Hypomania ...the good, the bad and the bloody ridiculous

How I ended up being escorted to the doctors by my care coordinator and having to take medication in front of her to make sure I took it, to "calm me down", I don't know. Well, actually I do know and I'm feeling pretty stupid and pretty scared.  I guess I'm quite fortunate in that I have reasonable insight into my moods. That doesn't mean I can control what I'm feeling or always immediately do anything about it but at least I recognise when things aren't quite right. I think so anyway.

I felt myself getting more and more hyped up over a few days. It's difficult to describe. I know I was hypomanic. I know all the signs. I know I was building up to it.  A lot of people think of hypomania as being happy and full of energy and creativity and a good state to be in. Not so for me. Yes at times I felt happier than I have done for months, elevated, excited even but not always appropriate for the situation. The twitching, the irritability, the nervous energy, the thoughts and ideas scrambling about in my head, the frustration. It was bloody hard work. Yes, I did find myself being more creative. I've been doing some drawing, something I've wanted to do for months but whenever I tried it just turned out crap. Even that, though enjoyable was born out of a sense of urgency. I felt that once I'd decided to do it I had no choice. I produced some really good pictures. I even wrote some poems. I never write bloody poems! I've never even wanted to but again the ideas popped into my head and I just had to do it.
I bought a guitar. I've often thought about learning to play an instrument. Well there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was the fact that I've no idea why I thought I needed a guitar....yes  "needed" a guitar. I had an uncontrollable urge to buy it. Even though I haven't got a spare £100 to spend I couldn't rest until I'd bought one. I don't really know what on earth I thought would have happened if I didn't buy it but I just had to have it.
I found being on my own more difficult than normal and wanted to be near people yet when I was with anyone it was such hard work to try and curb my behaviour. As soon as I got near anyone I couldn't seem to contain my excitement and I couldn't keep still, or shut up. I'm lucky that I've got people who know me and don't judge me. When I went to visit my mum in hospital I had to use every ounce of strength to try and keep calm. Whenever I left someone and was driving home I just seemed to flip. The music was blaring, I put my foot down and every other driver was a wanker. I felt almost ecstatic to be racing as fast as I could. When I visited my best friend, by the time she opened the door I was laughing and crying at the same time. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I couldn't tell you if I was happy or sad, just a bit frightened and confused at that point. 
I found myself staying up all night. I didn't even try to get to sleep. I don't really know what I was doing all night. Day and night just seemed to mingle into one.
I got it into my head that I could command things to happen. I'm too embarrassed to say what but I spent hours commanding this and that to happen. I really believed it and when it didn't work I got really upset. I spent hours reading stuff online about the power of thought and mind over matter. Ordinarily I think it's a load of cobblers. 
Sex is another thing. I have no safety net now.  I found myself thinking about a certain person almost constantly. I knew it wasn't right. I'm not taking to being celibate very well, especially while I'm in this frame of mind. All I can do is keep myself away from situations where I might end up doing something I shouldn't. I'm craving physical contact but I just don't think it will ever be the same with anyone else. I don't want casual sex with just anybody. Frustrated is an understatement. I daren't go online and I daren't go anywhere where I might meet men.
Flipping from happy and excited and full of big ideas to angry and frustrated and irritable is not a great place to be. As for "real life", looking for a job, getting into a routine, sorting out my finances, eating properly, keeping fit, it all seems to have gone out of the window.

