It's not all it's cracked up to be

I didn't run away because I thought it would be exciting, I ran away because I couldn't stomach what I was running away from. My life. I'm sitting in a hotel room, wondering what on earth I should do next. I've spent the day sleeping and reading. I could be doing the same at home but somehow it feels different here. It's so quiet and so peaceful. I don't know what I've been thinking about...nothing and everything. I couldn't tell you what the book I've been reading is all about. I feel like I'm in a completely different world. I keep telling myself it's doing me some good. I don't really know. I do feel guilty that I've ignored people's texts and phone calls but I really don't want to go through trying to explain something that I don't understand myself. I'm staying another night. After that they are fully booked. I don't know what I'll do then. I can't say I'm really enjoying the experience. I'd imagined it would be somehow liberating just getting in the car and taking off. It's not . I have my phone and my iPad so I keep dipping into what everyone else is doing. I've been looking on Facebook and Twitter . Life just goes on wether I'm in it or not. I suddenly feel really insignificant. I did speak to my best friends son. He means the world to me and out of everybody it somehow seemed ok to call him. It was comforting to hear his voice but I honestly can't remember what he said apart from that I am a strong woman. I have spent so much time lately trying to be strong. I don't feel strong right now. I feel like my strength has been drained out of me. I just seem to go from one drama to another and I really have had enough. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I still can't face the thought of going home. I'm starting to feel scared. I feel like I've got myself into a situation that I don't know how to get out of. I really could use a wish right now.

I have to go

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I'm not depressed but I'm deeply unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself. Unhappy with how I look, with what I'm doing, with my life in general. I can't think of one thing in my life that really excites me or makes me really happy and I can't think of one thing that would change that. I don't know what I want.
Sometimes I frighten myself with the thoughts that go through my mind. I'm having some really weird thoughts lately. At least I know they're weird so I guess that's one good thing. I can't have completely lost my mind. 
As I take so many tablets I always put them in one of those plastic things with each day of the week on. I never remember to take them otherwise . This morning as I was filling it up I had the urge to just swallow the whole lot at once. Somehow I imagined death would be a better option than the bullshit that's my life at the moment. Obviously I didn't do it. I don't know what stopped me. 
Sometimes when I'm driving I have the urge to just take my hands off the steering wheel and crash into whatever is in front. Obviously I wouldn't do it. 
I don't know why thoughts like that are so often and so vivid. 
I feel so unsettled. I feel like I need to just up and leave. Fuck knows where I would go and fuck knows why I think running away would make any difference. I just feel compelled to pack my bags and go. Something is making me want to go. The feeling is so strong. I feel like I'm being suffocated here. Sometimes when I think about it I actually end up gasping for breath.
So I did pack my bag and go. I'm now sitting in a hotel room. I've got no idea where I am. Last night I drove round and round  for nearly five hours. I wouldn't mind but I kept ending up back in the same place. See, I can't even run away properly. By rights I should have been in Scotland by now. Instead I think I'm somewhere near Gt Yarmouth . I stopped at a few places to stay but everywhere was full up. I finally managed to find somewhere and that's where I am now. It's nice. I slept so soundly, better than I have done for ages. Probably because I'd worn myself out. Now I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I'm not ready to go home. 

Banging my head against a brick wall

I can't be responsible for someone else's actions, can I? I am a mother and as a mother I will always feel partly responsible for what my son does even though he's not a child anymore but I can't tell him what to do. So why do I feel like it's my fault, the fact that he's fucked up again. He was doing so well. Everyone said so. The truth is he wasn't doing so well and I should have realised it. I knew it was too good to be true for him to stay drug free after years of being an addict. I should have insisted he had some sort of professional help. No one can be addicted to heroin for years and be expected to cope in the real world without proper help.
My sister rang to say they'd found prescriptions for methadone in his room. They weren't in his name. He obviously couldn't manage without and has been buying the stuff. My first thought was that he must be back on the heroin. So he's let everyone down and lied to everybody again. Why am I not surprised? He's now broken the trust of everyone who has bent over backwards to try and help him. My sister and her husband won't have him to stay at theirs now, no matter what he does....and I can't blame them. He's going to end up homeless again and I know what that means. If he's not using heroin now then it's only a matter of time before he does. If he's homeless he'll seek help from the very people he needs to stay away from, the dealers and other addicts.
I've managed to talk to him once. He's blaming everyone but himself. He swears he hasn't used heroin. He says he was under so much pressure to get off the methadone quickly, start work and prove himself that he felt he couldn't tell anyone or ask for help. He said he couldn't cope with his moods and methadone was the only relief. I feel sure that he has some sort of mood disorder, like me. Maybe bipolar, maybe not. I've tried before to get him assessed but it's impossible while he's still using. I'm sure he's self medicating but it's a vicious circle. How do they differentiate between mental health and substance abuse and how one thing affects the other? I do feel for him. I know what it's like to have everyone thinking you're fine and telling you how well you're doing, when really you're in bits. I can understand why he kept it all to himself but at the same time he should have been man enough to talk to people.
I haven't been able to contact him again. I have no idea if he is ok. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is anything I can do. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I feel helpless. I just want him to be alright.

