Phew ....nearly done

It's the day after Boxing Day. Well, I managed to get through Christmas without any major upset and if I'm honest I really enjoyed some of it, even without my son. When I woke up on Christmas Eve I felt more lonely and more scared than I have done for a long time. For a short time I thought how much easier it would be to just pack it all in. Put an end to it all. I always feel like that on Christmas Eve. Thankfully those feelings passed. I'm so lucky to have such great friends. It's impossible to stay miserable when you're surrounded by people that you know genuinely care. I was dreading Christmas dinner with my Mum and Dad but it was fine. They didn't mention my son and neither did I. I know they were thinking about him, he's their grandson after all but they didn't let on that they were upset. I could tell they were. They tried to make my day as happy as possible and vice versa. Even if he didn't want to see me, how could he do that to his Nan and Grandad? 
  I found it more difficult at my sisters with the rest of the family. I always feel like the odd one out. Probably because I am the odd one out! It's nothing that they do, it's just me. Again no one mentioned my son. He's the oldest of five grandchildren. They were all there. It was almost as if he didn't exist. Obviously I didn't hear a word from him. Not even a text. I knew I wouldn't but I kept hoping. That hurts. I've no idea where he was or what he was doing. If something really bad had happened to him I'm sure I would have heard. One of the most important people in my life and now he's gone. Just disappeared. He's homeless, he's got no money, not even benefits, he's cut off from all his family and he's feeding a heroin addiction. Something will happen, I know it. I don't want to think about it but something will happen and I doubt it will be good.
Now all I have to do is get through New Year and I can draw a line under this bloody awful year. I used to love New Years Eve. I loved the parties and getting drunk and singing Auld Lang Syne. I loved the excitement and anticipation of what the future might hold. I think I should just stay in and go to bed early this year. God knows why I think it will be any different when I wake up. It's just another day. I guess we all have high hopes for the new year. I'm not going to make a whole load of resolutions. I've got stuff that I want to do and I'm going to try my hardest but I'm not going to set myself up to fail either. I'm not going to take anything for granted.
Considering everything I feel like my mood had settled a bit now. I cried a bit today, well a lot but I think it was more relief. Relief that Christmas is over. I'm not going to let things get to me. I am a strong person and I know next year will still have its problems but I am determined not to let Bipolar get in my way. I'm not going to let it make things more difficult than they already are. I can't control it completely but if I am careful I am feeling hopeful that things won't be as bad. I don't think I could cope with the constant changes in my mood that I've had over the last few months. I feel ok now without the medication. I keep changing my mind on that one but I'm going to stick with my decision. I'm not going to let doctors or psychiatrists or anyone else dictate how I deal with it. 

Something's making me mad

I'm now wondering if I've done the right thing by stopping my tablets. I'm so fucking restless. I don't know what I want or need. I feel like I'm going to scream. I can't seem to concentrate. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I've done sod all. I was going to do so much today. All I've done so far is wander from room to room not knowing where to start. My language is appalling. Good job I'm on my own. I've got presents to wrap and I can't bring myself to do it. The closer it's getting to Christmas the more wound up I feel. I keep telling myself it's just one day. Trouble is it's not just an ordinary day. I really wish I could just go to bed right now and wake up when it's all over. I'm not really liking people at the moment. I don't know why because everyone's being extra nice. Even that's upsetting me... people being nice.  I feel like I could actually punch someone. People are either gushingly happy and full of it or moaning when they really haven't got anything to moan about. People really are stupid....including me. It pisses me off. How can I go from feeling reasonably happy to feeling so cross in such a short space of time? I had a lovely time with a friend last night. Why am I so horrible and ungrateful today? Nothing changed in the night. It's not that I don't want to see anyone enjoying themselves. I don't know what it is. I'm trying not to spend too much time on my own because I know it makes things ten times worse. Too much time to think just  magnifies everything.
I'm going to have to be so careful that I don't upset anyone over the next few days. I'd never forgive myself.
I don't know if it's lack of medication or Christmas that's making me feel like this. I'm not going to take the tablets again. It's too soon to tell. I'll decide what to do in the new year.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow and be happy as anything again. I have a feeling I'm in for a bit of a roller coaster over the next few days.