So, when my care coordinator came to visit me, straight away she said she was concerned about how "high" I was. I was trying to explain to her but I found myself switching from one subject to another. I knew for my own sake I needed to tell her what was going on. I knew I needed her help but I couldn't stop laughing even though I was trying to be serious. When she asked if she could call my GP and the psychiatrist I remember thinking "whatever".  Even when she drove me to the surgery and we were put in a room (not the public waiting room) to wait for my doctor I found it difficult to take in. When my GP came in he told me he'd spoken to my psychiatrist and that they'd agreed that I was hypomanic and heading towards mania and that I needed to go back on the Quetiapine. I think I told him to fuck off and that I was never going back on it again. Part of me could sense the seriousness of the situation but another part of me found it all so funny. I was sitting in a swivel chair and it was really distracting me. He told me that if I didn't take the meds I'd most probably end up in hospital and then I would have no choice. It seemed like we were there for ages. I felt like a child being told what to do.  I got what he was saying. I know he was right. It was just difficult to organise myself and my thoughts. I think I agreed to take a small dose for a week.....mostly to shut them up. My care coordinator persuaded me to take it then and there.
I find it hard to believe but within a couple of hours I'd nodded off in the chair and slept for 2 hours solid. I slept that night too and the next. On the third day I felt so miserable I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop eating too. I was ravenous. I know it was the Quetiapine. I decided not to take anymore. I figured I'd calmed down enough and that hopefully the Lithium would kick and stop me from getting too high again. I feel reasonably ok now. What scares me more than anything is the thought of crashing into depression. I've never experienced full blown mania. My episodes tend to be mixed followed by depression. I feel like an idiot at the moment and I feel like I'm to blame. When I see my doctor I need to try and explain that yes I realise I can't manage without medication but that I'm not prepared to go back on a medication that just doesn't suit me. Lithium is fine but Quetiapine is not for me. I want to be compliant. I don't want to get really ill again but there must be alternatives. I can't go back to feeling how I did when I was on Quetiapine. I can't put up with the shitty side effects and I can't spend the whole time worrying that it could contribute to another heart attack. Now that I feel a little bit more in control I hope I can discuss it with him sensibly. 

I can't keep still!

The last few days have been getting more and more difficult. My Mum is in hospital and I'm really worried about her. I know that the stress is not helping my mood. I've only been back on the Lithium for a few days so I doubt it's doing anything yet. At times I feel exhausted yet I seem to have so much nervous energy. I feel restless and I'm finding it hard to keep still. If I try to keep still it's worse. I find myself jumping out of the chair or kicking my legs about.  It's like I just can't relax. I find myself grinding my teeth. I'm swearing a lot too. I feel like I want to scream. I just don't really know what to do with myself. I have bursts of energy where I get stuff done but I'm not very organised and get distracted. I'm not really doing the things I'm supposed to be doing. Sleep is getting less and less. I'm flitting from one thing to another. My mind is just crammed with "stuff" at the moment. I've been writing and drawing a bit, which channels some of it but that's pretty sporadic. I've got so many thoughts and ideas I can't keep up with myself. When I'm on my own at the moment I feel pretty stir crazy.  This is when I miss having someone around.  I want to talk and I crave physical contact.
I've spoken to a few people about it and I'm thinking of getting a dog. I need something to love and look after. I know I'm always having mad ideas but I think a dog might just help me settle a bit. I know it's a huge responsibility but it could be just what I need. I have so much time on my hands and it certainly won't be short of attention. I'm sure having something that depends on me will help me to get back into some routine. I've read countless stories of how having a pet can help with mental health. 

 When I first got ill I developed a "twitch" in my right thigh. The muscle was almost continually contracting and I had no control over it. I saw a movement disorder specialist in London and she diagnosed idiopathic myoclonus. Basically she couldn't say for definite why I'd developed it but it was most likely psychogenic ....originates from the mind. I find that really hard to get my head round. How can something that is so obviously physical be caused by what goes on in my mind? I convinced myself that it was yet another side effect of medication or that I'd developed some awful neurological condition. I tried my hardest to stop it but that just made it worse. The more I was conscious of it the more intense it became. I became so self conscious about it. It was noticeable to other people, especially my husband at night. He used to get really cross because I couldn't keep still. He often ended up sleeping in the other room. Sometimes my leg was twitching so hard it was painful. No amount of trying to consciously control it made any difference. Unless I was concentrating hard or fully engrossed in something it was there. I couldn't keep still and I felt restless and agitated.  It was always there and always worse at night. I was given a Botox injection in the muscle every few months, which really helped. It almost immediately eased the severity of the muscle jerking. Eventually it disappeared and the treatment stopped. If I think back it was at its worst when my bipolar wasn't under control. Now it's come back with a vengeance and if I'm honest it has to be because I'm not really well at the moment. I don't know if it's a side effect of coming off meds.  I don't know if it's very common for people with bipolar to develop movement disorders. There doesn't seem to be much information about it. I know psychomotor agitation is a symptom of hypomania or mania. What I also know is it's embarrassing and it's starting to get me down. I was at a friends last night and it was so hard to settle. I felt like I'd got ants in my pants! I'm just hoping things will settle as the meds get back into my system.

