Selfish?

The last few weeks have been horrendous . I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. At last I'm starting to feel a little better. I still have a long way to go but for the first time I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like waking up from a bad dream. 

This is still a hard  time for me because I want people to know that I'm feeling better and I want to start doing things again but I worry that people will expect too much. Now that I am over the worst I need time to heal and recuperate.  I still feel fragile,  like it won't take much to send me back down again. I know the next few weeks are going to be difficult as I try to ease myself back into real life. I haven't really spoken to or seen many people except for my really close friends and family and I feel nervous about getting out and about again. 

I'm going to a wedding reception next week. They're a special couple to me and I'd been looking forward to it for months. There'll be lots of people there that I care about yet I'm petrified about going. I'm worried about being with so many people. I'm normally the life and soul at a party and I worry about what people will think. I worry I might get overwhelmed by it all and start panicking. Truth is, no one will think anything. They'll just be pleased to see me.....or not! I feel like people are taking notice of everything I do yet in reality people won't really be that bothered. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realise its me making a huge deal out of everything in my mind when it's not really about me. I think depression can make you selfish. It can make you get so wrapped up in your own sadness and pain that you end up thinking its all about you. Maybe selfish is a bit harsh. Maybe self conscious or self involved are better words.

Things are coming together at last

So things are coming together for my son. He's got a chance of some work and somewhere to stay in Chelmsford with my family. I just have to hope he doesn't fuck it up this time. He won't get another chance like this. At 27 he's still young enough to turn it all around. My sister is picking him up on Saturday. It's been hard having him here. He's my son and I love him but its hard to forget all the things he's done because of the drugs. It's hard to forget about the arguments, the stealing and the lies. I've lost count the number of times I've tried to help him only to see him straight back on the heroin again. I've spent thousands of pounds over the years trying to help set him up with a decent place to live and work. I have a gut feeling that it will be different this time. He seems so much more positive and focused. Being in prison really did do him good. Getting away from his girlfriend and his old life will help I'm sure. He's lucky to have a family that are willing to give him another chance. I'm lucky too because I'm really not well enough to deal with it on my own at the moment. It probably has done me some good having him here but the truth is I can hardly look after myself let alone someone else. He's just gone out and I have to say what a relief it was to hear the door slam. I just cried and cried, so much that my eyes are red and swollen. I'm not sure why I cried. I have been using all my strength to stay strong in front of him. I guess it had to come out at some point. Now I'm  worried  what he might be doing and want him to come back. I don't think I'll ever be able to relax with him around. I want to trust him and I want to believe that he can stay clean but it's been a long time and so much has happened.  He's a grown man, not a child and he has to step up. I need to back off and leave him to it.

Feeling a Little Better

Today is the first day that I've actually felt a bit better. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I've got a bit of my fight back. I'm nowhere near back to normality but I'm planning things in my head. That's definitely a good sign. I think I've been way too hard on myself. I need to give myself a break. Even without the bipolar, I've had a lot going on lately, which would be enough to stress even the strongest of people out. I'm not superwoman after all.....well only sometimes! 

 I need to get back into a routine. I need to tidy my flat and look after myself. Sounds so basic but I don't think I can even think about work or holiday until I get the everyday things sorted. I've decided to stick with the medication for a bit longer. I don't think it would be wise to try and come off it yet, not now that I've started to feel half human again. I'm still not convinced that its doing me any good in the long term but I can't worry about that now.

It's amazing how my thinking can change so dramatically in just a few days. Last week I really couldn't see an end to it all. It frightens me how my mind works. I still keep crying at the drop of a hat. I've got so many things to do and its overwhelming and frightening. I'm finding it hard to know where to start. I do worry about the future and what will happen to me but for now I need to focus on today. 

Having my son stay with me for the last week has been difficult. It's impossible to get into a routine and that's what I really need. I couldn't turn him away. He came out of prison with nothing but the clothes he was wearing. His flat was repossessed while he was inside and he doesn't want to go back to his girlfriend. He hasn't used heroin for three months and I am really proud of him for that. It's probably the first time in about seven years that I've seen him looking well and able to have a proper conversation. That's definitely something to be thankful for. I feel like I'm on the way to getting my son back. He still has a long way to go. He's still on a small dose of methadone, so he's not completely drug free but this is the furthest he's gone towards getting clean. He has a far harder job than me in order to get some normality. He has to find a job, find somewhere to  live and stay heroin free. I worry that he's inherited bipolar from me. I can't say that I've seen any signs that jump out at me but its hard to tell what someone is really like when they're always drugged up to the eyeballs. Right now he is a thoughtful, polite and nice person to be with, just like he used to be before heroin.That's all I can ask for, only time will tell. He deserves a chance and I will do my best to make sure he gets it.