So far so good

Well I haven't been carted off kicking and screaming yet! It's nearly two weeks since I stopped taking the Quetiapine. I've decided to leave it a bit longer before I try and come off the Lithium or maybe I'll stay on it after all. Maybe it would be stupid to cut that out, especially when it doesn't give me any obvious problems. In hindsight I probably should have left it all until the new year. Maybe it would have been better to wait for a less stressful time. I could have been waiting forever. There's never a less stressful time. Trouble is once I get an idea into my head that's it.
Sometimes I feel so sick and I'm getting the most horrendous headaches. If I can manage to get to sleep at all I wake up every couple of hours. I'm sure it's just withdrawal symptoms and I'm sure they'll pass. I tried not to read too much on the internet about it. You just get loads of horror stories about shitty side effects of withdrawal that last for weeks. I'm just ignoring it. On the plus side I don't feel so groggy. It's as if a haze has been lifted. I've got more energy so I've been doing more. I also lost 6lb without even trying. I am definitely eating better and don't have the cravings for sweet things. I've actually been able to do a poo that doesn't resemble rabbit droppings...sorry lol, probably too much information there! My mouth feels normal instead of like the bottom of a budgies cage. My skin feels better, not so dry and itchy. My stomach isn't bloated and my feet haven't puffed up for days. I'd say definitely more positives than negatives.
It's how I feel mentally that's more important. To be honest I don't feel that different. My moods are still up and down and all over the place but if anything I feel more alert. I feel as if when I cry I cry harder and with more emotion and when I feel good I feel really good. Ok so maybe I've been a bit high at times but I don't see that as a bad thing. I know I've been a bit excitable and maybe a bit mouthy and my driving is atrocious but I don't think I've done anything that terrible! I'm relying on people to tell me if I get too out of order. My thoughts are running riot and are utterly ridiculous at times but mostly they're happy thoughts and at least I recognise when they are ridiculous. I'm being really careful not to do anything that will get me too excited! I'm trying to keep calm. In my head I want to do all sorts of barmy things but I'm managing to keep a lid on it. At least I've got the urge to do things. I wouldn't say I'm super motivated but I'm doing every day things without really thinking about it. I'm making the most of feeling ok......and I can't remember the last time that happened. 
Everything bad in my life I've put to the back of my mind. I'll deal with it later. 
I do feel scared but at the same time I feel strangely free. 
I told my care coordinator and she wasn't too happy but said she understood that it's my choice. She doesn't think what I've done is wise, especially when I've had so much trouble in the last year. She then went on about how unmedicated  bipolar can quickly get out of control and how I really need to keep on taking the Lithium and how I must contact her or the crisis team if I feel like I'm getting unwell. She said that it's great I'm feeling better right now but that it's too early to tell the true effect of stopping my medication. She said exactly what I expected her to say. 
Well I do feel like I have things under control. I do feel like I can cope with Christmas without breaking down. I do feel like I know what I'm doing and I do feel better than I did a month ago. 