I told you so

Sometimes it doesn't matter what anyone says. You don't believe it until find out for yourself.
I know I'm not very well. It's all starting again. I've had a really hard time this week. I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going.  I'm constantly worrying about what I've done or not done, what I've said or shouldn't have said. When I first came off meds I felt so much better for a while. I lost that "numb" feeling. I felt more alive. I convinced myself that medication was to blame for everything and that maybe it was all a huge mistake and I'd eventually go back to "normal".  I've realised that I've got to do certain things to keep well but that at the moment I just can't. It's not a case of failing or being weak. It's all happening again. I find myself thinking and doing things which I know aren't quite right. I can't help what goes on in my head. I've been doing things that I know won't help me yet I can't seem to stop it. I know I need to eat. It's a basic thing but at the moment I'm just not able to eat properly. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've lost weight and I'm scared I'll put it back on again. I don't know if it's because I'm just not hungry. I'm really trying but I just seem to have a mental block. When I did make myself eat a proper meal I felt so bad I went straight into the bathroom and made myself sick. 
I know I need to sleep but I haven't even got into bed for the last three nights. I'm tired, I must be, yet I've got so much nervous energy. I can't settle...now how does that make sense?
I hardly ever drink but the other night I got myself so drunk. I was on a mission to drown everything out. I haven't got a clue what I was doing. All I achieved was a massive hangover and more worry. 
I'm trying not to drive far. Last time I drove home I was driving dangerously. I know I was doing it. I didn't care that if I got caught doing over 100 mph I'd be in trouble. The thought of crashing didn't bother me. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
My mood is so all over the place. It's a horrible combination of everything. Mixed up and not making much sense one minute then thinking I've got it all sussed the next. I feel agitated and twitchy. I can't keep up with everything I think I need to do. I'm not depressed and I'm not manic. I know that. I'm not sure what I am. My best friend picked up on it. She said if I didn't go to the doctors she would have to ring herself. I trust what she tells me and I want to talk to her about stuff but I find myself thinking that I must be pissing her off. I find myself thinking about dying. I find myself thinking about how I'd end it all. Those thoughts really scare me. The thing is they come and go so quickly. I feel great one minute because I think I have all the answers to everything then I find myself sobbing uncontrollably because I have no idea what to do. I pretty much had a melt down in the doctors. He said he had no joy in telling me I told you so but that I had to realise that I had a serious mental illness and that by refusing to take my meds I was making myself ill. He said he was worried I could end up being in hospital again and then I'd have no choice. He was so worried that he called the mental health crisis team. 
They sent someone to see me and it did help.  He made me realise that while my reasons were valid I probably stopped my medication in the worst possible way...abruptly and because I was feeling shit. He made me realise that if I don't get my mood balanced enough to be able to do what I need to do to stay well then things can only get worse. He said that medication wasn't going to cure everything but maybe that I should see it as a tool. He said that maybe some of my problems were medication related but not all. Maybe I just wasn't on the right combination or dose. The thought of going back on meds really frightens me. He suggested that I just try the Lithium again and if that stabilised my mood enough maybe I could try again without at a later date and in a more controlled way. I know what he said made sense. 
There was a period when I came out of hospital and I felt really well. I was happy to be on meds then. I think I've been in denial. I guess I have to face up to what everyone's telling me. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that the diagnosis is not wrong. I have bipolar and I have to take responsibility. It's about coping and feeling well, not trying to make it disappear. If I need meds to help me do that then so be it. It's been a hard decision to make but I'm going to restart the Lithium at least. A good friend of mine pointed out to me that when I stopped my medication I was adamant that if it all went tits up I'd start taking it again. Best take my own advice. 

