Hypomania ...the good, the bad and the bloody ridiculous

How I ended up being escorted to the doctors by my care coordinator and having to take medication in front of her to make sure I took it, to "calm me down", I don't know. Well, actually I do know and I'm feeling pretty stupid and pretty scared.  I guess I'm quite fortunate in that I have reasonable insight into my moods. That doesn't mean I can control what I'm feeling or always immediately do anything about it but at least I recognise when things aren't quite right. I think so anyway.

I felt myself getting more and more hyped up over a few days. It's difficult to describe. I know I was hypomanic. I know all the signs. I know I was building up to it.  A lot of people think of hypomania as being happy and full of energy and creativity and a good state to be in. Not so for me. Yes at times I felt happier than I have done for months, elevated, excited even but not always appropriate for the situation. The twitching, the irritability, the nervous energy, the thoughts and ideas scrambling about in my head, the frustration. It was bloody hard work. Yes, I did find myself being more creative. I've been doing some drawing, something I've wanted to do for months but whenever I tried it just turned out crap. Even that, though enjoyable was born out of a sense of urgency. I felt that once I'd decided to do it I had no choice. I produced some really good pictures. I even wrote some poems. I never write bloody poems! I've never even wanted to but again the ideas popped into my head and I just had to do it.
I bought a guitar. I've often thought about learning to play an instrument. Well there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was the fact that I've no idea why I thought I needed a guitar....yes  "needed" a guitar. I had an uncontrollable urge to buy it. Even though I haven't got a spare £100 to spend I couldn't rest until I'd bought one. I don't really know what on earth I thought would have happened if I didn't buy it but I just had to have it.
I found being on my own more difficult than normal and wanted to be near people yet when I was with anyone it was such hard work to try and curb my behaviour. As soon as I got near anyone I couldn't seem to contain my excitement and I couldn't keep still, or shut up. I'm lucky that I've got people who know me and don't judge me. When I went to visit my mum in hospital I had to use every ounce of strength to try and keep calm. Whenever I left someone and was driving home I just seemed to flip. The music was blaring, I put my foot down and every other driver was a wanker. I felt almost ecstatic to be racing as fast as I could. When I visited my best friend, by the time she opened the door I was laughing and crying at the same time. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I couldn't tell you if I was happy or sad, just a bit frightened and confused at that point. 
I found myself staying up all night. I didn't even try to get to sleep. I don't really know what I was doing all night. Day and night just seemed to mingle into one.
I got it into my head that I could command things to happen. I'm too embarrassed to say what but I spent hours commanding this and that to happen. I really believed it and when it didn't work I got really upset. I spent hours reading stuff online about the power of thought and mind over matter. Ordinarily I think it's a load of cobblers. 
Sex is another thing. I have no safety net now.  I found myself thinking about a certain person almost constantly. I knew it wasn't right. I'm not taking to being celibate very well, especially while I'm in this frame of mind. All I can do is keep myself away from situations where I might end up doing something I shouldn't. I'm craving physical contact but I just don't think it will ever be the same with anyone else. I don't want casual sex with just anybody. Frustrated is an understatement. I daren't go online and I daren't go anywhere where I might meet men.
Flipping from happy and excited and full of big ideas to angry and frustrated and irritable is not a great place to be. As for "real life", looking for a job, getting into a routine, sorting out my finances, eating properly, keeping fit, it all seems to have gone out of the window.

So, when my care coordinator came to visit me, straight away she said she was concerned about how "high" I was. I was trying to explain to her but I found myself switching from one subject to another. I knew for my own sake I needed to tell her what was going on. I knew I needed her help but I couldn't stop laughing even though I was trying to be serious. When she asked if she could call my GP and the psychiatrist I remember thinking "whatever".  Even when she drove me to the surgery and we were put in a room (not the public waiting room) to wait for my doctor I found it difficult to take in. When my GP came in he told me he'd spoken to my psychiatrist and that they'd agreed that I was hypomanic and heading towards mania and that I needed to go back on the Quetiapine. I think I told him to fuck off and that I was never going back on it again. Part of me could sense the seriousness of the situation but another part of me found it all so funny. I was sitting in a swivel chair and it was really distracting me. He told me that if I didn't take the meds I'd most probably end up in hospital and then I would have no choice. It seemed like we were there for ages. I felt like a child being told what to do.  I got what he was saying. I know he was right. It was just difficult to organise myself and my thoughts. I think I agreed to take a small dose for a week.....mostly to shut them up. My care coordinator persuaded me to take it then and there.
I find it hard to believe but within a couple of hours I'd nodded off in the chair and slept for 2 hours solid. I slept that night too and the next. On the third day I felt so miserable I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop eating too. I was ravenous. I know it was the Quetiapine. I decided not to take anymore. I figured I'd calmed down enough and that hopefully the Lithium would kick and stop me from getting too high again. I feel reasonably ok now. What scares me more than anything is the thought of crashing into depression. I've never experienced full blown mania. My episodes tend to be mixed followed by depression. I feel like an idiot at the moment and I feel like I'm to blame. When I see my doctor I need to try and explain that yes I realise I can't manage without medication but that I'm not prepared to go back on a medication that just doesn't suit me. Lithium is fine but Quetiapine is not for me. I want to be compliant. I don't want to get really ill again but there must be alternatives. I can't go back to feeling how I did when I was on Quetiapine. I can't put up with the shitty side effects and I can't spend the whole time worrying that it could contribute to another heart attack. Now that I feel a little bit more in control I hope I can discuss it with him sensibly. 

