To Chemo or not to Chemo ...that is the question

  

Probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever been faced with. I know there are always choices with any treatment but I didn't realise how complicated it would be. I thought it would be a case of either needing chemotherapy or not. You're either cured or your not. They just can't tell sometimes.
After surgery I was offered a course of what they call adjuvant chemotherapy. It's the standard treatment after surgery to lessen the chance of cancer recurring. Even if the surgery was successful at removing all visible cancer, microscopic cancer cells sometimes remain and are undetectable until they start spreading or new tumours appear. Chemo is supposed to kill those cells that may or may not be there!
Adjuvant therapy doesn't guarantee cancer won't recur. It doesn't always work. It can help reduce the risk that it will come back, maybe... but at what cost?  Chemotherapy isn't like taking a paracetamol for a headache.... it's the use of highly toxic drugs that don't  discriminate between healthy and cancerous cells. There are huge risks, horrible side effects and it can often cause lasting damage. I'm not completely anti medication. If you need it and it works then great but having been on so many different drugs over the years I know all too well that they don't always work and can cause more problems.
I had to weigh up the risks against the benefits...not an easy task.
I declined having chemotherapy ... declined not refused. There's a difference. After lengthy discussions with my oncologist, specialist nurse,  gp, family and close friends, I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through it for the next six months.
I didn't want to risk a relapse of bipolar ... and the drugs they were suggesting certainly can mess with your head and I didn't want to risk neuropathy as I already have problems with losing feeling in my legs. I need an operation on my back which would have to be put on hold for months if I had chemo.
I also wanted to go on holiday and actually try and make the most of feeling a bit better before being out of action again with my back. I wanted to make the most of things while I felt ok. I never got to go on holiday but I've certainly tried to do as much as I can.
There's a 1 in 3 chance of recurrence for the stage I'm at and having chemo would reduce that risk by less than 10%... so I was told. For some people that might seem worth it but I don't think so.
Unless they'd told me I'd definitely die without it or that it would be 100% effective then I would rather take my chances. My gut feeling was to say no.
After the first meeting I felt reasonably confident I'd decline. Then I got the report from the oncologist and it read like it was a completely different meeting! He made it sound like I was the perfect candidate for chemo and was refusing to have it because I had bipolar ! I was fuming and really upset.
We arranged another meeting and I asked him if he had written it like that just to cover his arse in case the cancer was still there! He did apologise and after another lengthy discussion I came to the same conclusion ...the risks were not worth it. He did write another report saying he fully supported my decision and put his apology in writing. I guess that's something.
I've been fairly confident with my decision but 4 months down the line and waiting for scan results I can't help but be anxious. I'm more nervous about getting the results this time. Seems doctors don't know everything after all and I'm just hoping I was right to go with my instinct.