Closure

Since Christmas I've been trying to sort out my life and I've had to make some huge decisions. The biggest decision so far and probably one of the most important decisions I've ever made has been to cut all ties with my ex husband. I decided that I have to bury him in the past for good. I'll never be able to move on completely while he's still in the background. It scares me. Even though it's been over three years since we split, he's always managed to find a way to get involved. He's always been there just enough to keep something going but without any commitment. He's repeatedly told me it's because he still loves me and cares about me and wants to stay friends. He wants me to turn to him every time something happens. He said he will always be there for me. I think I've realised at last that what he's saying is ridiculous. He can't be there. He has a whole new life without me. Where was he when I was crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve? Where is he when I'm sitting at home alone wondering where on earth my life is going? Where is he when I wake up some mornings and just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok?  It's all bollocks. He can tell me he still cares about me and that he still loves me a million times. It means nothing. It's just words. How can we still be friends? Friends don't have to hide away from the world. Friends don't have to be friends in secret. If we were true friends I could pop round to his for a cuppa and if his girlfriend happened to be there it shouldn't make any difference. Friends don't make each other miserable. I have true friends. I don't need a fair weather one.
I knew exactly the moment when I decided I'd had enough. We went out for a meal, miles away from anywhere. I suspect he didn't want anyone to find out. As we were chatting he told me how well he thought I was doing now I was off my meds. He said " I always knew if you put your mind to it you could beat this thing". He doesn't know fuck all. He will never "get it". He thinks he knows about me and about bipolar. That comment just made me realise how clueless he really is and always will be. He thinks I can "cure" myself.
I wrote to him the next day. I told him you either want to be with someone or you don't. I told him if he wanted to be friends then it had to be open and honest. I told him that what wasn't ok was to keep making me believe that there could be a chance we might get back together one day. If he had told me that it was me he really wanted after all I have to admit that even though I've said it could never happen, I would have given him another chance. 
He didn't reply so I wrote again and told him I'd made the decision to cut him out of my life completely. I told him I didn't want any contact at all. No emails asking how I am, no turning up thinking he can tell me how I should be running my life, no meddling. I told him if anything happens to me again I don't want him anywhere near.  
He said he hadn't replied because he didn't know what to say, so true to form said nothing. He said he only ever did what he did because he loved me but if that's what I really wanted he would respect that. I do believe him but it's not a good enough reason to carry on as we are.
I haven't heard a thing for over two weeks now and I'm glad. For once he is doing the right thing by leaving me alone.
I still have some of my things in the loft at my old house. I will have to go collect it. I can't even remember exactly what's there so I need to go and look. I know there are all the photos of my son as a baby, stuff I had from school and college, stuff you collect over the years that have no material value but hold so many memories. I always was a bit sentimental about keeping certain things. I even kept the cork out of the bottle of champagne I had for my 21st and the Valentines card I got from my first boyfriend. I can't leave all that there. There's our wedding photos, video and cards. I don't know if I even want to keep them but if anyone is going to chuck them out it will be me. I'm not having someone else do it. I'll leave it a bit, but not too long. While it's there it's just an excuse to get in contact again. I'm going to take someone with me when I go. I'm sure it will be horrible and emotional. I don't want to be on my own in that situation. I don't want him trying to weedle his way in again.
I am upset. I don't hate him. I still love him. I just don't like who he has become. I won't ever be able to forget the past completely... I don't want to. I'll choose to remember what doesn't upset me. When you've had someone in your life for so long....even when it's not always been that great, it's frightening to think that they will be gone completely. It's also been positive for me.  I haven't thought about him that much at all. People have been telling me since we split that it's best to just go your own separate ways. They kept telling me I needed closure. I never took any notice. I guess I had to wait until I was ready. I do feel better about it all now. I don't need him at all. I don't want to be someone's second best. I'd rather be on my own. I feel strangely free.

I know but I don't !