Am I bipolar or am I just lazy?

All I seem to be saying to myself at the moment is "I don't know and I don't really care". Probably because I really don't ....know that is. I like to think I still care. I'm in a bit of a mess but I don't have a clue what to do about it. I don't feel that bad, I just don't really feel anything. I don't feel particularly depressed and I'm certainly not manic. I don't know what I am. I can't seem to get myself motivated. I feel tired during the day and wide awake at night. I feel like I need a really good cry or a really good laugh but I can't even do that. Nothing really excites me or gets me going at the moment. I hate to say it but I'm bored and I can't think of anything I'd like to do that would alleviate the boredom. I have snippets of a more upbeat mood where I imagine a whole host of things I'm going to do but when it boils down to it, it's as much as I can do to get up in the morning. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. It probably seems like I'm being nothing more than lazy. I worry that it's me and I'm just a useless lazy person but I know deep down it's not like that. I'm not a naturally sedentary person. I'm not naturally apathetic and unsociable. When I'm really well I have a zest for life. My mood at the moment definitely isn't the norm for me. I guess to say that bipolar has only two moods (manic and depressed) is very misleading. There are a whole range of moods and right now I'm somewhere in there, just not sure where! I guess I have to take each day as it comes, try to have a least one thing planned every day and hope for the best.

"People Like You"

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder three years ago. Four years after I first sought help. Seeking help when you don't know what's wrong and when you're scared and completely desperate is hard. I think we all expect people in the medical profession to have empathy and be free from prejudice. We put our trust in them because we believe they are experts, so when they don't come across how we expect it's even more difficult. I remember very clearly the first time I went to see a GP because I felt so bad. I remember it clearly for the wrong reasons. I knew I was depressed. As I tried desperately to tell him what was wrong he looked at me and said "I'll prescribe you Prozac.Thousands of people take it, it's very safe. You have to remember how old you are. You're getting close to the menopause. Are you sure you're not just having a Shirley Valentine moment?" I took the prescription and ran out crying. He left me feeling like I was just some silly woman having a mid life crisis. I doubt he even realised the impact of his words. He obviously thought I'd see the joke. I didn't. It turned out Prozac wasn't safe at all for me. It kick started hypomania and then a mixed episode that lasted for months. I changed my GP but it took me a long time to feel ok about going to the doctors. A few careless words at the wrong time can have a huge impact.
I always find going to see my psychiatrist a challenge. Depending what frame of mind I'm in, I'm either ready to cling on to every word he says, because he knows everything or I'm ready to argue with whatever he says because he knows nothing! Of course there are several scenarios in between. My usual psychiatrist, who I had a good relationship with and trusted, sadly died. It wasn't a surprise as he'd been ill for a long time. One of his replacements left me feeling angry and upset with his words. He'd explained to me why he wanted to leave my medication as it was, which was fine but then he came out with " of course people like you need to be extra careful about how you behave". What was that supposed to mean?
Maybe if I'd been in a different frame of mind I wouldn't have reacted so badly to their words, but I wasn't and I did react. I'm sure that any good doctor would be horrified if they thought they'd upset a patient with their words but I'm sure it happens all the time.
Thankfully I now have a fantastic GP, who is very knowledgable about my condition and who treats me with respect.

And the point is?