Just keep on taking the tablets

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing when actually I know exactly what I'm doing. It's not that long ago that I wrote a post about how important medication is in helping to control my bipolar. I guess that's how I saw it at the time. I don't feel the same about it right now. I've decided to wean myself off my medication. I've been feeling like crap for months now. I feel physically ill and I'm convinced it's to do with my medication. I'm always thinking about stopping it. I think about it at least once a week when I'm decanting a shit load of pills into daily compartments. I think about it when I feel so physically tired it's an effort to get up. I think about it when I look at myself I the mirror and can't see that "spark" I always had. I think about it when I get headaches and constipation and nausea and spots and a horrible taste in my mouth and, and, and....I get it into my head that if I could just get rid of all the crap they keep pumping into me I could start to think clearly and sort myself out, physically and mentally. Maybe just maybe they got it all wrong and there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe all my bipolar symptoms are caused by all the mind altering rubbish they keep expecting me to swallow. Well, obviously saying I haven't got bipolar is pretty stupid but to what degree have I got it?  I managed most of my life without anything drastic happening. My ups and downs were just part of who I was. It was only when I was given antidepressants that the real problems started. I haven't felt right for so long now I owe it to myself to give myself a chance. Part of me knows I'm taking a huge risk but an even bigger part of me thinks it's worth it. All they do is bang on about how you must keep on taking the pills. Don't come off your medication without talking to your doctor. What's the point of talking to my doctor? I know what he'll say. I need my medication. I'll get ill without it. Well I've been ill with it. I've been up and down and all over the place for months and months. I'm convinced it caused my heart attack. I can't do it anymore. I seriously can't. I don't want to stop because I think I'm better, I want to stop because I'm not.  Maybe I am being irresponsible by not talking to the psychiatrist but he's a locum, he doesn't know me and I can't stand him. Sometimes you just have to go with your own instinct. I'm not bothered about being on medication if I really need it but that's the whole point, do I really need it? I don't think so. I don't think it's really helping me anymore. I don't think it really did in the first place. I've had enough of feeling shit. I've had enough of crappy side effects. I've read about how people can control their bipolar med free. I've come off the Quetiapine. I was pretty impatient and did it virtually cold turkey. It's now 4.30 am and I haven't slept a wink. I feel really ill. I've got the "jitters", I feel sick and I've got the headache from hell. Well last week I felt sick and headachey all week anyway. See, if this is what it does to you when you're trying to get off the stuff just think of what it does long term taking the stuff. I'm sure it will pass and I'm sure it will be worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. I'm starting to feel a bit scared now but I'm determined to keep at it. Once I've been off the Quetiapine for a couple of weeks I'll maybe think about weaning myself off of the Lithium. I haven't decided yet. I've never really had a problem with Lithium. I've never had bad side effects from Lithium. It's the Quetiapine that has always concerned me.
I haven't told anyone I'm doing it except for one friend who I knew would understand. It would have been too much hassle. I know I'm going to get lectures and all sorts now but when it boils down to it, it's up to me. I'm not a child, I'm not about to run riot. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. I'm a grown woman with a mind of my own. Now it's done and I think I'm ok. Time will tell.
They say that life with bipolar is better with medication. My life isn't that great with it. I'm willing to take my chances. I won't know unless I try.
I'm not taking this lightly. I have thought about it carefully. I'm not doing it on a whim. I know that there is a huge risk involved. I have thought about the consequences for me and my family and friends if it all goes horribly wrong but I'm not expecting it to go horribly wrong. I have enough knowledge now to recognise how I'm feeling. Ffs that's what I seem to spend most of my life doing, analysing my moods. I just want to forget about it and have a life.

By writing this I'm not in any way advocating that anyone should stop taking their medication. For some it could be catastrophic. It's just my own personal view and experience.

Spot on!

       No need to say anything!

Get Over It

  

                                 

Mental illness is not real. It's not a proper illness. 

Bipolar disorder is just a label they stick on people because its fashionable. No one really had Bipolar before all these celebrities got on the bandwagon. Just snap out of it. If you try harder you can get over it. 

I've heard it all before.

People don't tell someone with a heart condition to stop taking their tablets and get over it. They don't tell someone with diabetes that they can live without insulin. 

Bipolar disorder is "real" and without the proper treatment can be deadly. 

Bipolar disorder is an illness that affects thoughts, feelings, perceptions and behaviour ... even how a person feels physically. Its a mood disorder.  It's probably caused by electrical and chemical elements in the brain not functioning properly and is often found in people whose families have a history of mental illness.
While we're at it, let's be clear about something: a mental illness is one that affects the mind, not one that's all in the mind.

Most often, a person with bipolar disorder (manic-depression) experiences moods that shift from high to low and back again in varying degrees of severity. The two poles of bipolar disorder are mania and depression. 

Of course that's putting it in very simple terms. It's different for everybody. It affects people differently and everyone copes in their own way.

I'm not an expert on Bipolar but I'm becoming an expert on my own Bipolar.

I have to be mindful of how I live my life in order to keep well. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's not an easy thing to live with sometimes it's bloody hard but hey, I'm still here! 

                         

Why worry?

I don't know how I end up getting myself into certain situations. I feel like I'm never going to have a normal relationship again. When I was married I never dreamed that I would be single again. I never dreamed that the men in my life would consist of a guy who I absolutely adore, who will never be more than a friend and another who I also adore, who will never be more than just sex. Lol, some would say that is a perfect scenario. Of course I can't leave out my ex husband, who I also adore but don't necessarily like and can't seem to break free from. Things will change. Whenever and however things change it's going to be so difficult. It scares me. Why can't I just enjoy things as they are now? Maybe they are normal relationships.Why do I always look for problems? 

