Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Psychiatrists know best?

So I decided to come home. A huge part was the fact that I missed my best friend. Talking to her made me realise how important friends are and how ridiculous it is for me to think I can do it all alone. I don't really feel any better for trying to run away but I suppose I have more of a plan of what I need to do to try and get my life back on track. I wrote a list of everything I think I need to do. There's nothing new on there. It's all stuff I've been talking about doing for months anyway. It's all stuff that should be routine. Eat properly, sleep in my bed, exercise, sort out my finances, the list goes on. It's easy to write a list. Not so easy to actually do any of it. Definitely not so easy while my mood is all over the place.
My first priority was to see or contact everyone who means anything to me. I visited my parents . They were blissfully unaware of my meltdown. When I arrived I was shocked to see my son. He was out in their garden cutting all the bushes. He seemed ok. He's been staying with a girlfriend . He showed me a bit of paper from the police station saying he'd had a drugs test and he was opiate free. I didn't ask why he was being drugs tested, I was just relieved at the result. He insists that he hasn't used heroin and I think I believe him.
I've seen my two sisters and my two closest friends.
I've seen most of my "other" family (my best friends family) and I messaged a couple of other friends. So that's everyone taken care of. I don't think I've upset anyone beyond repair. Now I need to sort myself out.
Last night I slept for 12hours solid. I still feel tired.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow . It feels like tomorrow is D-Day for me. I have to try and make him see that I'm not right. I can't carry on the way I am. I need him to do something.

Well, that was a waste of time. I saw my psychiatrist. As soon as I arrived I knew it would be a disaster. My care-coordinator couldn't make it and the first thing he said to me was that we needed to get started quickly because he had a lot of people to see....great. He asked me a million and one questions. The usual stuff...... Was I spending lots of money? Did I ever feel superior to other people? Did I get road rage? How many hours do I sleep? Am I taking my medication? Do I ever feel like harming myself?  blah,blah,blah. He told me he wanted to leave my Lithium as it was and up my Quetiapine dose. He then told me that I needed to make sure I occupy my mind! That was it. No explanation as to why he wanted to up my medication, no explanation as to why he thinks I've been feeling and acting the way I have, nothing. I didn't even get the chance to ask him any questions but I made damn sure I called him an idiot as I walked out the door! Probably very rude but made me feel slightly better. I find it hard to put my trust in someone that I actually can't stand. I guess I either have to stuff a few more tablets down and hope for the best or stay as I am and I really don't think I can do that. I don't really know what to do. I probably should go and talk to my GP. I do actually trust him.


  1. ... Occupy your mind? Does he like, think that people with bipolar just sit there mulling or something?! I don't know about you, but I'm usually trying to do twenty things to keep my brain shooshed and fingers busy!

    1. It's hard enough as it is without having the person who's supposed to he helping coming out with such rubbish. I'm the same, often trying to do too many things at once, although sometimes I find it hard to get the motivation to do anything.