Saturday, 16 November 2013
When all else fails, go shopping?
I thought I'd better do as the doctor said and increase my medication. I hate it when I have to change meds. It always frightens me. Quetiapine is pretty strong stuff and I always worry about side effects. I don't like the idea of not being in control. I hate the idea of being turned into a zombie. A bit daft really as I really haven't felt in control anyway. I doubt it could make things worse. Well, it's five days in and mentally I am starting to feel a bit better. Some of the time anyway. If anything I've been on a bit of a high, despite all the crap that's going on in my life. I actually feel reasonably happy, which I haven't done for a very long time. Physically I feel like shit. At times I'm so tired it's unbelievable. I'm so tired during the day but wide awake when I'm supposed to be asleep! I'm hoping as my body gets used to it that will pass. I'm hoping that after months and months of my moods being all over the place I'll have some stability. I need it badly. I need to get myself back on track. I need to get organised. I've made a start. Yesterday I sat and went through my finances. It's not great. I don't want to say exactly how much money I've wasted when I've been high and gone on spending sprees. Over the last couple of years it's run into thousands. All on stuff that I was convinced I needed at the time but mostly a load of crap. I don't know what happens but I manage to tell myself there is no problem. I mostly buy clothes but it could be anything. I've got all sorts of weird and wonderful gadgets that are still in the box. I'll buy anything apart from the stuff I really do need...like food. The last time I felt really well I put a fair bit of my money into places where I couldn't get at it. Thank goodness I did or I'm sure by now I'd be totally skint. I don't know why it's so common for people with bipolar to struggle with managing money. I don't know why there are times when I'm compelled to shop and shop for stuff I don't need. I don't always remember doing it. Sometimes I do and I don't really care. I don't even remember if it makes me feel better. It just seems right at the time. Maybe it is a form of self medicating? It frightens me when I'm sorting through what I've bought. I often find two or three of exactly the same item. I find it hard to get to grips with why on earth I would do it. I buy stuff that I'm never ever going to use. I find stuff packed away that I don't even remember buying. Sometimes I give it away just to get it out of my flat. I put at least ten brand new items of clothing into a charity bag this morning. I feel so guilty that I've done it and I wonder how I'm going to manage in the future. When I've been depressed I've missed payments and ignored bills. I've given money away and acted as if I had a never ending supply. When I'm well I am really good with my money, I'm organised and I know where every penny goes. Unfortunately that's not very often. I don't know what the answer is. Unless I let someone else manage my money I doubt there is an answer. I don't think I could ever let anyone do that. When I feel well I'm too strong willed and independent. Unless I cut off my internet so I don't have access to the thousands of opportunities to shop online I think I'm always going to have a problem. I don't have any credit cards anymore, that really is too dangerous. The times I've closed and reopened my eBay and Amazon accounts is unreal. I once spent nearly £4,000 on eBay in less than a week. I was still married then and as I was the one who sorted the finances I managed to hide most of it. Not one item cost more than £30, so you can imagine how many parcels came flooding through the door. That's the trouble, it's all too easy. I guess I have to try and get as organised as I can while my mood allows me and hope for the best. When I got my divorce money it was supposed to set me up for the rest of my life. Small compensation really for 23years of marriage but I guess I should count myself lucky. At least I had some money to start with. In truth I may as well have flushed half of it down the toilet. I'd like to say money is not important but unfortunately it is. I'm on my own, I have no job and I have to look after number one. Fucking bipolar.