So I haven't seen or heard from my son for over two weeks. I've tried ringing him but his phone is either off or no answer. It's nothing unusual. If I don't keep in touch I doubt I'd ever see him. I'm sure he doesn't mean it. I suppose he's not even with it half the time.
I try my best to do what I can but its a bit like banging your head against a brick wall.
I know he's got a hard life but it hurts when I get pushed out. I know I haven't always been the best Mum in the world but I've always been there if I can.
He's not a bad person. He just took the wrong path and now he's paying for it. It's not for me to say how he lives his life. I just wish he was happy. I know he's not. I can see it in his eyes.
If I just turn up on his doorstep I know he won't let me in and I know it's because of the state of the place.
When he first moved into his flat with his girlfriend I really thought it would turn their lives around and give them the motivation to get on in life. They'd been homeless for six months and had been staying in a caravan in someone's garden. They had no water or electric and only a few clothes in carrier bags. I used to let them come to mine for a bath. I never realised how bad it was for them. I don't know what I thought they were doing. The flat needed everything when they moved in. I spent a small fortune getting them the essentials....cooker, washing machine, carpets, bedding.....well everything. It looked lovely and I thought things would just get better. I thought he was off the drugs and I thought he was settled.
It didn't take long....only a few months for the place to become a complete shit hole. Sounds harsh but that's the only way I can describe it. I don't know why they choose to live like that. It's not really my business so I can't say much. I have tried to help them sort it a few times but it just ends up the same. It's hard to describe . It's just a filthy, smelly, mess. I would love to take my mum and dad to visit but I'd be too ashamed.
I know he's ashamed too, which is why he wont let me in unless he knows I'm coming so he can clear up a bit. He was always a bit like me when he was younger, clean, tidy and maybe a bit obsessed with having things just right. I guess that being apathetic is one of the side effects of using heroin.
He never looks well. He's so skinny and pale. He's only 27 and should be in his prime but looks like he's got the whole world on his shoulders. It breaks my heart.
So now I get a phone call on a Friday night just as I'm about to go out of the door telling me he's going to be evicted next week. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't know where this has come from and I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to make it right. He's virtually pleading with me to help but I really don't have a clue. I need to think about it. This always happens. He gets himself into shit and expects me to pick up the pieces. I'll have to try and do something , I am his Mum.