Sunday, 24 November 2013
I don't know why I feel so cross at the moment. I just feel angry but I don't really know why. I think I've come to a bit of a standstill and I don't know how to move forward. Sometimes I feel incredibly sorry for myself. Then I feel incredibly guilty as I know my little life and problems are pretty insignificant in the scheme of things. I get so wrapped up in my own world when really I'm not that important. Things have changed so much over the last few months and I don't really know how to handle it. I need to move on but I'm not sure how. There are some things I have no control over but there's a huge amount that I do and that's frightening.
I think I've finally come to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do about my son. The police have a warrant for his arrest and he has gone AWOL. I can't help him if I don't even know where he is. The only time he's called me is to beg for money. I don't know if he is back on the heroin. I know he is in trouble and I know that he's blown his chances of help from the rest of my family. It's not good but I'm powerless to do anything. I feel like I've let him down but in reality he has let himself down. I know I should just let him get on with it but he's always there in the back of my mind. Of all the things I wished for my son, to be a drug addict was the last thing I ever imagined.
Yesterday I had to go to the meeting to finalise termination of my employment. It was awful. I didn't realise how awful it would be. Even though I knew it was coming it still upset me more than I imagined. Having to sit in front of a panel of managers and listen to the report that had been compiled about how I'd had recurrent bouts of absence due to my ongoing mental health problems. How I'd been employed by them for 23 years but since 2007 I'd had over 20 episodes of sickness and over 1,200 days absent. How I'd had input
from occupational health, the mental health team and various other agencies. How the organisation had done everything in their power to try and help me keep my job. How after due consideration they could no longer support me in my role. I tried to keep my head up but the tears just flowed as I listened. I couldn't help it, I felt so pathetic.They asked me if I had anything to say. What could I say? It was there in black and white. For the last 6 years I'd been off sick more than I'd been at work. I felt like a freak. They were very nice about it and they made it clear that it was in no way a disciplinary action and that my ability to do my job and actual performance was never in question. There was never any question that I was excellent at my job but in reality it doesn't make a shits bit of difference wether I was good at my job or not. I feel like I'm now probably unemployable. That's another huge part of my life fucked up.
I'm missing having someone to be intimate with. I know it was right to stop it but I do miss him and I do miss the sex. I don't always feel safe now. I know what I'm like when I get high and sex is on my mind. It frightens me. I really don't want to do it with just anybody. I know I'm going to have to be really careful and stay away from certain people and certain situations.
I'm probably in the worst shape I've ever been. When I look in the mirror I hate what I see. It's one of the few things I know I can easily do something about. I am trying but it's just so hard to find the motivation.
I still can't seem to make a clean break from my ex husband. He still messages me and I still reply. He still insists that if I was ever in "that dark place " I could turn to him. He means if I ever wanted to kill myself. He was one of the main reasons why I wanted to do it in the first place so I don't see how that works?
My medication is still not right. My moods are all over the place. It's just never ending.
It's coming up to Christmas, which is the worst time of year for me. Too many bad memories. This year has been unbelievably hard and I know I shouldn't wish time away but I really will be glad to see the back of it. I felt exactly the same this time last year and probably the same for the last 6 years. I don't deal with change very well. I know things can't stay the same forever but I just wish for a bit of stability. All I want is to be well and be happy. What I don't want is to upset anyone or cause any problems, which is what I seem to do constantly. I feel like I'm always taking and never giving. I keep telling myself things can't possibly get worse. Surely next year has to be different.