I can't imagine a girlfriend being happy about me spending so much time with her boyfriend. I can't imagine she'd be thrilled about us cooking each other dinner, going out for meals, watching films and getting takeaways. I can't imagine she'd be happy about us having long conversations on the phone every week. I can't imagine she would believe that we are just friends and don't sleep together. I'm scared that she'll try and put a stop to us seeing each other. I don't want that to happen.Why do people have such a hard time recognising that a man and woman can be close friends without sex? Why are people worried that by having a friend like this it's going to stop me meeting someone else?  I love the time we spend together. He makes me really happy. There's nothing strange about it. Of course she doesn't even exist yet so as usual I'm worrying about something that hasn't even happened. I just read that back and it sounds so selfish. I would hope that if he did meet the right person I would be really happy for him. She might even like me! He deserves to be happy which is the most important thing.

 So, I was just about getting used to the idea that it was over. When I saw him out it really was ok. I felt happy that I could be in his company without feeling awkward. I didn't look at him as someone I'd had sex with, I looked at him as a real person and as a friend. 
So how did we end up having sex again? I didn't make him do it. I didn't trick him into coming over. He wanted it as much as I did. The most exciting, amazing sex ever. So how come I feel so confused about it? It was what it was. 
Feelings, fucking feelings, that's what happened. I don't know if it's my mood at the moment, making me more sensitive but I felt that he was saying things to make damn sure I wasn't going to read too much into it and so that I wouldn't expect it to be happening again anytime soon, if ever. That's no different to every other time. We never do spend ages chatting. We never do make plans for a next time. I don't know. For the first time since this all began I felt uncomfortable. Now I really don't what will happen. I feel sure it's just me being stupid and over sensitive. I doubt he's even bothered. Maybe I'm upset because I really do like him and I really don't want it to stop. I love the excitement. I don't want it to be complicated. I'm single, he's single, where is the problem? Maybe the problem is me. 

And then there's my ex husband who is clearly still in love with me but he doesn't want me. He can't come to terms with the fact I have bipolar. That's it. 

I probably do spend too much time worrying about things that haven't even happened. I don't know if that's part of being bipolar or just me. 

I still love you but you've got Bipolar!

The impact of a mental illness isn't just confined to those who have it. It can be just as devastating to those around us. Most of the devastation is born out of ignorance and boy were we ignorant.
I sat at the kitchen table in my old house. I looked around and nothing had changed. Everything was exactly the same. The only thing I could see that was different were some pictures of him and her. He sat opposite me. I could see one of the pictures over his shoulder. I didn't feel upset, I just thought how bizarre. I couldn't stop looking at them. Three years since I left and it was as if I hadn't been away....except for those pictures. When I went to the loo the bathroom was the same. I looked into the lounge...exactly as I'd left it.
So he wanted to explain. Explain it from his point of view. Set a few things straight.
He said he still hadn't moved on even after all this time. He said he still felt guilty for what he'd done to me. He said he knew it was wrong because I was so ill and couldn't help it. He said he still loved me and always would. He said he still felt guilty that he couldn't cope with the fact that I had a mental illness. He talked about how for months and months he didn't know what was happening to me. How he was constantly walking on eggshells in case he did or said the wrong thing. He couldn't cope with coming home to find me sometimes so upset and inconsolable, or full of anger, or "too happy", never just "normal". He was scared to walk through the door. He said he tried to help but after months and months of me pushing him away and not knowing what was wrong with me finally led him into someone else arms. He stayed away because he didn't know what to do. He said that it had a huge impact on his work having to keep taking time off to take me to appointments and having to lie about what was wrong with me. He said it had a huge impact on everything. Years of hiding the fact that I had a problem from friends and family and then the "embarrassment" of having a wife who was mentally ill. He tried to explain how when he took me to appointments with the psychiatrist it made him sick to the stomach. He didn't want to know about it and he didn't want help to understand it....he just wanted to ignore it and hoped it would go away.
He said the whole situation was devastating. He said life was just turned upside down. He just didn't know what he would come home to, so he often chose not to come home. He said when he was with her he could just forget about everything. He said he knew it was wrong.
I don't really know what he wants from me. It's obvious he still loves me but I'm always going to have Bipolar and he will never be able to come to terms with that. He said he wants me to know that he'll always be there for me and he wants me in his life. I don't know if that's wise.
I asked him if he really loved her. He looked at me blankly then said yes but not in the same way he loved me. I asked if it bothered her that he wouldn't make a commitment . He said it bothered her that I still had such a hold over him. That's not my doing.
I told him I've forgiven him. I really have. I think he was weak and selfish but I know he didn't set out to hurt me.  He said he'll never forgive himself. It sounds awful the way he treated me but that really is how mental illness can affect people. I know 100% if I'd had any other illness we would still be together. There is still a huge stigma attached to mental illness. It is still something people find so hard to deal with and to admit to. When it just creeps up on you it really is devastating. I could tell by his face and see it in his eyes that he was telling the truth. I know he feels disgusted with himself for feeling that way. The thing is we were both ignorant when it came to mental health and we were both battling to find answers. We still are. I do still love him, I never stopped but I could never be with him again. I would never trust him and I can't change who I am.
I don't know what will happen. Sometimes I do wonder what on earth is it all about.
I always thought nothing could get in the way of true love....I guess Bipolar can.

