At a snails pace

As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.

Pet Therapy

If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 

Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 

So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 

Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 

I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already. 

Bipolar versus Life

Sunday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a long time. Even back on the meds I still can't sleep properly. My doctor agreed that Quetiapine is not right for me so prescribed Clonazepam instead. It's supposed to calm me and help me sleep. I did fall asleep quickly but woke at 3am and stayed awake. I feel very fragile. I feel panicky. I'm not hypomanic anymore. I feel so much calmer but I am tearful and scared about what may come. I know that whenever I've been hypomanic before it's usually followed by a crash. My mood plummets and before I know it I'm fighting depression. I couldn't go to my mums either because I couldn't trust myself to drive that far. I feel drained and I can't concentrate for that long. Short journeys are ok but even then it takes all my concentration. I'm trying to be positive but life just gets in the way. I feel like everyone is slowly abandoning me. Of course that's not true.
It's was also Mother's Day and yet again I never heard a word from my son. Not even a text. I haven't heard from him since his Birthday when he called me to ask if I was going to give him any birthday money. I knew he wanted it to buy heroin so I didn't give him any. We didn't fall out or argue over it but once I'd said no the conversation stopped. That was just over two months ago. I've tried to contact him since but he never answers his phone. If he can call when he wants something then why couldn't he have called on Sunday? I doubt I even crossed his mind and that really hurts. I read countless Mother's Day messages on Facebook and I wanted to be happy for people but I felt jealous and sad and devastated. Then I felt really guilty. The only comfort is the fact that I'm sure if he was in real trouble I would have heard somehow. I just wonder what goes through his mind. He must have known how upset I would be. Maybe he never gave me a thought. Maybe he's scared to contact me. Maybe he's ashamed. I worry that he's in such a mess that he just doesn't realise or care. I try to put him out of my mind but it's impossible.
I cried a lot but I do take comfort in the fact that I have such amazing support. It's the little things that people do that make such a huge difference . My best friend sent me a message with just kisses. Her son sent me a text saying he loved me. Another young friend texted me to say thankyou for being like a mother to her. Nothing can make up for the fact that my own son seems to have disappeared but knowing people genuinely care eases some of the pain.
I have to be sensible now and realise that it's going to take a bit of time to get myself back on a level. Meds don't work in an instant and having extra stress has a huge impact. I'm definitely better than I have been but I've got a fair way to go to get back into a "normal" routine. I'm trying to look on my experience of coming off meds as a positive thing. I tried and it didn't work but at least I now know I can't cope without and at least I have a better understanding of what moods and behaviours are caused by bipolar, what are the side effects of medication and what are just normal reactions to life. I think I would have inevitably done it at some point. I had the notion that maybe I'd turn out not to have bipolar at all but deep down knew that could never be possible. I think because of all the support I've had I'm getting through it without having done too much damage...I hope so anyway. I have bipolar disorder, I can't deny it and I have to manage it but at the end of the day I'm still me.