Tell it as it is?

Sometimes I think having Bipolar makes me too honest.Being open and honest is a good thing right? I've always believed it's the best policy to tell it as it is and not hide the truth. Lately I can't help worrying that by writing this blog I've maybe opened up too much. I've left myself feeling like the whole world knows my business and maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. It's not really about what other people think of me, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered . It's about how I view myself. There I go again . Being selfish.  I don't mean to be. I've done it countless times before...said what I think and then wished I'd been quiet. It's always worse when I'm hypomanic. I just can't help myself. Sometimes I say stuff just for effect or to see what people will do. It gives me a thrill seeing people's reactions . Sometimes I say inappropriate things. It just pops out before I know it! Sometimes I just blurt out whatever I'm thinking. I'd never say anything deliberately to hurt someone but I know I probably have. Opening my mouth at the wrong time only really happens at the extremes of my moods. I'm sure I'm generally quite tactful and sensible. When I was a child I was painfully shy, lol, something most people who know me now would never believe. I wouldn't say a thing. I remember being told off for being too shy. I think things changed when I hit adolescence. I suddenly found a voice. I remember being told off for shouting and screaming and being stroppy. Typical teenager.
There are times when being a bit high has been to my advantage. I was the Union rep at work for 12 years. I thought nothing of arguing my point to a room full of managers. I can't imagine doing that now. Whenever we had staff meetings and something needed to be said, they always looked to me to bring it up.There are times when being high has got me into trouble, like the time I called a colleague a lying bitch at the top of my voice in the middle of the Reception area. There have been times where I've thought something was so hilarious at the time yet felt excruciatingly embarrassed afterwards, like the time when my GP asked if I had an increased sex drive ( one of the signs of hypomania ) and I replied " why, do you want a f**k?". I find it hard to imagine that that was me. The more hyped up I am the more likely I am to say the wrong thing.
When I'm depressed I tend to do the opposite. I'd rather not talk to people at all face to face. I do get over emotional though and tend to write messages or emails. I feel compelled to share my thoughts. I just pour it all out and press send before I've really thought it through. I mean every word I say but I probably wouldn't normally say it. I've written pages and pages to people, going on and on about my feelings. I read it back at a later date and just wish the ground would swallow me up.
I guess we all do it but I guess having bipolar magnifies it all. Sometimes I know I'm doing it and it gives me a real buzz to just let it all out. Other times I have no idea and it's a real shock to be told to shut up or be taken to one side and be told I'm not acting appropriately.
I've been worrying about the content of my blogs but I doubt I'll stop writing them.

Love

Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to live the rest of my life on my own. I'm not talking about having friends. I'm not talking about casual relationships and I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about having a partner, someone to share myself and my life fully with. Someone who loves me for me and who can see beyond my illness. I sometimes feel like having Bipolar has damaged me beyond repair and that no one will ever want me as I am. I don't know that I will ever be good enough for anyone to truly love. I don't know that it would be fair to put someone through all the shit that happens in my life because of my Bipolar. Would it be fair to subject someone to such intense mood swings? I know when I'm high I'm pretty affectionate and pretty full on. I want company and I want physical contact. On the flip side, when I'm depressed, there are times when physical contact repulses me and I just want to be alone. I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling a lot of the time so how on earth is anyone else going to deal with it? 
I thought I'd found my soulmate in my ex husband. I thought I'd found the love of my life. If he couldn't put up with my moods then I'm not sure anyone else ever will. He told me that the hardest part of our relationship was the uncertainty. Not knowing what he'd come home to. He also said that was the most exciting part. Would I be sprawled naked across the kitchen table or would I be sobbing like a child in the corner? Would I be jumping up and down with excitement because he was home or would I completely blank him?
 I have fallen in love so many times....probably too often and too easily. Each time it's a different kind of love. It's very real at the time and it really does mean something. I'm sure it is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime, or even at the same time, it's the intensity of it that changes. I can say that every time I've fallen in love I really meant it. I've lived it and breathed it and felt it but it's never been the same as with my ex husband.
Love is a bit like sex I suppose, it can mean whatever you want it to mean.
People use the word love lightly.
People use the word love to get what they want...I'm sure I have.
The words "I love you" have so much power and yet that's all they are...words. Words don't really mean shit without actions.
If you love someone unconditionally then I believe it really is there forever. I don't think you can fall out of love. If you say you hate someone you loved then you probably never loved them at all. I hate what my ex husband did but I don't hate him.
I'm sure there are thousands of couples that stay together, not through love but because they fear being on their own. At times I do fear being on my own. I long to have someone to share my life with and I know I have so much to give but I really can't see it happening. Equally I fear being with someone all the time. I think I'd rather be on my own than risk failing again and I rather be single than just make do.