I feel like I've just stepped off of the biggest, fastest, scariest ride at the funfair. My head is still spinning and I'm stumbling a bit, trying to get myself back down to earth. I got a thrill from the ride but I hated it at the same time. Now I have a sense of nothingness. Not good, not bad , just nothing. That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I don't know where to go next. 
Sometimes this type of mood is the worst. It's like being in a relationship where you don't know where you stand.
When I've been unwell I tend to bury my head in the sand. I tend to ignore things in the hope that they'll just disappear. I need to take stock and start sorting my life out. Instead I'm sitting in bed at midday, faffing about on my iPad . I can't be bothered to get dressed. What's the point? I haven't got anything in particular to do. I haven't got any concrete plans for the next few days.
Of course I have everything to do.
I haven't been proper shopping for weeks. Well, only for things I don't need. My food shopping has consisted of coffee and milk. The essentials! If it wasn't for my neighbour and the odd meal out I doubt I'd eat at all. It's not because I'm not hungry or I'm trying to diet, it's because I can't be bothered. I have a huge pile of paperwork, letters from work, letters from the bank. I don't know, there's loads of it. I'm too scared to look because I know my finances are in a complete mess. I know my spending has been out of control and I know I'm going to get a shock when I do try to sort it. I really don't want the bother of all that right now. I made a huge fuss about being allowed to go back to the gym and got a GP referral . I went to the induction and haven't been back since. I do actually want to go, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too much effort right now. I've just realised my car MOT is out of date by over a month.Work is the most important thing I need to sort out. I may have lost my job,well I know I'm going to lose my job, yet I cannot even think about it. I have a complete mental block when it comes to decisions about work. I just don't want to know about it yet. 
Sometimes I wish someone would come along and take care of everything. Of course that's never going to happen. It's one of the scariest feelings coming to the conclusion that I'm the only person that can help myself. 
I don't mean to be so apathetic. I do care deep down, I'm just having trouble getting motivated right now. I feel like I'm up and down like a yo yo at the moment. If I thought for one minute that one mighty kick up the backside would help, then I'd be first in the queue. Somehow I think I'll just have to wait until my mood settles or something big happens to shock me into life. 

Love or guilt?

My ex husband told me recently that he thought because I'm an intelligent woman I should have been able to realise what was going on with my health and deal with it. How ignorant can someone be? Even after all this time, he just doesn't get it. It makes me mad. He thinks its my fault for being ill. Yes I am an intelligent woman but at the time when I was first really ill I had no idea what was going on and couldn't possibly deal with it. All I could do was go along with what the doctors said. It's taken years for me to be able to recognise my symptoms and try to deal with them. God, he's such an arse at times. 

I agree that if someone has an illness they should try to be as informed as possible but ffs, if your in the middle of a heart attack you're hardly going to be thinking about what you're going to choose as the healthy option for your tea. Same with bipolar. If you're  in a deep depression and can't even get out of bed , how can you even think about going to the gym or going to work? Would be a piece of cake if it was that easy. 

I feel sorry for the fact that he's so blinkered. He either wants to blame me because he feels guilty or he really is thick. He thinks that because he sees me happy and managing things now ( on the surface), that I'm somehow cured. He wants to believe it anyway. I think if there was a cure for bipolar and I could get it, he would want me back. Until then I'm damaged goods. He still loves me but I'll never quite come up to scratch.

It's all starting again. The emails wanting to know how I am. The little hints at how he misses me and still cares for me. I don't doubt he means it but what is he playing at? We've been split for nearly three years and he still wants to be a part of my life. He's looking out for a car for me at the moment. I don't understand why he still wants to get involved. The stupid thing is that I'm letting him do it. I just can't seem to bring myself to tell him to fuck off. I should tell him to butt out and leave me alone but I can't. I don't need him in my life. There's nothing he can do that I can't do for myself. I am quite capable of finding a bloody car. Part of me feels flattered that I obviously still have some sort of hold over him and part of me feels comforted by the fact that he's still there.  There's absolutely no reason why we need to stay in contact yet neither of us can make that final break. I bet she doesn't know what he's doing. That makes me feel a bit smug. 

We have completely different lives now. I have no clue what he gets up to and vice versa yet we have this strange grey area where we come together and it's still as if we're married. A small part of me still misses what we had and I don't want to cut him out completely. I don't want to admit it but I like to know he's doing ok. 

Maybe we will always be friends but there's more to it. I feel it's a bit like playing with fire....just not sure who's going to get burnt. Probably both of us.  

But it's not my fault?

It would be oh so easy to blame everything I say or do on bipolar. It would give me an excuse for every dumb thing I've ever said or done. Of course it would be very wrong and of course it wouldn't be true. Yes having bipolar can cause me at times to be excessively talkative, angry, promiscuous, paranoid, the list goes on. There are times when being bipolar means I haven't got total control. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't take responsibility for my actions. If I've hurt someone I need to apologise. If I've let people down I need to sort it.
I do take responsibility by trying to keep myself well. I take my medication. I've made sure I know as much as I can about bipolar. I try to steer clear of triggers like alcohol, late nights, certain people. I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The thing is no matter how much I do, it doesn't always work and the bipolar takes over. There's a very fine line between what is just me and what is the illness.
Sometimes it works the other way round. I blame myself yet the truth is I really couldn't help it. I'm sure I'm too tough on myself at times. If I think about it I actually manage my condition pretty well.
After any episode I can't help but spend hours ruminating over what I've done. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I do the wrong thing? Does everybody hate me? Have I upset people? Have I spent too much money? Bipolar or not I have to deal with the consequences.
I don't thing there is a concrete answer. Blaming myself, blaming others or blaming bipolar? It doesn't really serve any purpose.
Admit what's gone wrong and try to deal with it. That's the best I can do.