There's a huge difference between normal mood swings and bipolar mood changes. I know that and have to try and keep things in perspective. I know the signs and I know that I can't blame everything on bipolar. At the same time I don't know. I think things are still ok. I'm still managing to keep my head....sort of. I think I'm mostly reacting normally to situations. It's just that I'm back to the constant racing thoughts. It's non stop. My mind is going from one thing to another at 100 miles an hour. I'm constantly having conversations in my head. I find myself talking out loud to people when I'm on my own. I keep going over and over and over the same things. One minute I'm ok about something then the next its a huge issue again. It's quite monotonous and unless I'm fully occupied, like when I'm at work, it is just time consuming. Sometimes I have the most bizarre stuff going on in my head. I feel very self conscious at the moment and a bit paranoid. I mostly think everyone thinks I'm stupid. I seem to be losing hours. I sat down yesterday at 4 o'clock and the next minute it was midnight and I haven't really got a clue what I was doing in-between. I forgot to have any dinner. I'm just not hungry.  I didn't even get up to get a drink or go to the loo. I still think it's mostly to do with lack of sleep, not the start of any major episode.  I don't know what the answer is. Keep busy and wait and and see I guess. As soon as I stop doing then I lose all concentration and away I go with the thoughts again. Once I lose focus I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I like to be organised but I find myself flitting from one thing to another and getting in a right old mess. Maybe I'll wear myself out so much that eventually I'll sleep for a week! I tried a herbal remedy that's supposed to aid sleep but it was crap. I don't really want to but I might have to ask my GP if I can maybe have just a weeks supply of proper sleeping tablets. Trouble is, I know what he'll say....go back on your meds.
I've decided to start trying to keep a mood diary again. When I was first diagnosed it really helped to track my moods and give me more insight into what was going on. I'm determined to keep on top of things. I know that I need to look after myself first. It's pretty basic stuff really but not sleeping and forgetting to eat and being inactive by sitting in the chair for hours are going to impact on my mood. I can't afford to be complacent. Just because I haven't had any major mood shifts since coming off meds doesn't mean I'm suddenly bipolar free. It's great to just get on with things without constantly relating everything to bipolar but at the same time I need to be vigilant. I need to be prepared. I've had so much going on. Stuff with my ex husband, my son and now the job I thought I'd got might not be permanent. It's all stuff I am coping with but if I start to get ill it all gets harder, then it's like a vicious circle. The more stressed I get the less care I take and everything just seems too much. That's when it becomes a problem. I don't know, I know but I don't! 

No regrets, just great memories

So, after two years it really has come to an end this time and it really is ok. Having a "relationship" with someone that is nothing more than sex is not something I ever thought I'd do. Not one that lasted so long anyway. I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I'm sure people do it all the time. Ok, so there were a few times where I wondered what on earth I was doing and questioned my feelings for him but I can honestly say that I have had some of the best moments with him and I have good memories that will last forever. I doubt he realised but he helped me get through some tough times.
I was so scared when he said he needed to talk. We never really talked. It's always been just about the sex. I knew what was coming and it sent me into a panic. I guessed he'd met someone and wanted to tell me that we would have to stop meeting up. All sorts of crazy things went through my mind. I convinced myself that I must be in love with him and I'd be miserable without him. I got myself so upset that I just cried and cried. I know now that I reacted like that because of the fear of change and the fear of losing something that's been so good from my life. When he did come round and speak to me about it I realised that yes of course I care and of course I have feelings but that what we'd had never was going to go anywhere. We both knew that from the start. In real life we are worlds apart. We both needed something physical at the time and it suited us both. We knew what we were doing and it was what it was. When he told me about her it did feel strange but I couldn't help but feel happy for him. I really do wish him well. He's a genuinely lovely person. Sometimes I think if you really do care about someone you have to put your own feelings aside and be pleased for them. We didn't have sex. We decided it wouldn't be right.... not even one last time. I'm glad. Twice before we've said it was over and then just carried on. I know it's different this time and somehow I feel relieved. I have been worrying about how it would ever come to a conclusion. I'm just so pleased it ended in a good way. It's inevitable that we'll bump into each other but I know it will be ok. I'd like to think that we will remain on good terms and there's no reason why we shouldn't. I wish him nothing but happiness. I will miss having someone to call on when I'm feeling horny! :-) but at the moment I think I'm going to be celibate for a bit and just be. Maybe one day I'll meet someone to share my life with fully but I'm not going to worry about it.
So, another part of my life sorted. 
The times I spent with him were special. I have no regrets. I'm glad it happened. 

