Medication

Don't want it but can't live without it. Since I had a heart attack I have to take five different medications to keep my heart healthy. I don't have a problem with that, so why has it been so difficult coming to terms with taking psychiatric medication. Yet again there's a real stigma attached to taking these kinds of drugs. What people don't realise is that it can make the difference between having a life and having no life. I'd even go as far as saying taking the medication could be a matter of life or death. My dad would die if he didn't use his insulin. No one has ever questioned that. Why would they ? So why have countless people questioned why I need to take medication to help keep my bipolar under control ? 

I'm not saying its right to pump people full of drugs . Medication is not the only way to control bipolar, but for me it certainly helps. It's a combination of things that keep me well.

The road to finding the right medication was certainly a long and bumpy one for me. I think it's the same for most people. It took nearly four years to get the right combination . I take Lithium and an antipsychotic called Quetiapine. That's another thing. I'm not psychotic and never have been yet I take something that suggests otherwise. 

I mentioned before that the first thing I was given was an antidepressant , which made me hypomanic. From then on I must have been on at least ten if not more different drugs in different combinations before getting to where I am today. They either didn't work or they over sedated me or had other side effects like restlessness, twitchy muscles, fliud retention, weight gain.....bloody list is endless. Sometimes I just stopped taking them. Mostly because I read stuff on the Internet and frightened the life out of myself or because I thought I didn't need it anymore or because I couldn't stand the side effects. 

Most medications have some side effects. For me it's a case of weighing up the benefits against the negatives. 

If I could give anyone any advice I'd say be informed about what you're taking. Do your research but don't get too worried by what you read. For every person who has a horror story , there's another with a positive story. 

If you tell they won't  believe you.

For years I never thought of it as rape.

When someone you know does something to you so wrong and so bad, you almost think it was right..

You can't tell anyone either.

I've never told anyone about this before....not even my husband.

It's something I've kept tucked away inside for over twenty years. I think writing my blog and thinking about things that have happened in my life brought it back into my mind. 

I have to be so careful not to write anything that would identify the person. It would cause too much upset.

We'd been on a night out , my friend, her partner and me. Just the three of us. I was just twenty. It was a good night and I remember being a bit pissed. I nearly always ended up pissed at that age ! I think we'd been to a nightclub.

I never liked her boyfriend that much. He always made me feel uneasy. Can't really say why, he just did.

I was ready for sleep as soon as we got in. I was sleeping on the sofa.

The second my head hit the pillow the light went on. It was him. He had a glass of water and some headache tablets. He told me to take the tablets as it would stop me from getting a hangover. I was tired and I just took them. 

The next time I woke up it was pitch black and I felt freezing cold. I felt something brush against my leg. I tried to scream but nothing came out. I could make out two shadows. I knew it was him. The other one was the dog.

I tried to pull the covers over me but couldn't move. I was naked and cold and I didn't feel right. I  heard him say  "here  boy" and then I felt the dog licking my legs. I can't describe what happened next. I had no control over what he did. I was terrified . When he'd finished he covered me up, kissed my forehead and left the room. 

I don't remember anything after that. 

In the morning , when my friend was in the shower he said " It was a bad dream. You were drunk. If you say a word they will never believe you". I didn't say a word.
Another reason why I will never trust anyone fully.

My family

Family has always been really important to me. I'm lucky that I've got a family where there have never been any major fall outs. Not that I know of anyway. I've never fallen out with any of them...something that's all too common I know. Any problems I have are my own and not their fault. I doubt they'd even realise . 

My Mum and Dad have got to be the most " normal" couple. They've been married for fifty odd years and they still love each other. I'm 100% sure they are still together because they want to be and not out of circumstance or habit. I can't think of anything bad about my parents. Maybe they let us get away with a bit too much when we were younger, I don't know. I'm sure my mum knew some of the things I got up to as a teenager but chose to ignore it.

I have two sisters, both married. My brother in laws are great.I am the middle sister. I've always felt like the odd one out though.I don't know why. When I was a kid it seemed that my younger sister got away with more because she was the baby and my older sister got away with more because she was more grown up. I hated being in the middle. The worst thing was that I always had to sit on the bumpy bit in the middle of the back seat of the car :-). Apart from the odd teenage fight we've always been close. I think times when we've drifted apart a bit have been because I haven't wanted to do things. When I was married we used to do more as couples. Even though they don't mind I feel like a spare part now......my problem. I've refused invites so many times I think they just don't bother asking me anymore. 

I don't have a favourite sister. I'm sure over the years we've had phases of who I've been closest to but I can honestly say I love them equally. I suppose I'm more  likely to get the hump with my big sister...... that's because she's the oldest and she's always right !! I love it when we have girls days out. Just the three of us.

I've got two nieces and two nephews. I don't see as much of them as I did when they were kids but love them all. They've all grown up into lovely people. That's when I get really upset about my son, thinking about what he could be doing with his life. I'm sure they all love me but I'm also sure they just think I'm nuts. Mad Aunty Lynn! 

There are aunties and uncles and cousins too. There's not one of them I don't really like or would have a problem with. 

As much as I love my family, I hate big get togethers, especially Christmas. I feel self conscious and I know I get loud and act stupid. I don't know why. It's how I cope. I try to make a joke of everything. I always act the fool and make everyone laugh. Always the life and soul.  What I really want to do is tell everyone to fuck off and then go home. I hate being like that, it's just that when everyone is there I feel under pressure to be ok. 

When it's just me and my sisters or me and my mum and dad it's usually ok. 

I am extremely lucky to have my family. I would find it difficult to cope if I didn't have their support. A psychiatrist wrote in a report about me that my family life was "unremarkable". I think my family is pretty remarkable! 

First and probably the last time I try writing a poem!!