To blog or not to blog?

So I've ended up writing a blog about wether or not I should be writing blogs!!!!! Just about sums up my frame of mind at the moment. Sometimes I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this blog. I started it because it somehow helped to just write stuff down. I had the notion that sharing my experiences might be interesting and useful. Sometimes it gives me a huge sense of relief to write my thoughts down. I never really thought of the consequences. I'm trying to work out where I'm at right now and I read back over some of my past blogs. All I've done is make myself miserable. When it boils down to it nothing ever changes. If I did meet someone special and they read it I guess they'd run a mile. I haven't exactly portrayed myself as the most stable person. 
 If I just give up on it I'll feel like I've failed yet again but I can't really see much point to it anymore. I always have big ideas and start things that I never finish. I suppose a blog like mine doesn't really have a beginning or end. I have had some really positive things come out of it. I've met people who tell me it's helped to know there are other people out there who experience the same things. I've been able to get things off my chest that I wouldn't dare have spoken about to anyone before. My sister told me she has a better understanding of bipolar and how it affects me. I don't know, maybe some things would have been better left unsaid. I get like this every now and then. Have I actually posted anything worthwhile or have I just made myself look like a complete freak?  Trouble is once something is said it can't be unsaid. I've never lied in any of my blogs but I worry that I say too much. I know people read it because I've had thousands of page views but who really gives a shit anyway?  I still keep writing it. I feel almost compelled to keep writing it.
 I've tried so hard over the last few weeks to get my life back in order. I've tried to be realistic. I've tried to just get on with things. Maybe I'm trying too hard.
All day every day I feel like I'm being bombarded with advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing. How to keep fit, how to stay healthy, what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to say, how to be happy, what to think ......It's just constant. It's everywhere. 
I know what I should be doing. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I don't really know what to say. I hate myself for being this way. I don't mean to be selfish. I just can't stand it any longer. It's not a case of being sad or feeling sorry for myself. I just can't see any point. I don't know why people even give me the time of day. What do I actually do for anyone? All I seem to do is fuck up. I know there are people far worse off than me and that makes me feel even more pathetic and guilty. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm not stupid, I'm not unintelligent. Sometimes that makes it worse. I can think about things logically, I can find an explanation for most things. I can talk rationally about things and even convince myself what I'm saying is true. I make plans for all sorts in my head. I feel better about things then whats in my mind just starts taking over and everything is fucked up again. Everything just gets confused and mixed up in my thoughts. What I can't do is take away the pain. I can laugh and joke and pretend but when it boils down to it I'm just so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm so lonely. I really do think I'm crazy. My mind is just constantly going over and over things. I need it to stop. I'm terrified of life at the moment. I'm terrified of death too. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of hell and I don't know how to get out. I guess I do need help but I don't know what anyone can do. I'm not going back on medication.Nothing was any different on medication. 
Maybe I'm writing my blogs in the hope that someone, somewhere will read it and give me all the answers. I know that's not possible and I probably wouldn't listen anyway. 

