Sunday, 30 June 2013

No Confidence

Sometimes I ooze confidence . I don't know why, it just happens. Other times I am so insecure it makes me physically sick. 
At the moment my confidence is at an all time low and I'm finding it hard to do stuff that I've done hundreds of times before, without it being a huge issue. Driving is a prime example. I've been driving for over twenty years. I've never had a major accident or got into any trouble yet every time I get in the car lately I feel anxious. Yesterday I sat in my car for two hours because someone had parked too close to me and I thought I couldn't get out. How ridiculous and what a waste of time. All I kept thinking was that I'd hit the car in front, I'd make an idiot of myself, I'd get my car stuck, I'd have a panic attack. The list of stupid reasons why I couldn't do it grew the more I thought about it.  Luckily the other car moved or I might have been there all night. I don't know what I would have done. It really makes me feel stupid as on a different day I would have just driven off without even thinking about it.
I'm trying so hard to carry on with normality. If I let these feelings get the better of me then I won't be able to function. I don't know if its a phase or wether I need my medication reviewed. Whatever it is its not normal. I feel panicky and shaky and am having the most bizarre thoughts. I've convinced myself that my front tooth is going to crack. Where that came from I don't know but I am terrified to look in the mirror.
I  feel sure that my flat is going to get burgled , so I really shouldn't leave it. I'm going to have another heart attack. I'm going to go blind. All the time thoughts that make me feel scared.
Work is a real nightmare. I am petrified that something is going to happen. It's turned from something I love doing into something I dread. I've probably hoisted thousands of people over the years but the thought of using the hoist now is so frightening. I've convinced myself that I can't do things that I know I can do. 
I'm having to use all my strength to keep going. It would be so easy to call in sick and just stay indoors. I probably would have done that a few months ago but I'm determined to try and work my way through it. I can't rely on anyone else to get by.
I've made an appointment with my care coordinator and will try to get to see my psychiatrist. That's all I can do.

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