"Uppity downess"

This week really has been what I'd call full on. My mind is still over the speed limit but I'm so tired that at least I'm getting proper sleep. I still feel exhausted.
I don't particularly feel that good but I don't particularly feel that bad either. I'm guessing that means I'm getting better. I'm not high and I'm not depressed. Result for my psychiatrist, a bit of a nothing for me. If anything I feel restless. I don't feel as if I've got anything that exciting in my life anymore. Nothing that really grabs me. Nothing to really look forward to yet I've got so much going on.
I've spoken to or seen just about everyone who means something to me this week. I've had moments when I've felt so content and so happy, like when my best friend came back from holiday but I've also had times when I've been sat at home on my own and wished my life away.
I'm so lucky to have so many people that care about me. I don't know why I still feel so alone sometimes. I don't mean to be selfish. I can't help how I feel and that makes me feel so guilty. How can I still feel so lost when I've got huge amounts of support? How can I still hate myself so much when I've got a huge number of people who love me?
I'm sure I'd be in a pretty sorry state without all those people. I genuinely do appreciate how much people care for me and that makes me feel, at times, like the luckiest,happiest person alive.
I guess my mood is generally flat, with a bit of "uppity downess" mixed in. Lol, I'm sure uppity downess isn't a technical term used in bipolar but it's the only way I can think of to describe how I feel. Happy and sad.

All good things come to an end

So it's over. I knew right from the start that it was just about sex and nothing else. Doesn't mean I'm not upset. I'm pretty gutted really. I knew that having sex with a guy so much younger than me was never going to go anywhere. I don't regret a single second of it but I'm struggling to get him out of my head. It was all so exciting and such fun. It's not that I was secretly in love with him  but I do have feelings. I'm just not really sure what they mean. It's the fact that he made me feel young and full of life. What if I never have that again?  When I was with him I felt no different to how I felt when I was in my twenties. In fact I felt better. He made me feel special. I felt totally at ease with myself and totally normal. I'll never forget that.

Sometimes I still can't believe it even happened, let alone carried on for so long. Eighteen months is a long time. I don't know why a young guy like that would want to spend time with someone like me. Not when he's so drop dead gorgeous and has the pick of virtually the entire female population! 

There were times when I wished I was younger but I would definitely have wanted more and spoilt it. That's why I think it lasted as long as it did.....no hassle, no ties, no pressure. I think if we were honest we were maybe both a bit lonely and both getting over someone else, so didn't want all the crap that goes with conventional relationships. I don't know if relationship is the right word. I don't really know what you'd call it!  Some people might think he was using me or that I was using him. The truth is we took advantage of each other and it suited us both at the time.

I don't know what I'll feel when I bump into him. Our paths will always cross, so it's inevitable. I'll probably want to hide but I'll hold my head high and smile. I fucking hate getting old but I'm determined not to let it end in tears. I wouldn't do the same with anyone else. He was special to me at the time and the situation was special to me and it will stay that way until I die. Yes, I will miss having the best sex I've ever had but I will miss him too. Maybe a bit more than I ever thought I would but it's ok.

A part of me hopes we will just pick up where we left off one day. Another part of me knows its for the best to quit while we're ahead and have nothing but good memories.....well that's what I keep telling myself. 

Brain Fog

                                  
If it wasn't for the fact that I can read back on my blogs, I don't think I'd remember a bloody thing of what's been going on over the last few weeks. Everything just seems like a huge blur. Sometimes I  feel so confused that I really do worry that I've lost my mind completely or I've started to go senile . I constantly have the feeling that I've done something wrong or I should be doing something important but I have no idea what.  All I know is that right now I should be sitting in a bar in Benidorm , cocktail in hand, having a whale of a time with my friends. Instead I'm sitting on my own, at home, feeling mighty sorry for myself. How that happened I'm  not at all sure. I really do have trouble remembering what's gone on. I don't know if its to do with medication or a symptom of bipolar, probably a bit of both. The worst part of it is that I can remember some things with precision, usually the stuff I want to forget! I can remember every last word of some conversations. I can remember them in detail, right down to a cough or a sigh, yet I can't remember what I did the day before. I can't imagine just a normal day. Getting up, going to work, cooking dinner, it all seems alien to me. Going over and over the same fleeting conversation I had with someone, worrying that I might have said something stupid or upset them, seems more of the norm at the moment. I just wish I could get back to real life. I don't really know what real life is meant to be like but I feel sure that I'm not in it.  I'm nowhere near to going back to work. The Occupational Health doctor won't even review me for at least eight weeks. He thinks I'm not ready to go back and he's right. I can't even think about work. I can hardly remember what the job entails. When I try to think about it my mind just goes blank. How can I forget what I do for a living? Seems ridiculous. I worry that I'll never get it back. I guess I need to try and get myself back into some sort of routine but its hard when you haven't really got anything to get into a routine  for and when you don't even know what the routine is  meant to be. I'm having to write everything down as I think of it or I'll just forget. Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. Brain fog is what I call it. It's takes my usual scatterbrained state to another level! I'm trying to keep busy so I don't vegetate. I'm trying to read and watch the news so I keep in touch with what's going on but in all honesty I haven't got a clue . It just goes in one ear and out of the other. We could be in the middle of World War 3 for all I know. 

