Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Can't Switch My Brain Off!

Can't switch my brain off!
It's not necessarily a bad thing because I'm actually in a good mood. It's just that my mind is so full of everything and anything I think I'm going to be wide awake all night. I have had a great day today and by rights I should be knackered. I really should try and do something calming like have a bath or listen to some quiet music but I can't , well I don't want to. I love this feeling. I rarely feel really happy so I'm not going to let it pass too quickly. Of course I know I'm probably going to get hypomanic but I really need it. I'll just have to be wary that it doesn't get out of hand. I need to do so much and this will give me the edge I need. I'm writing lists for everything...don't want to miss anything out. I get so much more done when I'm in this mood. I need to do stuff that ordinarily seems tedious and boring. I need to catch up with people I haven't seen for a while, buy a new car ( been meaning to for months), sort out my finances, start painting again....another thing I've been wanting to do for about a million years, sort stuff out for a boot sale, read the book I've had for months, do some research for work and loads more. The only reason I'm sitting down to write this is because its 3 o'clock in the morning and there's no one to talk to. That's another thing , I need to make some phone calls , you know the ones you have to make but mostly can't be arsed. I'm in the mood to chat. I need to find someone to talk to. I sure I can find someone online who wants to chat. Oh how I love the Internet :-) 
I need to make the most of this. What goes up always comes down so I need to do as much as I can before it passes. I'm always good at multi tasking when I'm a bit high so I want to fit in as much as possible. I can do in a day what normally takes me a week. I really could do with sex too ! Might need to call on a friend :-) 
I  should try to get some sleep but I'm not tired anyway. I'm up and down out of the chair like a yo-yo . Lol, I reckon I've got ants in my pants! 
One thing I have learned is that if I act quickly enough,  I can have some control over this. If I don't sleep tomorrow night either,  then I have to take some sleeping pills. If not I know I'll just get more and more hyper and end up doing stupid things like spending loads of money on crap. Trouble is I don't want to calm myself down just yet. I'm enjoying things I don't usually enjoy so much. I'm loving driving at the moment. I know I'm probably going a bit faster than normal but at least I feel confident. That's what I relish....feeling confident. 
I just need to stay focused and mindful of how I'm feeling. 
There are times when I've started feeling way out of control. I usually have reasonable insight into my moods but I can't always deal with it. If I'm not sleeping and my spending is going haywire and I know I'm doing it but can't stop then things are not right and I'm heading for a major upset. When I look back some things just seem dead funny...of course it's not but if you don't see the funny side, what's the point? I can't change the past but I have learned from it. When I was at my worst I spent thousands of pounds on eBay in a very short time. It kept me occupied and it was fun bidding on stuff and winning. One night I decided I needed a cardigan. I ended up with eighteen, lol, one in every colour you could think of. Of course I didn't need them but at the time thought they were essential. Cardigans? the middle of summer! I've had collections of all sorts of useless things.90 necklaces ,  24 roll on deodorants, 36 pairs of leggings, 15 fish ornaments...crazy!  Even the postman started making comments. I've even bought the same thing three or four times without realising.   I still have phases but I've made sure I can't get to my money as easily. There are some great advantages to being a bit high but without care things can turn into obsessions. I definitely take more risks when I'm like that. I'm surprised I haven't ended up in a ditch in the middle of the night. Driving around at full speed in my pyjamas, with the music at full volume is not something I normally do. It scares me now,  but not at the time. 
What I'd hate is to lose that sense of excitement completely. I don't want to be so drugged up that I lose my personality. Bipolar or not, I'm still a bit scatty and that's how I want to stay.  
Thankfully I'm not that bad at the moment and I'm going to do the sensible thing and take some sleeping tablets tomorrow night ....well, maybe. 

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