WAITING, WAITING, ALWAYS WAITING

Sometimes the waiting is worse than finding out what's wrong. I'm not the most patient person. If something needs doing I like it done and dusted!
It took 5 months from being told I had a mass on my pelvis to being diagnosed with bowel cancer and having my tumours removed. 5 months ... doesn't seem long if you say it quickly but being stuck in limbo, in pain and not knowing what's wrong for 152 days was excrutiating.  Even after being diagnosed there's still the wait for treatment, then the wait for more results, then the wait for an appointment to find out what happens next, then the wait for the next appointment...on and on and on ...
It doesn't matter what anyone says it's like torture. Still is.
No one should have to wait that long to get a diagnosis and treatment.  The new target to be implemented by 2020 is that anyone with suspected cancer will be diagnosed within 28 days ...can't see that happening. Obviously tests and results can't be done in a day, it does take time but the NHS is already overloaded and half the time the left hand doesn't know what the right is doing.  There are thousands of people just like me ... always waiting. For some it ends up too late.
I can't tell you how many times people have said  "if it was cancer or if they were really worried they'd have you in quickly"
or  "if it's cancer they wouldn't keep you waiting for an appointment".
Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
When they say "we're not overly concerned" I don't believe a word.
I'm now waiting for a scan to check if everything is clear and if I'm cancer free. I need another major operation on my back and they won't do it until after the scan.  If I've got to be out of action again for months I'd rather it be sooner than later. I've not been that well recently and had a some new problems so I really need to get it done so I can relax.  Of course its impossible to relax about it ...it's always in the back of my mind. Every little ache or pain or upset stomach and you can't help but worry if it's something more sinister and the cancer is still there lurking and waiting to do more damage.  It should have been done during September but I've only just got the appointment and it's not until 12th October. I should be pleased to have an appointment at last but instead I just cried when I opened it. It's not long really now but to me seems like forever. Then there's the wait for the results. Ughhh 
Whatever the results are I am going to have to get used to the waiting because it's going to be at least five years before I can put it all behind me.
The only way to get through it is to try and keep busy in between and carry on living. Easier said than done.
It's only 4 months since my op and I've recovered amazingly well really. I forget that and get frustrated. I want to be doing everything that I used to do ... I'm giving it a go but really I feel exhausted a lot of the time. I've had some brilliant times with friends and family ... I'm so lucky to have such good support but sometimes I just feel like I want to give up and hide away or just disappear. Of course I won't because I'm stronger than that and I know I have people that care... and they won't let me disappear. One thing I have taken from the trauma of the last year is to keep those people close who lift me up and forget about the ones that have dragged me down ...that's another story!
For now I will stick a smile on my face and get on with it and try to be thankful for the good things.