Holiday Blues

 I've made a decision about my holiday. I'm not going to go. Even if I made my mind up to go I don't think I'd be able to get myself organised enough. I've tried to look at it logically and there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't go. All I need to do is pack a suitcase and get someone to take me to the airport . Seems so simple but I just can't do it. The thought just terrifies me. I don't even know what I'm scared of yet as soon as I think about it I feel sick, my heart starts pounding,  I start to sweat and I can hardly breath. I guess I'm just scared of being so far away from home. I know I won't be alone but I'm just not feeling strong enough. I feel so much better but I'm still finding it hard to be out and about. I need the security of my flat. I need my own surroundings and my own bed. I'm sure if I could get myself there I'd enjoy it but I just can't get over the feeling of uneasiness. It's just not worth it. I do feel really guilty even though my best friend has done nothing to make me feel that way. In fact she's been more than understanding. Sometimes I don't think I really deserve to have someone so wonderful as a friend. If it was the other way round I'd like to think I'd be as understanding but I can't say for sure. I bet there are hundreds of people who'd give anything to have a holiday right now and I'm just going to waste it. I really am pissed off. I'm never going to book another holiday in advance. This is the fourth holiday I've paid for and backed out at the last minute. Trouble is I know I will do it again. I'll be on a high and get all excited and enthusiastic about going somewhere and I won't have it that I could get ill and change my mind. I can never seem to do anything the easy way.That's just what I do. 

Racing Thoughts

Today I'm feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want out of life. I feel totally lost. My mind is racing. I keep going over the same scenarios again and again and again. I keep having the same conversations in my head. I can't get myself to shut up. I suppose it's better than being depressed but these thoughts are just another horrible symptom of bipolar, sent to haunt me. It's difficult to describe. They are thoughts that just won't be quiet. It's as if they're on a continually revolving circuit. It's hard to work out what's what because before one train of thought is finished the next one butts in and it all ends up in a jumble. It all happens so fast. It makes it difficult to concentrate because I can't blot them out. When I'm talking to people I know my mind is wandering . I'm trying to concentrate on what they're saying but the whole time I'm still listening to what's going on in my head. I keep going over things that I know damn well I can't do anything about.Some are about things that happened years ago, some about stuff that may never happen. If I tried to explain to someone what I was thinking about I wouldn't be able to. I'm tired because having all this crap spinning around in my head makes it difficult to sleep. Sometimes I think my head will eventually explode. Sometimes I try to drown it out with music. Even then I end up playing the same song . I've been playing the same track in my car for nearly three weeks. I know every word and every note. Is sort of comforting but also annoying. I can't bring myself to change it. 

I'm sure it's because I'm feeling uncertain about so many things. It's because I feel unsettled about  my future.This last "episode" has really taken it out of me.