I'm actually ok!

I saw my care-coordinator today and I feel so much better. She helps me put things into perspective. She made me realise that actually I am coping really well and I am managing things in a pretty "normal" way. I'm actually ok!  She said that she hasn't noticed any significant changes in my behaviour since coming off the meds and that she would even go as far as to say compared to six months ago I seem much more "stable". She made me realise that maybe if I take a step back and look at all the stuff that's been going on I've actually got through it pretty well. The lack of sleep issue is a concern but she feels that as I continue to get things sorted in my relationships and job and everyday things, hopefully I'll settle back into a proper sleeping pattern. She agrees that as long as I try to keep to a routine and continue to have good insight into my feelings that there's no need to rush back into taking medication. I trust her judgement more than my psychiatrists.
I always worry that because I am not in a crisis or because I'm not taking meds that they will discharge me and I'll be left to fend for myself. Her view is that now is the time I need the support more than ever and that she wouldn't dream of discharging me until I am presenting as "stable" for at least a few months. I find that reassuring. 
I think I've been panicking unnecessarily. I do feel a bit high at times. I do feel depressed at times but I am able to control it. There have been times lately where I've wanted to do some pretty strange things...like drive round to someone's house at three in the morning because I need to tell them something immediately, like punch someone for looking at me in the wrong way, like run away again, like swallow all the leftover pills I've got... but I haven't done any of it because I can think it through. I am a bit over emotional and a bit tearful at times. I do get scared but I'm trying my hardest and no, things are not perfect and sometimes life is really difficult and sometimes I do struggle and sometimes I get it wrong ....but who doesn't? 

In my last blog I said I didn't know what to do. Turns out I'm already doing what I need to do.... Get on with it. 

I don't know what to do?

I just posted on Facebook ......"I can't believe that it's exactly a year ago that I was on my way to hospital and really thought I was going to kick the bucket! Right now I'm feeling extra grateful that I'm still here... And very much alive and kicking :-)"
Truth is,  I don't feel alive at all. I'm really struggling with everything and I don't know what to do. I keep telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not lying, a lot of the time I am. I am managing to get by. I'm managing to hide how I'm feeling but it's so hard. I keep telling myself I'm coping well but a lot of the time I'm not and I really don't know how to handle it. It's a couple of months now since I decided to stop my medication. I can't say if it's made any huge difference. I was a mess with it and I'm still a mess without it. Some things are better, some things are worse. I've got so much going on at the moment and I can't seem to work out what's what. I've got stuff going on that would test anyone's mental health....bipolar or not. I don't want to panic and go back on medication just because things aren't perfect in my life. I've been trying to sort things. 
 The best thing that's happened is that I've got a part time job. It's been really good for me so far. I've got something different to focus on for a few hours.
The worst thing is that I just can't sleep. I haven't had more than three or four hours sleep a night for weeks. Sometimes less. I go to sleep ok but I just keep waking up every five minutes. Then I can't stop ruminating about everything and everybody. It's wearing me down. I can't think straight. This is the first time I've written a blog for ages. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been able to concentrate for long enough to get it on paper.
When I went to see my psychiatrist last week he was adamant that he thinks I should go back on the Lithium. He gave me a long lecture about diabetes and what would happen if someone stops their insulin. I know all about diabetes, I don't need a lecture. It's a completely different thing. The only advice he gave about my sleep was to keep a sleep diary. I haven't done it. I can't. By the time I remember to do it I haven't got a clue what I was thinking of when I woke up in the night....anything and everything. I've got so much I want to write about but I've had enough for now. I'm reading back what I've written and I really don't have a clue if I'm making any sense at all. I feel really vulnerable at the moment and I know I need to try and get a grip before something bad happens.