Running Away

I wrote this a few days ago...before my son got out of prison and arrived on my doorstep with nowhere to go.

I need to get away from here. If I don't then I really will die. I need to clear my head and I can't do it if I stay here. My mind is so full of crap, all mixed up so I can't work out what's what. I don't want to hurt anybody and if I stay I'll end up hurting everybody. It probably is selfish to up and leave but I have no choice. I need to sort things out and I can't do it here.

I know things wont disappear if I go but it will give me breathing space.There's so much stuff I need to make decisions about and I just can't do it. I feel broken. Maybe if I get away I can try to fix things . It doesn't matter what anyone says, things will never get back to how they were. It's impossible. Once something is done, it's done. I feel ugly on the inside and outside. I feel like damaged goods. I don't think anyone is ever going to want me fully. I need to be able to survive on my own. I need to start again and I can't do it without leaving. I'm no use to anyone at the moment anyway. I've got nothing to give. All I do is take and I hate that. 

I don't know how long it will take. It doesn't mean I won't come back. Maybe it won't be any different but I feel like this is my last chance to try and make things better. I don't want to be this way. I need to work out what I've done wrong to get me where I am and what I can do to put it right. All I can do is try.

I obviously can't go if I have my son here. I don't know if I really would have gone. I often feel like running away but that's different, what I'm talking about is making a fresh start. I'm getting suffocated by doctors and pills and people. I just want to be me again. I want to be happy and at the moment I'm not.

How hard can it be?

How hard can it be to just get up and get yourself ready for the day ahead? I can't do it. I don't know why. I just can't face another day of wandering around aimlessly. I can't stop crying. I don't really know why I'm crying. It's everything. Everything is overwhelming. I just can't do it, whatever "it" is. I thought by now that things would be getting easier. I thought the tablets would kick in and I would feel better. Well I don't. When I talk to people I say I'm feeling a bit better because its the easiest thing to do. What I really want to do is shout  " no I'm not fucking better". I don't know if I can carry on. I was trying to think of everything good in my life but there's always some obstacle in the way. I can't see a way out this time. I'm not planning on taking my own life even though I think about dying all the time. I couldn't do that to my family. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the funny one, laughing and joking and full of life. I don't mean to let them down . When I talk to my Mum I know she knows but I try to play it down. She's getting old and I should be looking after her, not the other way round. 

I wish someone would do something. I know that's not possible. It's me, I'm the one who has to do something. I just don't know how right now. I'm supposed to be a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Right now I feel like a pathetic , weak, stupid creature.

Whatever happens, I am trying my hardest to beat this and that's all I can do.

Pills

As I stuff my face with another handful of medication, I'm wondering if its all a load of crap and that it's the medication that caused half my problems in the first place. 

Maybe the very first time I decided to do what the doctor said and take antidepressants because it would "make me feel better" and " it's perfectly safe" , was the start of it all. Yes I was mildly depressed and yes I was asking for help but millions of people get depressed and get over it without turning to drugs. If I hadn't given in and swallowed that first pill, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here in a complete mess.  

Maybe I haven't got bipolar at all. I'm not denying that I haven't had the symptoms, of course I have, I'm just questioning wether I would've had it all so bad if I'd have left the medication alone. So what if I was a bit up and down. That's just how I was. I don't trust most psychiatrists. All they seem interested in is prescribing as much medication as possible to shut you up. They don't care about wether you can function normally. They don't care if you get a heap load of side effects.  As long as you're  not high as a kite or suicidal they don't give a shit about what happens in between . As long as you keep taking the pills they seem happy. 

I'd love to just flush the lot down the toilet but even I'm not that stupid. If I decide to come off them all I need to do it slowly. Side effects are bad enough, withdrawals can be worse. I would love to just see for myself if I could get better without all that crap inside me. I need to think about it seriously. Well, I have been thinking about it non stop. I'm not well at the moment so it could hardly make things worse. I'm trying to think of the worst possible scenario......I'm already in it. Maybe without all that shit inside me I could think clearly and just be who I am.

Round in circles

Well, me not writing anything didn't last long. I  haven't really got anything upbeat to say yet but I'm still taking it as a good sign. At least when I'm writing I'm doing something. Something  is better than nothing. 

I am watching my goldfish. They just swim around in circles, stopping every now and then, to do what I don't know, then swim round and round again. The only time they show any kind of excitement is when I put the food in. I feel like a goldfish at the moment. I'm going round and round in circles and not really getting anywhere. I don't know what I want to do. I know what I should be doing but I don't know how to do it. This really has been the hardest time I can remember. I feel totally lost. I worked so hard to get myself out of the shit and in the blink of an eye I'm right back in it again. Nothing has changed on the outside, it's just me. Everything that's happened in my life is spinning around in my head and I can't make sense of it. I know these things take time but I don't have the patience. The thought of days and days of being miserable is too much. I want to wake up and none of the last few weeks have happened . I was enjoying life and looked forward to a future. Last night I wished I could go to sleep and not wake up. I hate those thoughts. I keep telling myself that thoughts are just that and they're not real.

