Why on earth would anyone with an ounce of self respect or brains want to ring the Jeremy Kyle Show? I hate the Jeremy Kyle show. I only ever watch it if it happens to be on and there's nothing else to watch. It's just full of low life scum bags wanting to get on the telly or people so naive or desperate that they don't realise that they are being exploited and made to look ridiculous in front of millions of people. It's actually quite sad. It's a freak show. I don't know anyone who takes it seriously. I actually feel embarrassed to admit I've watched it. So how come I ended up going on the website to try and find out if I could get on the show. Every now and then they have a story about how they pay for an addict to go to rehab and then give them all the support needed to help them " rebuild their life". When you have no idea what to do about a situation all sorts of stupid things cross your mind. Sometimes you feel so desperate you'd consider anything. My son is a heroin addict and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. A million pounds wouldn't change that fact, so going on a stupid TV show wouldn't make any difference. Now I feel such an idiot for even contemplating it. The only way he'll stop being a heroin addict is if he chooses to.
Not a word for weeks, absolutely nothing apart from a picture of him in the local paper saying he's wanted by the police. The only way to get through it was to keep telling myself that no news is good news. So to get a phonecall out of the blue was a huge relief. He didn't say much. He said he was ok and that he'd found some
money and bought a phone. I don't believe that for a minute. People don't just find money. He said he was staying with a friend. When I asked what he was doing he told me not to "start". I could tell by the tone of his voice there wasn't much point in trying to have a proper conversation. I told him I'd ring him in a few days. Instead of being happy I felt really cross. Not once did he say sorry about disappearing over Christmas, not once did he ask how I was, not once did he ask about my mum and dad or anyone else. Selfish little bastard.
I've spoken to him once since. He is staying with another addict. He says he's still using when he can afford it and that he's been selling scrap metal to get money. He says he knows he has to do something but doesn't know what yet. He doesn't want to see or talk to anyone else. I asked if there was anything I could do.....he said no. He's right. I'd do anything if I thought it would make a difference. I still love him but I don't really like him right now.
It's his Birthday tomorrow. He's going to be 28. He should be enjoying his life right now. Drugs have taken his life away. I don't want to think about how he will be spending his day.
It's not even the end of January and this year is already starting to go downhill. I don't want to be miserable. I really don't. I want to try and be positive and look on the bright side. I'm not doing a very good job. Things have been much more difficult this week. Everyone is back to doing their own thing. Back to normal everyday life. I've been trying my hardest to do the same but it's just not that simple. I don't have a normal everyday life anymore. I seem to take a step forward and then something happens to push me back again. Physically I still feel better than when on the meds. I've been to the gym and have been trying to do some sort of exercise every day, even if it's just a walk. It's a huge effort and it's really frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. My heart rate seems to be going through the roof and I'm terrified I'm going to have another heart attack. I guess it takes time and patience. Well I've got all the time in the world but my patience isn't that great. I've tried to keep busy. If I'm busy then I can't think too deeply but my mind is on overdrive and I just can't seem to concentrate for very long. I don't think I've had more than two or three hours sleep for the last few nights. Even though I'm tired, as soon as my head hits the pillow it's as if someone's turned on a switch and all this "stuff" is racing around in my head. If I manage to get to sleep I'm waking up every five minutes. Every problem or thought seems to magnify itself a million times at 3 o'clock in the morning.
I'm still trying to sort out the aftermath of everything that's gone on. My money situation is worse than I realised. The more I try and sort it out the more I realise what a hash I've made of it. I don't know where it's all gone. Trying to get a job is not that simple with my track record and trying to claim benefits is even more complicated. I don't want to claim benefits. I've always worked and I've always been independent. No one seems to know exactly where I fit into the system. In one breath they're telling me I'm not fit to work because of my health and the next I'm fit to work and need to be actively seeking employment. It's like a vicious circle. Now, to top it all I'm without a car. It's pathetic really how much I rely on it. It's not the end of the world but it's a pain in the arse and it's fucked up what little routine I have even more. I guess that makes me sound like a lazy, spoilt brat. I feel isolated and lonely. It's my own fault really. I have been so tempted to reach for the Clonazepam. I have a stash of it left over from before. I always used it as and when to help me sleep if I thought I was heading towards being manic. It pretty much knocks me out if I take enough of it. My mood has definitely taken a dip and it would be easy just to take a load of pills and sleep it all away. I really don't want to go down that route. It wouldn't change anything, I'd still have to face up to everything when I wake up. I'm sure I'd feel better if I got some proper sleep but it would probably be dangerous to start randomly popping pills and I really still want to try and stay medication free. I'm probably just having a bit of a bad few days. Well, I'm not ready to give up just yet, I'm tougher than that. I'll slap a smile on my face and get on with it. Things might not be great but they are no worse.
