I've lost my job. The job that less than five months ago was deemed to be perfect for me. The job where after a week they told me it was as if I'd always been there. The job where I was doing so well that they asked me to increase my hours after only four weeks. The job where nobody knew about me being bipolar. The job that was supposed to give me a purpose. None of that seems real now. It's as if it was someone else doing it.
It wasn't my fault I went off sick. They changed my medication and it completely knocked me for six. It's not my fault I'm not ready to go back. It's not my fault that I'm not "stable" enough to return to work. Yet I feel so guilty because I've let so many people down and I feel so stupid that I can't do the job that I'm supposed to be so good at. I feel like a failure.
It will be finalised at a contractual review meeting. A panel will look at my sickness absence record, discuss my health, then terminate my employment. That's it. They are not doing anything wrong. They've followed procedure. If I'm really honest I can understand. Doesn't make me feel any better though.
I don't know what on earth I'm going to do. I've never been unemployed before. I don't know anything else apart from physio. I'm too young never to work again but I have a feeling that at nearly fifty and with a sickness record like mine, my job prospects are hardly going to be that great. I can't afford not to work and I don't even want to think about benefits. I don't think I can do any kind of care work again. The thought of being responsible for anyone else fills me with terror. I need a job with little or no responsibility yet I need something stimulating or I'll just get bored. I don't know if there is such a job. I'm not ready to go back yet so I just have to hope that if I start to feel better it will all become clearer. I don't want to wish time away but if I can just get Christmas out of the way then maybe next year will be a new start.