Closure

Since Christmas I've been trying to sort out my life and I've had to make some huge decisions. The biggest decision so far and probably one of the most important decisions I've ever made has been to cut all ties with my ex husband. I decided that I have to bury him in the past for good. I'll never be able to move on completely while he's still in the background. It scares me. Even though it's been over three years since we split, he's always managed to find a way to get involved. He's always been there just enough to keep something going but without any commitment. He's repeatedly told me it's because he still loves me and cares about me and wants to stay friends. He wants me to turn to him every time something happens. He said he will always be there for me. I think I've realised at last that what he's saying is ridiculous. He can't be there. He has a whole new life without me. Where was he when I was crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve? Where is he when I'm sitting at home alone wondering where on earth my life is going? Where is he when I wake up some mornings and just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok?  It's all bollocks. He can tell me he still cares about me and that he still loves me a million times. It means nothing. It's just words. How can we still be friends? Friends don't have to hide away from the world. Friends don't have to be friends in secret. If we were true friends I could pop round to his for a cuppa and if his girlfriend happened to be there it shouldn't make any difference. Friends don't make each other miserable. I have true friends. I don't need a fair weather one.
I knew exactly the moment when I decided I'd had enough. We went out for a meal, miles away from anywhere. I suspect he didn't want anyone to find out. As we were chatting he told me how well he thought I was doing now I was off my meds. He said " I always knew if you put your mind to it you could beat this thing". He doesn't know fuck all. He will never "get it". He thinks he knows about me and about bipolar. That comment just made me realise how clueless he really is and always will be. He thinks I can "cure" myself.
I wrote to him the next day. I told him you either want to be with someone or you don't. I told him if he wanted to be friends then it had to be open and honest. I told him that what wasn't ok was to keep making me believe that there could be a chance we might get back together one day. If he had told me that it was me he really wanted after all I have to admit that even though I've said it could never happen, I would have given him another chance. 
He didn't reply so I wrote again and told him I'd made the decision to cut him out of my life completely. I told him I didn't want any contact at all. No emails asking how I am, no turning up thinking he can tell me how I should be running my life, no meddling. I told him if anything happens to me again I don't want him anywhere near.  
He said he hadn't replied because he didn't know what to say, so true to form said nothing. He said he only ever did what he did because he loved me but if that's what I really wanted he would respect that. I do believe him but it's not a good enough reason to carry on as we are.
I haven't heard a thing for over two weeks now and I'm glad. For once he is doing the right thing by leaving me alone.
I still have some of my things in the loft at my old house. I will have to go collect it. I can't even remember exactly what's there so I need to go and look. I know there are all the photos of my son as a baby, stuff I had from school and college, stuff you collect over the years that have no material value but hold so many memories. I always was a bit sentimental about keeping certain things. I even kept the cork out of the bottle of champagne I had for my 21st and the Valentines card I got from my first boyfriend. I can't leave all that there. There's our wedding photos, video and cards. I don't know if I even want to keep them but if anyone is going to chuck them out it will be me. I'm not having someone else do it. I'll leave it a bit, but not too long. While it's there it's just an excuse to get in contact again. I'm going to take someone with me when I go. I'm sure it will be horrible and emotional. I don't want to be on my own in that situation. I don't want him trying to weedle his way in again.
I am upset. I don't hate him. I still love him. I just don't like who he has become. I won't ever be able to forget the past completely... I don't want to. I'll choose to remember what doesn't upset me. When you've had someone in your life for so long....even when it's not always been that great, it's frightening to think that they will be gone completely. It's also been positive for me.  I haven't thought about him that much at all. People have been telling me since we split that it's best to just go your own separate ways. They kept telling me I needed closure. I never took any notice. I guess I had to wait until I was ready. I do feel better about it all now. I don't need him at all. I don't want to be someone's second best. I'd rather be on my own. I feel strangely free.

I know but I don't !