I'm forever battling against what's on my mind

Waiting until I can get to bed and sleep it away

I'm not sure how to get it out of my head

It gets me so exhausted

It swallows me up

Never giving me a chance of happiness 

My nightmares are how I pay

For what's on my mind all day

I'm forever battling with what's on my mind

I don't ever want to go to sleep

I need to keep it in my head

By the end of the day I'm full of energy 

It fills me with such excitement

Making me feel so happy and alive

My racing thoughts are how I pay

For whats on my mind all day 

Thats it then ....
So after twenty two years they have decided I can no longer cope with my job. Bloody hell. I guess that's it then. 

For sixteen years I worked without a problem as a physiotherapy assistant, working with adults with learning disabilities. I can honestly say I loved it most of the time and hardly had a day off sick. Sixteen years is a long time. I was good at my job and never wanted to do anything else. It must be awful having to do a job you hate. 

It's the last five or six years that have changed everything. When I first got ill, I couldn't cope with the pressure. It's a very people orientated job and when you're depressed it's almost impossible to engage with others without them noticing when something's wrong. It wasn't so bad when I was a bit high as I felt I could cope with anything and probably took on too much. It's ok having all these great ideas and starting projects but when things come down you're left with an overwhelming amount to do. With all that's happened I obviously had loads of time off. I'd be off for a few weeks or even months, then back for a few months, then off again. It wasn't really fair for my colleagues. Each time I was off, the harder it was to go back. When you feel like you've let people down it eats away at your confidence and self esteem.

I'm sure if I didn't work for the NHS I'd have been out a lot sooner. They have to follow procedures and, well I can't fault how they handled that side of it.They have tried their hardest to keep me at work but this time they couldn't do any more. 

We're only a small team and I've known all my workmates for years. That was a great help in the beginning but as time went on I wished I worked somewhere where no one knew me. I felt towards the end that they were analysing every little thing I did and blaming it on me being bipolar. Maybe thats not the case but thats what it felt like. I couldn't be in a really "good " mood without being labelled high and if I was not very happy one day then I was obviously depressed. Someone had a fall when I was in charge and it turned into a huge deal.Apparently I acted out of character and didn't do what they thought I'd do. In the end it was deemed that I'd done nothing wrong and it was an accident.  I am 100% certain if I didn't have bipolar it would have been dealt with completely differently. I can't blame them but I never felt comfortable at work again. Apart from working directly with clients I've pretty much hated every minute of it for months. 

I know that I'd still be good at my job if given the chance. When I'm well I know I can do it. I just can't cope with all the uncertainty and unpredictability . I need routine.

I don't  know what I'll do now. They have three months to try and find me something suitable within the organisation...if not that's it. I don't rate my chances of finding much else with my record. I need to work. I need to earn money and I need to have a purpose. It's a worrying time.

I don't want to go home

When I was married I loved going home. I loved being at home on my own, pottering about. There's nothing better after a holiday than opening your own front door and then climbing into your own bed. 

Even though I love my flat there are times when the thought of going back there, after a day out, terrifies me. It's the silence. If you live with someone even if they're not there , they have a presence. That's what you don't get when you live alone. 

When I was married I craved time alone, now I'm single I crave company. 

When you're single, yes you can do what you like, when you like and how you like but nothing can take away that feeling of being totally on your own. What if I dropped down dead in the middle of the night and no one found me for days? 

It's always worse when I've been having a really good time , then it stops and I'm reminded that I'm on my own. Then I start worrying about the future and what will happen to me. That's when I really miss being in a relationship. Having said that I wouldn't want to be with someone just for the sake of it. If I end up with someone it will be because I'm in love not because I'm lonely, although there's a lot to be said for companionship.  

I do get lonely. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. It's not that I don't have friends. It's about missing that closeness. Especially physical contact...I don't mean sex...I mean holding hands or a cuddle. I mean when you're lying next to someone and you can hear them breathe and you start to breathe in time with them. I mean feeling safe because someone is just there. 

When I listen to couples moaning and wishing they had "freedom" , I wish they could feel what it's like for a few days. Then they might appreciate what they've got. 

How annoying 

Sometimes I feel really guilty when people are trying to be nice to me and all I keep thinking is fuck off and leave me alone. It always seems to be people I'm really close too and especially my Mum. I don't know why because I love my Mum. She's been the best Mum anyone could wish for, so why when she's doing something nice for me do I want to scream. It's not so bad with my Dad but then I always was a Daddy's girl. 

Maybe it is true, that you end up hurting those closest to you. I always get it into my head that they just " don't get it" and it makes me cross. I actually think my Mum does get it. It's me, I get very defensive. My Mum and Dad are getting old and I don't want to give them more hassle so I try to keep them shielded from it all. They seem to know anyway. That's what you call fantastic parents. 

Back to what I was talking about in the first place. 

There are times when I have felt really aggressive but I'm not a violent person, it's not in my nature. I'm more likely to scream obscenities or throw something. Most of the time it's just there in my thoughts. I'll be constantly moaning in my head. Everything and everybody is annoying and stupid!  Occasionally it slips out...I was in the car park and a very large lady just left her trolley in the parking spot. I meant to think it but I said it out loud..." You stupid fucking lazy fat cow" ...whoops. That often happens when I'm in that frame of mind. My thoughts just slip out! 

I don't want to hurt others but I have hurt myself to get out of doing something I can't face. I once burnt my hand with boiling water so I didn't have to go into work . That way I had a proper reason. At the time I didn't think I could say being depressed was a " proper" reason to take time off. I did it so I didn't have to lie. I once punched a wall so I didn't have to go out. It's not something I've done often thank goodness. Now I know it's ok to tell the truth about my bipolar...most of the time. Sometimes I want people to think I'm fine when I know I'm not.