When I talk to people I have to use every ounce of strength I've got to try not to break down or sound too miserable. I don't want people to get fed up with me. I feel paranoid that people are avoiding me. I would avoid me. Who wants to talk to someone with nothing good to say. Part of me wants to hide away and just be left alone but another part of me craves love and attention. Without my friends and family I think I really would die. 

As I write this, sense tells me that yes there is a point in trying to get better. I obviously do still care. I'm just plain terrified of what might happen on the way. Maybe I do know what I want after all. I want to be a worthwhile person. I want to love and be loved. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be sad. I want to be kind and helpful. I want to be happy in my own skin. I want to feel alive. I've been there before so maybe I can get there again. That's about as positive as I can be at the moment. It's a start.

Broken

I don't know how long it is since I saw my psychiatrist. I don't feel any better. Each day is just merging into the next. Every night I go to bed hoping that when I wake up things will be better and every day I wake up and things seem worse. Every night I imagine what I'm going to do the next day but when it comes to it I can't seem to do anything worthwhile . I was stupid to think I could go to my psychiatrist, get some new pills and then everything would be ok. It doesn't work like that. It could take weeks for the medication to start working again properly. I don't know that I can face weeks of feeling like this. What if the medication doesn't work this time? I've always had a bit of fight in me but it seems to have gone. I'm tired of it all. I feel so alone even though I'm surrounded by friends and family. I want someone to take all the sadness away. I miss my ex husband, even though I doubt he'd be any help. I don't want to be living on my own. 

I should have seen it coming. I was so smug thinking I had everything under control. I thought I knew the signs and I thought I could deal with it. How stupid.

Everything is such a mess. My flat is untidy. I don't do untidy yet I haven't got the energy to sort it. I am a mess. I can't see the point in doing my hair.I don't want to put any makeup on because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know what will happen with work, obviously I'm off sick again. I haven't opened any letters or checked my bank account for days. I'm normally so organised to the point of being almost obsessive, yet right now it's all just one big jumble.

When I first started writing this blog I felt proud of it. I felt like I had something worthwhile to share. Now I just seem to be writing a load of miserable stuff. Writing things down helped. Now I think I'm just making myself more unhappy. Maybe it's time to stop until I've got something worth sharing.

I wish I could explain

I wish I could explain how it is without making it sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Life just seems so unbearable at the moment. I feel like I'm in pain yet there's nothing physically wrong with me. I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to look at things logically. I'm an intelligent woman and I know that bipolar is an illness that doesn't stay constant. I've been really well for a long time now so it's Sod's law that at some point something would change. I know that changing medication has to have an effect. I know so much about bipolar and how to manage it yet I'm making the biggest hash of it and I really can't help it. I feel useless and I feel scared. I feel scared that I won't be able to get back to that person who copes and smiles and enjoys life. I can't explain how difficult it is to do even the smallest task. Having a bath and getting dressed seems like such a huge thing. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't matter how hard I try to think about it. I can't " snap " out of it. It's ridiculous. 

I keep telling myself that things will get better but a huge part of me can't see how on earth that's going to happen. When I went to bed last night I imagined all the things I was going to do today. Wasn't anything spectacular, just tidy up a bit. I didn't do anything. I woke up at mid day and it took me pretty much until tea time to have a bath and get dressed. I can't work out how something so simple turns into something so complicated. I seem to spend hours wandering around not knowing quite what to do. It's so frustrating.

I know I have to take it one day at a time. I can't even imagine going to work or going on holiday. I can't even imagine going shopping. 

I wish there was a way to make people understand but obviously you can never understand something unless you've lived it. I feel so guilty because it all seems so selfish. My life is good yet it feels worthless at the moment. 

Tomorrow I'm going to try and at least tidy one room. Sounds pathetic but that's what I need to do....give myself one small goal each day.

I've started back  on the medication I was on before my heart attack. It worked well and helped keep me stable for a long time. It's not good for my heart but after long discussions with my doctors we decided the benefits outweigh the risks. So all I can hope is that it starts working again and I get back to some normality. 

I do feel so guilty. I hate the thought of letting people down yet I know I'm doing it all the time. I will always be grateful to the people that have stuck by me. That means more than anything. There are people who I know that avoid me when I'm like this. I don't blame them, I would probably be the same. I wouldn't know what to say or do. I know I push people away when I'm like this but I really don't mean to. I don't always want to see people or talk to people but it doesn't mean I don't care deep down. My true friends don't need to say or do anything really. They are just there and that gives me hope.