How desperate can a drug addict be?

What do you do when your only son is on the end of the phone and begging you for money? What do you say when he tells you he'd rather be dead than have to face up to the mess he's got himself into? What do you do when you know that if you give him money he'll probably use it to buy heroin? Everyone tells me the same. Don't give him money. If I do I'm just enabling his addiction. It's not that easy when someone you love is crying and begging for help. He promised me that he'd hand himself in to the police but needed money to buy Subutex (a prescription drug used to treat opiate dependency) because he felt so ill and couldn't face doing it without. 
What do you do when he sends you a text like this? ...... 
 "I'm your son. If I had a son or daughter I'd do anything for them, drug addict or not. Why? Because I know what it's like. I'm not stupid, I know right from wrong. I know you think you're prolonging me from sorting myself out by giving me money and you're right but I'm ready to do it now. Everything bad that's happened in my life is my own fault because of drugs. Don't ever blame yourself. I just want your help one last time. I need £40. Love you x" 
I gave him the money. I don't know if I was right or wrong. I just pray that tomorrow he'll do what he said and hand himself in. 
Of course he didn't hand himself in. I'm such an idiot. It just goes on and on. I should cut all ties and let him get on with it. I can't do it. When you have a child, that child becomes your world. As a mother you would do anything to protect them. It doesn't stop when they become an adult. It's a life long commitment. The problem is I haven't really been helping him. The thousands of pounds he's had from me over the years hasn't helped him at all. I've just been enabling him to feed his addiction. I hate myself for that. I do feel guilty because I am guilty. 

Christmas Fear

I don't know why Christmas has to be such a difficult time. I guess there's always the expectation that it's got to be the happiest most joyful experience where everything is perfect and everyone is perfect. In reality it's bloody hard work. I can't stand it. I can't stand the whole Christmas thing. I'm not just being a humbug. It really is making me so miserable. I just find it too difficult and too much. Everything about it either sends me into a panic, makes me cry or brings back painful memories. Of course there are times when I get excited about it all, then I get over excited and over enthusiastic only to come back down with a bump. I really would cancel it if I could. I'm trying my hardest to make jokes about it and try to be upbeat but I just wish it was over. I'm not religious so it has no meaning in that sense. I know it's a difficult time for so many people.
I used to love Christmas. I could never understand why people moaned about it. It was the most magical, special time. I used to love the the songs, the adverts, the food, the drunken nights out, family gatherings, the decorations...everything. Now it spells disruption, over stimulation, over excitement, pressure to be organised, fear of unreasonable expectations from friends and family, over indulging, alcohol, loss of sleep and broken routines. Having to look back over another year and the fear of what the next year will bring. Bad memories of past Christmases seem to return with a vengeance. Christmas is a whole host of things that can trigger my bipolar symptoms and upset my mood.
I know the fact that I've had such a hard time this year will compound it. I don't feel that my bipolar has been that well controlled since my heart attack in February. I feel that I'm always close to "the edge". I don't really know how to explain that. I just don't think it would take much for me to lose it completely.
It's everywhere and it's overwhelming. It gets into your thoughts. It makes me want to scream.
I don't know where my son is and I doubt I'll be seeing him. I've never had a Christmas without him before. That will impact on my parents too. Christmas Day will be hard.
I'm aware that trying to commit suicide on Christmas Eve and ruining Christmas for just about everyone I know is not something people forget...I know that even 3 years on it will cross my parents, my sisters, my friends and even my ex husbands mind. I still feel guilty and I'm still petrified that I'll feel that way again. I'm scared to be alone on Christmas Eve.
There will be good times. I know it won't be all doom and gloom. I have great friends and I know my family will look after me. I just have to try and take extra care. I have to try and and keep things as routine as possible. I have support from my care coordinator and a number for the crisis team. I still can't wait for it to be over.