There's a huge difference between normal mood swings and bipolar mood changes. I know that and have to try and keep things in perspective. I know the signs and I know that I can't blame everything on bipolar. At the same time I don't know. I think things are still ok. I'm still managing to keep my head....sort of. I think I'm mostly reacting normally to situations. It's just that I'm back to the constant racing thoughts. It's non stop. My mind is going from one thing to another at 100 miles an hour. I'm constantly having conversations in my head. I find myself talking out loud to people when I'm on my own. I keep going over and over and over the same things. One minute I'm ok about something then the next its a huge issue again. It's quite monotonous and unless I'm fully occupied, like when I'm at work, it is just time consuming. Sometimes I have the most bizarre stuff going on in my head. I feel very self conscious at the moment and a bit paranoid. I mostly think everyone thinks I'm stupid. I seem to be losing hours. I sat down yesterday at 4 o'clock and the next minute it was midnight and I haven't really got a clue what I was doing in-between. I forgot to have any dinner. I'm just not hungry.  I didn't even get up to get a drink or go to the loo. I still think it's mostly to do with lack of sleep, not the start of any major episode.  I don't know what the answer is. Keep busy and wait and and see I guess. As soon as I stop doing then I lose all concentration and away I go with the thoughts again. Once I lose focus I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I like to be organised but I find myself flitting from one thing to another and getting in a right old mess. Maybe I'll wear myself out so much that eventually I'll sleep for a week! I tried a herbal remedy that's supposed to aid sleep but it was crap. I don't really want to but I might have to ask my GP if I can maybe have just a weeks supply of proper sleeping tablets. Trouble is, I know what he'll say....go back on your meds.
I've decided to start trying to keep a mood diary again. When I was first diagnosed it really helped to track my moods and give me more insight into what was going on. I'm determined to keep on top of things. I know that I need to look after myself first. It's pretty basic stuff really but not sleeping and forgetting to eat and being inactive by sitting in the chair for hours are going to impact on my mood. I can't afford to be complacent. Just because I haven't had any major mood shifts since coming off meds doesn't mean I'm suddenly bipolar free. It's great to just get on with things without constantly relating everything to bipolar but at the same time I need to be vigilant. I need to be prepared. I've had so much going on. Stuff with my ex husband, my son and now the job I thought I'd got might not be permanent. It's all stuff I am coping with but if I start to get ill it all gets harder, then it's like a vicious circle. The more stressed I get the less care I take and everything just seems too much. That's when it becomes a problem. I don't know, I know but I don't! 

No regrets, just great memories

So, after two years it really has come to an end this time and it really is ok. Having a "relationship" with someone that is nothing more than sex is not something I ever thought I'd do. Not one that lasted so long anyway. I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I'm sure people do it all the time. Ok, so there were a few times where I wondered what on earth I was doing and questioned my feelings for him but I can honestly say that I have had some of the best moments with him and I have good memories that will last forever. I doubt he realised but he helped me get through some tough times.
I was so scared when he said he needed to talk. We never really talked. It's always been just about the sex. I knew what was coming and it sent me into a panic. I guessed he'd met someone and wanted to tell me that we would have to stop meeting up. All sorts of crazy things went through my mind. I convinced myself that I must be in love with him and I'd be miserable without him. I got myself so upset that I just cried and cried. I know now that I reacted like that because of the fear of change and the fear of losing something that's been so good from my life. When he did come round and speak to me about it I realised that yes of course I care and of course I have feelings but that what we'd had never was going to go anywhere. We both knew that from the start. In real life we are worlds apart. We both needed something physical at the time and it suited us both. We knew what we were doing and it was what it was. When he told me about her it did feel strange but I couldn't help but feel happy for him. I really do wish him well. He's a genuinely lovely person. Sometimes I think if you really do care about someone you have to put your own feelings aside and be pleased for them. We didn't have sex. We decided it wouldn't be right.... not even one last time. I'm glad. Twice before we've said it was over and then just carried on. I know it's different this time and somehow I feel relieved. I have been worrying about how it would ever come to a conclusion. I'm just so pleased it ended in a good way. It's inevitable that we'll bump into each other but I know it will be ok. I'd like to think that we will remain on good terms and there's no reason why we shouldn't. I wish him nothing but happiness. I will miss having someone to call on when I'm feeling horny! :-) but at the moment I think I'm going to be celibate for a bit and just be. Maybe one day I'll meet someone to share my life with fully but I'm not going to worry about it.
So, another part of my life sorted. 
The times I spent with him were special. I have no regrets. I'm glad it happened.