Pretending

I spend a huge amount of my time pretending I'm fine when I'm not. I don't know if it would be classed as lying...though sometimes I admit I've told some real porkers! It's bloody hard work being me at times and sometimes I pretend I'm someone else.  If I acted out how I really felt on a daily basis then probably no one would ever talk to me again. I'm sure we all do it. We all put on different masks for different situations. Most people would describe me as a happy person. Someone at work commented that they've never seen someone smile so much. It's easier to smile and let people think you're ok than try and explain why you're not. People don't want to know anyway. I know people that always moan and come across as miserable and I avoid them like the plague. If I try to come across as happy then sometimes it rubs off and I actually start to feel happier. I don't want to be miserable and I don't want to be a negative person, which is why it's so hard sometimes. My mind is constantly battling to stay on top. It would be so easy to just say fuck it and give up. I think I'd easily turn into some kind of hermit. It's not that I don't enjoy anything. Of course I do . It's just that unfortunately my moods mean that I spend more time depressed than high. I don't want people to get fed up with me so I pretend to be happy.

I've decided that I'm way too negative lately. I've been trying to think positive thoughts and do you know what? It's really helping to lift my mood. I've been trying to think about the good things in my life in the hope that I can bury the negatives. Every time I think of something bad I try to think of something good to balance it out. It's not easy but it seems to work. There's always someone worse off. 

I don't know who wrote this but I can so identify with it. Whoever wrote it is so talented. 

This mask I wear,

She serves me well,

She hides my pain,

So they can’t tell.

They see her smile,

Never my tears,

She shows no sorrow,

She fights all my fears.

They believe she is me,

If only they knew,

That she is my mask,

My saviour too.

My scars she hides,

Behind laughter and lies,

She says that she’s fine,

But slowly she dies....