Back to reality?

I'm trying to do things to get myself back into some sort of routine but it's just so hard.
I don't feel as if upping my medication has helped that much. It's two weeks now and I still feel that my mood is all over the place. The only difference I can say is that at times I feel overwhelmingly tired. I seem to be going from high to low in a short space of time. One day I feel full of energy and enthusiasm. I have so many ideas I can't keep up with myself. The next I feel miserable and lethargic and just can't get anything done. Some days I can't stop eating and other days I don't eat a thing. Some nights I'll go to bed at 8 and sleep soundly for hours. A few days later I'm up all night, chatting to god knows who online. Sometimes I have conversations that I'd never have in real life. It sometimes excites me and it sometimes disgusts me. I sometimes get bored and I sometimes get lonely. It's like another world when you're wide awake at three o'clock in the morning and have energy to burn. Sometimes I feel great. A lot of the time I feel like crap. Just lately I've had times where I've I felt so high I've almost been bouncing off the walls. Everything just seems hilarious. I've felt so happy it was as if I didn't have a care in the world. I've also had times where I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. It frightens me how quickly my mood changes and for no apparent reason. It's hard work and it's confusing.
I've decided I can't take the increase in dose of my medication. I haven't really felt any benefit. Even though I'm having some really up times, for the rest of the time it's just making me too tired. Last night I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at mid day. Thirteen hours sleep is way too much. It's not even as if I was doing anything tiring the day before. I still feel groggy and as If I haven't slept at all. If I felt better in myself then maybe it would be worth it, but I don't.There's absolutely no point in talking to my doctor. I know exactly what he'll say. He'll tell me to give it a bit longer and he'll tell me there's a good reason why the dose was increased. I don't care what anyone says. I don't want to feel like I'm not with it. I don't want to spend half my life asleep. I'll just have to do it and hope for the best. Of course now I'm back to square one. It's so fucking annoying.
That's the trouble with medication. It works brilliantly then all of a sudden it just seems to stop doing what it's supposed to do. I know it's risky to muck about with it but I know how I feel. I'm not prepared to be turned into some kind of zombie.
I'm trying to make sure I've got things arranged. It's the days when I'm not seeing anyone or going anywhere that are a real problem. My motivation to do anything is zero, the day goes by and I haven't done a thing. It's just so hard. It makes me feel useless and guilty. It's a vicious circle.
I started back at the gym with the help of my friend who also happens to be a personal trainer. Getting myself there is unbelievably difficult yet once I'm there and doing I feel so, so much better. I can't tell you how much exercise benefits me. Well, it's good for everybody but it really does have a huge impact on my mood. It's hard this time because I'm so unfit compared to how I used to be. It's frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. I'm so grateful to have the support of someone who knows what he's doing. I know I just have to persevere. My best friends son is also giving me encouragement . It really helps to have someone that actually believes I can do it, especially when I so often doubt myself. It's given me a bit of spark back....and of course when I'm a bit hyper and can't sleep I can jump on my stepper and step the time away!
Working in the shop is helping too. I worry about it constantly yet once I'm there it's great. It makes me feel like I'm doing something useful for a change, well I guess I am. I can't believe how tiring it is. It's only a few hours yet I feel exhausted . At least I've got a reason to be exhausted.
I'm trying to make sure I keep in touch with people instead of isolating myself.
If I can just make sure I've got something to do every day then maybe things will improve.  If I can keep myself busy maybe I won't have time to think too much. Maybe I won't feel so out of touch with reality.  Maybe I'll start to feel like me again.