I can't keep still!

The last few days have been getting more and more difficult. My Mum is in hospital and I'm really worried about her. I know that the stress is not helping my mood. I've only been back on the Lithium for a few days so I doubt it's doing anything yet. At times I feel exhausted yet I seem to have so much nervous energy. I feel restless and I'm finding it hard to keep still. If I try to keep still it's worse. I find myself jumping out of the chair or kicking my legs about.  It's like I just can't relax. I find myself grinding my teeth. I'm swearing a lot too. I feel like I want to scream. I just don't really know what to do with myself. I have bursts of energy where I get stuff done but I'm not very organised and get distracted. I'm not really doing the things I'm supposed to be doing. Sleep is getting less and less. I'm flitting from one thing to another. My mind is just crammed with "stuff" at the moment. I've been writing and drawing a bit, which channels some of it but that's pretty sporadic. I've got so many thoughts and ideas I can't keep up with myself. When I'm on my own at the moment I feel pretty stir crazy.  This is when I miss having someone around.  I want to talk and I crave physical contact.
I've spoken to a few people about it and I'm thinking of getting a dog. I need something to love and look after. I know I'm always having mad ideas but I think a dog might just help me settle a bit. I know it's a huge responsibility but it could be just what I need. I have so much time on my hands and it certainly won't be short of attention. I'm sure having something that depends on me will help me to get back into some routine. I've read countless stories of how having a pet can help with mental health. 

 When I first got ill I developed a "twitch" in my right thigh. The muscle was almost continually contracting and I had no control over it. I saw a movement disorder specialist in London and she diagnosed idiopathic myoclonus. Basically she couldn't say for definite why I'd developed it but it was most likely psychogenic ....originates from the mind. I find that really hard to get my head round. How can something that is so obviously physical be caused by what goes on in my mind? I convinced myself that it was yet another side effect of medication or that I'd developed some awful neurological condition. I tried my hardest to stop it but that just made it worse. The more I was conscious of it the more intense it became. I became so self conscious about it. It was noticeable to other people, especially my husband at night. He used to get really cross because I couldn't keep still. He often ended up sleeping in the other room. Sometimes my leg was twitching so hard it was painful. No amount of trying to consciously control it made any difference. Unless I was concentrating hard or fully engrossed in something it was there. I couldn't keep still and I felt restless and agitated.  It was always there and always worse at night. I was given a Botox injection in the muscle every few months, which really helped. It almost immediately eased the severity of the muscle jerking. Eventually it disappeared and the treatment stopped. If I think back it was at its worst when my bipolar wasn't under control. Now it's come back with a vengeance and if I'm honest it has to be because I'm not really well at the moment. I don't know if it's a side effect of coming off meds.  I don't know if it's very common for people with bipolar to develop movement disorders. There doesn't seem to be much information about it. I know psychomotor agitation is a symptom of hypomania or mania. What I also know is it's embarrassing and it's starting to get me down. I was at a friends last night and it was so hard to settle. I felt like I'd got ants in my pants! I'm just hoping things will settle as the meds get back into my system.

