Friday, 28 June 2013

We're all going to die one day

I've been thinking a lot about dying lately. In fact it's been on my mind almost constantly for the last 3 days. I am convinced I'm not going get much past sixty. It doesn't bother me. I want to die before I get too old. I don't want to get so I can't do things for myself. I don't want to end up on my own in some old people's home.
I feel sure that at some point in the not too distant future I'm going to lose it completely and not have the strength to get it back. Maybe if I go completely mental I won't even realise it and I'll be oblivious to it all but maybe I will realise and that really scares me. I've read that bipolar can get worse with age and that's something I really can't face. 
I know getting old is inevitable but it's creeping up fast and it's making me feel bad. 
This has been a stressful year so far and I'm paying the price physically as well as mentally. It's getting harder and harder to keep myself fit and when I look in the mirror I just want to cry. I've always taken pride in my appearance and I've always kept physically in shape and its hard to see changes that I can't do anything about or haven't got the energy to do anything about. I'm sure I'm not alone in how I feel but I can't help thinking that no one is going to want me in the state I'm in. I doubt anyone is going to find me attractive anymore. I really would rather be dead than stuck here on my own. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating a fact.
Of course if I was with someone it would be easier to face. I always thought I'd still be married when I was old and that's one thing that really upsets me about splitting up. 
Dying doesn't scare me half as much as being old and lonely or old and ill.
I'm not thinking about death because I'm depressed. That's a different thing altogether. There have been times when I've not been well and death seems like the only option available or the only solution to all my problems. There have been times when I have felt dead inside but that's not how I feel now.
Right now I don't want to die, I'm just talking about the future and how I see things. I'm not really being morbid, well I don't think I am. Statistically I'm more likely to die younger so I might as well be prepared. 

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