What the fuck is going on?

I'm very aware that my mood is all over the place at the moment, which I'm thinking is a good thing (that I'm aware not that it's all over the place!), yet I feel scared that I'm not 100% in control of it. I feel very uneasy and very insecure. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
On Saturday I spent the evening with one of my best friends. I don't know why but the minute I saw him my mood went from flat to just plain daft. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to laugh and act stupid. I felt odd and I felt like I was coming out with some pretty random stuff. I don't really know if I was.When I'm with him I know I can be myself, whatever mood I'm in, yet I felt very awkward. It did take me by surprise because lately I haven't really felt any emotion. To suddenly feel excitable took me by surprise. What took me by surprise even more was how miserable I felt when I left. I cried all the way home. When I got home I texted him some waffle about how stupid I was. When he didn't text back I cried again. I felt so cross with him. How dare he just ignore me. Of course he wasn't ignoring me at all. That's how I am at the moment. Most of the time I don't really feel anything then bam I'm suddenly feeling ecstatic or miserable as sin or really cross or really irritable. I'm finding this hard to deal with. I suppose I'd describe my mood as labile. I get ridiculously upset over something one minute then I couldn't give a shit. I haven't slept in my bed for the last few nights. I don't really know why. It's just something I sometimes do. That's always a sign that things aren't quite right. One minute I feel exhausted and the next minute I'm wide awake.
Yesterday I went shopping. I knew I didn't have the money yet I spent a fortune on things I didn't need because it gave me a buzz. I just wandered around the shop picking up anything I liked the look of. It felt good. I knew exactly what I was doing yet I still did it. I even tore up the receipts so I couldn't take stuff back. I need to sort my finances out but I'm just ignoring it. Part of me is scared of what I'm going to find, another part of me just can't be bothered. What's the point?
Today was even more odd. I had to go to the doctors and even though I was trying to be serious and explain to him what the problem was I couldn't stop laughing. Every time he said something, in my mind I turned it into something rude and hilarious. I felt like such an idiot. It seems like whenever I see someone or talk to someone at the moment I turn into a giggling schoolgirl. I spent the rest of the day with my best friend and it was great. We had such a laugh but even she commented that I was "high as a kite". By the time I left hers I felt exhausted. I still drove home like a lunatic with my music so loud it was distorted. I know I was driving dangerously and way too fast but I just couldn't help it. For some reason I thought it would be fun to scream all the way home as loudly as I could so much so it made my throat hurt. I just felt it was something I needed to do.When I got home I cried again because I done something so ridiculous. I feel ok now but I've already made my mind up I'm not going to bed. I'm far to fidgety and restless. Now I'm worrying that everyone I've seen today thinks I'm just a loud mouth stupid cow. I've also got sex on my mind, almost constantly. As I haven't got a partner of any description at the moment it's really frustrating. I'm really not liking this mood at all.
I am seeing my care coordinator tomorrow. I hope she can help me work out what's going on.  That's if I tell her everything. She'll probably think I'm stupid too.

Well I saw her just now. The minute she walked in I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. I tried to be sensible and explain the best I could but it was so hard to try and concentrate. I found it virtually impossible to be serious yet I know it is serious. I know if I'm not careful I could become seriously unwell and as hilarious as things seem at times, I really don't want that. She's concerned that I'm "a bit high" but not overly concerned as I still have insight into what I'm doing. She said all the things I am doing are signs that I could be heading towards a manic phase. Of course I do know that.   She gave me a lecture about banks and condoms and keeping myself safe. I'm nearly fifty for fucks sake. Do I really need a lecture? I'm not sure I was really taking it in. I promised that I would call her if I felt things were getting worse. I also agreed to talk to my best friend and ask her to ring on my behalf if she thought it necessary. She's coming to see me again next week and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist booked. I'm lucky to have so much support. I'm trying hard to stay in control but there's only so much I can do. I guess I just have to ride it out, try not to get into any trouble and hope for the best.

Tell it as it is?