I have to smile when people keep telling me I look and sound really well with such a surprised look on their face. It's as if they are expecting me to sound like a blithering idiot and look like a bag of shit because I've stopped taking my tablets! I've lost count the number of times people have said it. It's quite flattering really and very encouraging.
I don't know quite what's happening to me. I still feel ok off the meds but it's as if my emotions are suddenly waking up. Being on medication didn't take the emotions away but for a lot of the time numbed them. Now I seem to be getting a whole lot of feelings flooding in and it's taken me by surprise. I've been quite tearful but it's not the same as being depressed. I don't think I'm crying over things that don't warrant a tear, I just seem to be very emotional. I've also felt really happy but not the same as when I get high. I saw a rainbow this morning and it genuinely made me feel really good. Maybe this is what's called being normal? !!!!!
I went to see my GP. Out of all the people that have been involved in my healthcare he is the one person that I trust and respect the most. He's been involved almost right from the start. I've been going to see him at least once a month for the last 7 years. He has seen me in just about every possible mood going. I had a double appointment so we could have a proper chat. I made sure I said everything I wanted to say before I listened to what he had to say. He agreed that he couldn't deny that what I was saying about why I wanted to come off the meds wasn't unreasonable and that how I was presenting was completely rational and grounded. He asked me if there was anything that he could say that would make me start taking my medication again. I told him that unless he told me I was going to drop down dead tomorrow, absolutely nothing. He said that was fair enough. He said he'd be surprised if I didn't have some sort of crisis within the next six weeks but that he hoped he was wrong. I have to see him again in two weeks. I'm ok with that. I'm being vigilant and if anything were to happen I have enough people looking out for me. I'm not stupid and I'd be quite happy to go back on medication if I really need to.
I've just seen my care coordinator and she said pretty much the same as my doctor. She said she wasn't at all surprised that I stopped the lithium too. She said that if she was in my situation maybe she would have done the same as at least I'll know for sure wether the medication made any real difference. The next few weeks are going to be the telling time. Right this minute I feel fine. I've had a good few days, I'm coping with the crap and I'm as prepared as I think I can be.
It's New Years Day and I just woke up and everything in the world is perfect. Now wouldn't that be great! Of course nothing has changed apart from maybe, along with millions of other people, there's an expectation that things will get better. A little bit of hope that the new year will bring better things. Nothing wrong with that.
That's it. I'm now completely medication free. Bipolar medication that is. I stopped the Lithium too. I made my mind up that I need to see what happens completely med free. I don't think I could survive another year like last year. I don't want to make things worse but they can't stay the same either. I don't want to spend half of my life wishing I was dead and the other half running around like a headless chicken doing absolutely nothing of any use. Since I was diagnosed I've done everything I've been told to do to try and keep myself well. I've taken every tablet, been to every appointment and followed every bit of advice. I put my trust in these "experts" but they haven't delivered. Not anymore. It hasn't worked so I'm going to do it my own way.
My GP rang me at 7pm last night. A friend rang him to tell him I'd stopped taking my tablets. She told me she'd done it because she was really worried about what might happen. I wasn't very happy but I know she meant well. He asked me if I was ok and why hadn't I gone to him first to discuss it. He said I'd put myself at a high risk of relapse. He said things could get a whole lot worse and that I could end up on even more medication or back in hospital. I told him that I was willing to take that chance and that I wasn't prepared to carry on with things as they are. I asked him how he knew what was going to happen. What made him so sure I wouldn't be perfectly ok? He said he couldn't be sure. That's just it, they don't know. No one does. I agreed to go and see him next week but that I wasn't going to change my mind.
Last year wasn't all bad but mostly it was. If it wasn't for my best friend and a few other special people I do think I'd be dead. I'm not exaggerating. It's the truth.
It's difficult to know how I feel at the moment because I've got a shitty cold. I didn't go out last night. I just didn't feel up to it. I made myself stay up to see the new year in. I cried and cried for most of the evening. Everything on TV reminded me of something or someone. When it got to midnight I cried even more. I'm never ever going to spend another new year on my own no matter how ill I feel. I was awake for most of the night and what a long night. When I finally went to bed I promised myself that things are going to get better.
I've got so many things I have to do this year. Most importantly I need a job.
I'm hoping I'll start to feel better and then everything else will fall into place.