Time is passing by

Time is passing by and I'm feeling a tiny bit stronger by the day. It's such a long process getting over one of my down episodes. I'm still worrying over the most ridiculous things . I've been putting off thinking about my holiday because every time I do it sends me into a blind panic. It's only a couple of weeks away and I can't ignore it any longer. It's been booked for nearly a year. A week in Benidorm with my best friend and her husband. When we arranged it, it seemed like such a good idea. I thought it would be such a laugh. Lazy days and fun packed nights. Now when I think about it I just want to cry. I just can't see myself being able to cope away from home. The thought of travelling and being in a strange place is frightening. Seems odd when only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to pack my bags and run away. I haven't spoken to my friend about it yet and she hasn't mentioned it. I think she knows. I'm leaving it to the last possible minute in the hope that I'll feel well enough to go. I feel so guilty that yet again I'm going to let people down. I really should have known  better than to make plans so far ahead. I've organised holidays and outings before only to cancel at the last minute because of my health. I'm trying to make myself want to go but it's just not happening. I even got my suitcase down and tried to sort out my holiday clothes. I ended up being physically sick. It's so unfair.

How strange. I wrote all that this morning and when I saw my friend today she mentioned the holiday for the first time. She said she would respect whatever decision I made about it and that I wasn't to feel pressurised in any way or to feel guilty. That's why I love my best friend so much. She understands me so well, better than I understand myself sometimes. She understands my bipolar better than anyone else I know. I feel so relieved that we've talked about it. Two weeks can be a long time when it comes to how I feel so I just hope I feel up to going.

Sobbing Again

I'm sobbing again. It's a regular thing lately but this time I'm crying because I'm happy. I've just seen my son and for the first time in years I felt really proud of him. He just seemed "normal" and when he said goodbye he told me he loved me. I haven't heard that in such a long time. He's managed to wean himself off the methadone completely. I'm under no illusions that he still has the hardest job to stay drug free but for him to get this far is something I'd given up hope of ever seeing. To be able to have a proper conversation about everyday things is such a joy. He's spent time with my family and when I've spoken to them they've had nothing but good things to say. I knew deep down there was a good person trying to get out. He's struggling with withdrawals from the methadone but he's managing to go to work and carry on with everyday things. He's probably done more in the last couple of weeks than he's done in years. He's been out for a meal, been to the pub, been for a bike ride, all things that most people take for granted. I was watching him laughing and joking with my Dad and it brought a lump to my throat. Seeing him look so well and happy is everything I've wished for. I can still see that he's struggling. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be overcoming being addicted to something like heroin and then methadone. I've read everything there is to read about it and it always says the same. Heroin is the hardest drug to beat and methadone is as bad if not worse. That makes me even more proud of him. I do worry that he'll relapse but I've never seen him this focused before and he's got the help and support he needs so I'm trying not to dwell on it. 

For the last 10 years I have watched my only child almost destroy himself and I've been helpless to do anything about it. Now I am watching him begin to pick himself up again and that's the best feeling a mother could have.

Why?

I don't know why he's doing it. I don't know why my ex husband is so concerned with how I am. Since I've not been well this time he's texted or phoned me nearly every day. He even came to see me and brought some shopping. He says its because he still cares about me and always will. But why? Why does he still care about me? I don't know why I'm letting him do it. I thought it was all done and dusted between us. It's a comfort that he's still there but it's also confusing. Maybe he really does just care for me and that's all there is to it. Maybe he's still in love with me and can't let me go. Maybe I'm still in love with him and that's why I let him do it. I don't know. When I felt so miserable that I didn't know what to do, having him cuddle me and kiss the top of my head and tell me I'd be ok made me feel safe. For those few minutes it felt like it used to when we were married. I shut my eyes and imagined I was back in my old house and that everything was back to the way it used to be before I got ill. Of course now I'm feeling a bit better I'm just wondering what the fuck he thought he was doing and even more so what the fuck was I doing? The problem with trying to be "just friends" with your ex is that there's too much history, too many deep feelings flying about. 

I do think he genuinely wants to help but I don't think he understands the aftermath. Its ok at the time but when he's gone and I'm left all alone wondering why we have to be apart, it seems cruel. I doubt his girlfriend would understand. She must be totally smitten or just plain dumb. He never tried to help me in the last few months we were together. He just buggered off and left me to it, so why bother now? It will be three years in November since I left and we still can't seem to draw a line under it all. When he came to see me I thought it was because he wanted to tell me she was moving in or they were getting married or something, but no it was because he was worried about me. Sometimes it's a real comfort to know that if push comes to shove he will help me and sometimes I wish he would just butt out and mind his own business. He tells me he still wants me in his life and doesn't want me to push him out. I guess it's my own fault. I need to decide once and for all wether I want to have him in my life or not and I'm just not ready to make that decision yet.