I told you so

Sometimes it doesn't matter what anyone says. You don't believe it until find out for yourself.
I know I'm not very well. It's all starting again. I've had a really hard time this week. I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going.  I'm constantly worrying about what I've done or not done, what I've said or shouldn't have said. When I first came off meds I felt so much better for a while. I lost that "numb" feeling. I felt more alive. I convinced myself that medication was to blame for everything and that maybe it was all a huge mistake and I'd eventually go back to "normal".  I've realised that I've got to do certain things to keep well but that at the moment I just can't. It's not a case of failing or being weak. It's all happening again. I find myself thinking and doing things which I know aren't quite right. I can't help what goes on in my head. I've been doing things that I know won't help me yet I can't seem to stop it. I know I need to eat. It's a basic thing but at the moment I'm just not able to eat properly. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've lost weight and I'm scared I'll put it back on again. I don't know if it's because I'm just not hungry. I'm really trying but I just seem to have a mental block. When I did make myself eat a proper meal I felt so bad I went straight into the bathroom and made myself sick. 
I know I need to sleep but I haven't even got into bed for the last three nights. I'm tired, I must be, yet I've got so much nervous energy. I can't settle...now how does that make sense?
I hardly ever drink but the other night I got myself so drunk. I was on a mission to drown everything out. I haven't got a clue what I was doing. All I achieved was a massive hangover and more worry. 
I'm trying not to drive far. Last time I drove home I was driving dangerously. I know I was doing it. I didn't care that if I got caught doing over 100 mph I'd be in trouble. The thought of crashing didn't bother me. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
My mood is so all over the place. It's a horrible combination of everything. Mixed up and not making much sense one minute then thinking I've got it all sussed the next. I feel agitated and twitchy. I can't keep up with everything I think I need to do. I'm not depressed and I'm not manic. I know that. I'm not sure what I am. My best friend picked up on it. She said if I didn't go to the doctors she would have to ring herself. I trust what she tells me and I want to talk to her about stuff but I find myself thinking that I must be pissing her off. I find myself thinking about dying. I find myself thinking about how I'd end it all. Those thoughts really scare me. The thing is they come and go so quickly. I feel great one minute because I think I have all the answers to everything then I find myself sobbing uncontrollably because I have no idea what to do. I pretty much had a melt down in the doctors. He said he had no joy in telling me I told you so but that I had to realise that I had a serious mental illness and that by refusing to take my meds I was making myself ill. He said he was worried I could end up being in hospital again and then I'd have no choice. He was so worried that he called the mental health crisis team. 
They sent someone to see me and it did help.  He made me realise that while my reasons were valid I probably stopped my medication in the worst possible way...abruptly and because I was feeling shit. He made me realise that if I don't get my mood balanced enough to be able to do what I need to do to stay well then things can only get worse. He said that medication wasn't going to cure everything but maybe that I should see it as a tool. He said that maybe some of my problems were medication related but not all. Maybe I just wasn't on the right combination or dose. The thought of going back on meds really frightens me. He suggested that I just try the Lithium again and if that stabilised my mood enough maybe I could try again without at a later date and in a more controlled way. I know what he said made sense. 
There was a period when I came out of hospital and I felt really well. I was happy to be on meds then. I think I've been in denial. I guess I have to face up to what everyone's telling me. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that the diagnosis is not wrong. I have bipolar and I have to take responsibility. It's about coping and feeling well, not trying to make it disappear. If I need meds to help me do that then so be it. It's been a hard decision to make but I'm going to restart the Lithium at least. A good friend of mine pointed out to me that when I stopped my medication I was adamant that if it all went tits up I'd start taking it again. Best take my own advice. 

To blog or not to blog?

So I've ended up writing a blog about wether or not I should be writing blogs!!!!! Just about sums up my frame of mind at the moment. Sometimes I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this blog. I started it because it somehow helped to just write stuff down. I had the notion that sharing my experiences might be interesting and useful. Sometimes it gives me a huge sense of relief to write my thoughts down. I never really thought of the consequences. I'm trying to work out where I'm at right now and I read back over some of my past blogs. All I've done is make myself miserable. When it boils down to it nothing ever changes. If I did meet someone special and they read it I guess they'd run a mile. I haven't exactly portrayed myself as the most stable person. 
 If I just give up on it I'll feel like I've failed yet again but I can't really see much point to it anymore. I always have big ideas and start things that I never finish. I suppose a blog like mine doesn't really have a beginning or end. I have had some really positive things come out of it. I've met people who tell me it's helped to know there are other people out there who experience the same things. I've been able to get things off my chest that I wouldn't dare have spoken about to anyone before. My sister told me she has a better understanding of bipolar and how it affects me. I don't know, maybe some things would have been better left unsaid. I get like this every now and then. Have I actually posted anything worthwhile or have I just made myself look like a complete freak?  Trouble is once something is said it can't be unsaid. I've never lied in any of my blogs but I worry that I say too much. I know people read it because I've had thousands of page views but who really gives a shit anyway?  I still keep writing it. I feel almost compelled to keep writing it.
 I've tried so hard over the last few weeks to get my life back in order. I've tried to be realistic. I've tried to just get on with things. Maybe I'm trying too hard.
All day every day I feel like I'm being bombarded with advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing. How to keep fit, how to stay healthy, what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to say, how to be happy, what to think ......It's just constant. It's everywhere. 
I know what I should be doing. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I don't really know what to say. I hate myself for being this way. I don't mean to be selfish. I just can't stand it any longer. It's not a case of being sad or feeling sorry for myself. I just can't see any point. I don't know why people even give me the time of day. What do I actually do for anyone? All I seem to do is fuck up. I know there are people far worse off than me and that makes me feel even more pathetic and guilty. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm not stupid, I'm not unintelligent. Sometimes that makes it worse. I can think about things logically, I can find an explanation for most things. I can talk rationally about things and even convince myself what I'm saying is true. I make plans for all sorts in my head. I feel better about things then whats in my mind just starts taking over and everything is fucked up again. Everything just gets confused and mixed up in my thoughts. What I can't do is take away the pain. I can laugh and joke and pretend but when it boils down to it I'm just so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm so lonely. I really do think I'm crazy. My mind is just constantly going over and over things. I need it to stop. I'm terrified of life at the moment. I'm terrified of death too. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of hell and I don't know how to get out. I guess I do need help but I don't know what anyone can do. I'm not going back on medication.Nothing was any different on medication. 
Maybe I'm writing my blogs in the hope that someone, somewhere will read it and give me all the answers. I know that's not possible and I probably wouldn't listen anyway.