about how I fancied the physio!  He said later he was sure I'd been having an affair. I'm sure my work colleagues noticed how we spent so much time together, laughing and joking and mucking about. They used to refer to him as "Lynns' Mike". 

It was when he left that things got out of hand. I missed him being there, simple as that. Trouble was I began thinking about him all of the time. I constantly tried to think of ways to keep in touch. I sent him long emails about how I felt. It wasn't normal behaviour. It was almost bordering on stalking. For someone supposedly so sensible, I was acting like a prat. He was pleasant enough but obviously not that bothered and tried to put me off. It made me  ill and I couldn't really tell anyone. I never wanted anything from him but to be a friend. I honestly don't remember how it came to a conclusion because I became too ill. When I think back I feel guilty for giving him such shit and probably making him feel really awkward. I'd never have normally done that. I'm usually quite in tune with other people's feelings. I feel a fool. If I ever met him again I would apologise as I'm sure that if I'd have acted normally we would probably have stayed friends .
I feel sure that I'd gone from depressed to a bit manic and that's why I acted the way I did. Now I'm much more in tune with my moods and feelings. I know that it's easy to become obsessed with people or things and I am better equipped to deal with it......well I think I am. 

I'm not very well

I'm not very well. I know there's something very wrong but I can't quite figure it out. All I know is that right now I'm tired. Tired of it all. Tired of trying to be everything to everybody. Every minute of every day I'm scared and I don't know why. I wish I could just disappear . I don't want to be here but there's nowhere to go. I don't know what to do. Everything I do frightens me and its exhausting. I want it to stop. If it wasn't for the fact that I'd be letting people down I would pack a suitcase and run away. I want to be left alone but that's impossible. I don't want responsibility and I don't want to be relied on .  

I thought if I got a good nights sleep I might wake up in a better frame of mind but I just woke up crying. I just woke up with an overwhelming sense of doom. I feel as if something really bad is going to happen. My mind is racing. I hate this feeling. I just want to feel normaL. I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I feel like there's something missing from my life but I don't know what it is. Apart from the trouble with my son, life is ticking along quite nicely without any drama. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I need drama. I'm not used to things going smoothly. I feel on edge. 
Maybe it's the calm before the storm. I'm always expecting something bad to happen. I'll go back to bed. Maybe I can try to start the day again later.
I can't quite believe I wrote that. I do feel differently now, thank goodness. I still sometimes find it difficult to come to terms with how quickly my feelings and moods change. I don't feel great now but I've lost that feeling of doom. I think things are getting better :-) 

For the Best?

It's nearly a month since I found out my son is in prison. Yesterday I had a phone call. I'd almost given up on hearing from him , so I was a bit shocked. I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear his voice . 

Strange as it sounds , I think going to prison is going to be the best thing that could have happened to him. I always thought prison was there to punish people but I think in his case it will give him the kickstart he needs to get clean and turn his life around. 

I can honestly say that I haven't heard him sound so animated and alive for years. He sounded like he did before the drugs. He told me that he's on the detox wing and that he's down to 20 mg of Methadone and plans to be completely off of it within five weeks. That's the first time he's ever had a proper plan to get clean. He told me he's put on weight because he's actually eating properly, he has a job and he's been to the gym every day. He tells me he feels human again and that he's thinking about a future . This is the best news I've had in months. Even though he's miles away and locked up I feel like I've got my son back. I will go and visit him soon . I never thought I'd say I was looking forward to visiting someone in prison.

All I can do is be there for him when he gets out. I hope that having some routine in his life will give him the strength to continue when he gets home. I think it will be ok this time.