Sometimes I think having Bipolar makes me too honest.Being open and honest is a good thing right? I've always believed it's the best policy to tell it as it is and not hide the truth. Lately I can't help worrying that by writing this blog I've maybe opened up too much. I've left myself feeling like the whole world knows my business and maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. It's not really about what other people think of me, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered . It's about how I view myself. There I go again . Being selfish.  I don't mean to be. I've done it countless times before...said what I think and then wished I'd been quiet. It's always worse when I'm hypomanic. I just can't help myself. Sometimes I say stuff just for effect or to see what people will do. It gives me a thrill seeing people's reactions . Sometimes I say inappropriate things. It just pops out before I know it! Sometimes I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking. I'd never say anything deliberately to hurt someone but I know I probably have. Opening my mouth at the wrong time only really happens at the extremes of my moods. I'm sure I'm generally quite tactful and sensible. When I was a child I was painfully shy, lol, something most people who know me now would never believe. I wouldn't say a thing. I remember being told off for being too shy. I think things changed when I hit adolescence. I suddenly found a voice. I remember being told off for shouting and screaming and being stroppy. Typical teenager.
There are times when being a bit high has been to my advantage. I was the Union rep at work for 12 years. I thought nothing of arguing my point to a room full of managers. I can't imagine doing that now. Whenever we had staff meetings and something needed to be said, they always looked to me to bring it up.There are times when being high has got me into trouble, like the time I called a colleague a lying bitch at the top of my voice in the middle of the Reception area. There have been times where I've thought something was so hilarious at the time yet felt excruciatingly embarrassed afterwards, like the time when my GP asked if I had an increased sex drive ( one of the signs of hypomania ) and I replied " why, do you want a f**k?". I find it hard to imagine that that was me. The more hyped up I am the more likely I am to say the wrong thing.
When I'm depressed I tend to do the opposite. I'd rather not talk to people at all face to face. I do get over emotional though and tend to write messages or emails. I feel compelled to share my thoughts. I just pour it all out and press send before I've really thought it through. I mean every word I say but I probably wouldn't normally say it. I've written pages and pages to people, going on and on about my feelings. I read it back at a later date and just wish the ground would swallow me up.
I guess we all do it but I guess having bipolar magnifies it all. Sometimes I know I'm doing it and it gives me a real buzz to just let it all out. Other times I have no idea and it's a real shock to be told to shut up or be taken to one side and be told I'm not acting appropriately.
I've been worrying about the content of my blogs but I doubt I'll stop writing them.

Love

Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to live the rest of my life on my own. I'm not talking about having friends. I'm not talking about casual relationships and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about having a partner, someone to share myself and my life fully with. Someone who loves me for me and who can see beyond my illness. I sometimes feel like having Bipolar has damaged me beyond repair and that no one will ever want me as I am. I don't know that I will ever be good enough for anyone to truly love. I don't know that it would be fair to put someone through all the shit that happens in my life because of my Bipolar. Would it be fair to subject someone to such intense mood swings? I know when I'm high I'm pretty affectionate and pretty full on. I want company and I want physical contact. On the flip side, when I'm depressed, there are times when physical contact repulses me and I just want to be alone. I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling a lot of the time so how on earth is anyone else going to deal with it? 
I thought I'd found my soulmate in my ex husband. I thought I'd found the love of my life. If he couldn't put up with my moods then I'm not sure anyone else ever will. He told me that the hardest part of our relationship was the uncertainty. Not knowing what he'd come home to. He also said that was the most exciting part. Would I be sprawled naked across the kitchen table or would I be sobbing like a child in the corner? Would I be jumping up and down with excitement because he was home or would I completely blank him?
 I have fallen in love so many times....probably too often and too easily. Each time it's a different kind of love. It's very real at the time and it really does mean something. I'm sure it is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime, or even at the same time, it's the intensity of it that changes. I can say that every time I've fallen in love I really meant it. I've lived it and breathed it and felt it but it's never been the same as with my ex husband.
Love is a bit like sex I suppose, it can mean whatever you want it to mean.
People use the word love lightly.
People use the word love to get what they want...I'm sure I have.
The words "I love you" have so much power and yet that's all they are...words. Words don't really mean shit without actions.
If you love someone unconditionally then I believe it really is there forever. I don't think you can fall out of love. If you say you hate someone you loved then you probably never loved them at all. I hate what my ex husband did but I don't hate him.
I'm sure there are thousands of couples that stay together, not through love but because they fear being on their own. At times I do fear being on my own. I long to have someone to share my life with and I know I have so much to give but I really can't see it happening. Equally I fear being with someone all the time. I think I'd rather be on my own than risk failing again and I rather be single than just make do.

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