I feel so much better now that I'm back at work. I feel like I have a purpose again. I feel like a "proper" person. I'm loving it, doing something I enjoy and being paid for it...can't be bad! 

The best thing about this new job is that nobody, except for my manager knows anything about me. They have to judge me as I am now. Nothing is clouded by my past. They're not looking for problems like they did at the last place. 

So everything is perfect and everything is fine...I wish. As happy as I am I still find it difficult to cope with it all. It's a constant juggling act to manage being bipolar and getting on with an ordinary life. I'm managing really well but it's tough.  I try not to be negative but I can't help worrying. I'm always wary when things seem too good to be true. 

I just can't quite believe that something so good could happen to me. Maybe I've conditioned myself into always expecting the worst....that way whatever happens its not such a shock. I know I'm constantly contradicting myself . Last night in bed all I kept thinking was what if someone falls over when I'm treating them. This morning I was grinning from ear to ear just at the thought of going to work. 

Sometimes I do wonder what on earth it's all about. I'm sure we just make things much more complicated  in life than it needs to be. I suppose that's what humans do. When it comes down to basics all you really need is a roof over your head and food.....and money and clothes and friends and work and ........and........ and.....Lol,  oh well. 

I try to take one day at a time but the trouble with me is as soon as I've got through one I'm worrying about the next. I had a great day today so by rights I should be relaxing and enjoying it but oh no I'm worrying about what might go wrong tomorrow .....what if I don't get up in the morning? What if I'm late for work? What if the car breaks down? What if I don't hear from my friend? What if...... Then when there's nothing left to worry about tomorrow I start worrying about the weekend and the following week. Before I know it I'm worrying about my holiday, which is not for three months. Then I'm worrying about the future and what will happen when I get old. I wish I could just take a chill pill and forget it all. Of course I already take chill pills! God knows what I'd be like if I didn't. Maybe I need to try and fill my time up more. I think I have to face facts that relaxing  is not something I can do. 

It's funny. I just read this back and realised I've pretty much repeated myself from a previous blog. Must be true then....either that or I'm going insane !