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"Uppity downess"

This week really has been what I'd call full on. My mind is still over the speed limit but I'm so tired that at least I'm getting proper sleep. I still feel exhausted.
I don't particularly feel that good but I don't particularly feel that bad either. I'm guessing that means I'm getting better. I'm not high and I'm not depressed. Result for my psychiatrist, a bit of a nothing for me. If anything I feel restless. I don't feel as if I've got anything that exciting in my life anymore. Nothing that really grabs me. Nothing to really look forward to yet I've got so much going on.
I've spoken to or seen just about everyone who means something to me this week. I've had moments when I've felt so content and so happy, like when my best friend came back from holiday but I've also had times when I've been sat at home on my own and wished my life away.
I'm so lucky to have so many people that care about me. I don't know why I still feel so alone sometimes. I don't mean to be selfish. I can't help how I feel and that makes me feel so guilty. How can I still feel so lost when I've got huge amounts of support? How can I still hate myself so much when I've got a huge number of people who love me?
I'm sure I'd be in a pretty sorry state without all those people. I genuinely do appreciate how much people care for me and that makes me feel, at times, like the luckiest,happiest person alive.
I guess my mood is generally flat, with a bit of "uppity downess" mixed in. Lol, I'm sure uppity downess isn't a technical term used in bipolar but it's the only way I can think of to describe how I feel. Happy and sad.

All good things come to an end

So it's over. I knew right from the start that it was just about sex and nothing else. Doesn't mean I'm not upset. I'm pretty gutted really. I knew that having sex with a guy so much younger than me was never going to go anywhere. I don't regret a single second of it but I'm struggling to get him out of my head. It was all so exciting and such fun. It's not that I was secretly in love with him  but I do have feelings. I'm just not really sure what they mean. It's the fact that he made me feel young and full of life. What if I never have that again?  When I was with him I felt no different to how I felt when I was in my twenties. In fact I felt better. He made me feel special. I felt totally at ease with myself and totally normal. I'll never forget that.

Sometimes I still can't believe it even happened, let alone carried on for so long. Eighteen months is a long time. I don't know why a young guy like that would want to spend time with someone like me. Not when he's so drop dead gorgeous and has the pick of virtually the entire female population! 

There were times when I wished I was younger but I would definitely have wanted more and spoilt it. That's why I think it lasted as long as it did.....no hassle, no ties, no pressure. I think if we were honest we were maybe both a bit lonely and both getting over someone else, so didn't want all the crap that goes with conventional relationships. I don't know if relationship is the right word. I don't really know what you'd call it!  Some people might think he was using me or that I was using him. The truth is we took advantage of each other and it suited us both at the time.

I don't know what I'll feel when I bump into him. Our paths will always cross, so it's inevitable. I'll probably want to hide but I'll hold my head high and smile. I fucking hate getting old but I'm determined not to let it end in tears. I wouldn't do the same with anyone else. He was special to me at the time and the situation was special to me and it will stay that way until I die. Yes, I will miss having the best sex I've ever had but I will miss him too. Maybe a bit more than I ever thought I would but it's ok.

A part of me hopes we will just pick up where we left off one day. Another part of me knows its for the best to quit while we're ahead and have nothing but good memories.....well that's what I keep telling myself. 

Brain Fog

                                  
If it wasn't for the fact that I can read back on my blogs, I don't think I'd remember a bloody thing of what's been going on over the last few weeks. Everything just seems like a huge blur. Sometimes I  feel so confused that I really do worry that I've lost my mind completely or I've started to go senile . I constantly have the feeling that I've done something wrong or I should be doing something important but I have no idea what.  All I know is that right now I should be sitting in a bar in Benidorm , cocktail in hand, having a whale of a time with my friends. Instead I'm sitting on my own, at home, feeling mighty sorry for myself. How that happened I'm  not at all sure. I really do have trouble remembering what's gone on. I don't know if its to do with medication or a symptom of bipolar, probably a bit of both. The worst part of it is that I can remember some things with precision, usually the stuff I want to forget! I can remember every last word of some conversations. I can remember them in detail, right down to a cough or a sigh, yet I can't remember what I did the day before. I can't imagine just a normal day. Getting up, going to work, cooking dinner, it all seems alien to me. Going over and over the same fleeting conversation I had with someone, worrying that I might have said something stupid or upset them, seems more of the norm at the moment. I just wish I could get back to real life. I don't really know what real life is meant to be like but I feel sure that I'm not in it.  I'm nowhere near to going back to work. The Occupational Health doctor won't even review me for at least eight weeks. He thinks I'm not ready to go back and he's right. I can't even think about work. I can hardly remember what the job entails. When I try to think about it my mind just goes blank. How can I forget what I do for a living? Seems ridiculous. I worry that I'll never get it back. I guess I need to try and get myself back into some sort of routine but its hard when you haven't really got anything to get into a routine  for and when you don't even know what the routine is  meant to be. I'm having to write everything down as I think of it or I'll just forget. Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. Brain fog is what I call it. It's takes my usual scatterbrained state to another level! I'm trying to keep busy so I don't vegetate. I'm trying to read and watch the news so I keep in touch with what's going on but in all honesty I haven't got a clue . It just goes in one ear and out of the other. We could be in the middle of World War 3 for all I know. 

Holiday Blues

 I've made a decision about my holiday. I'm not going to go. Even if I made my mind up to go I don't think I'd be able to get myself organised enough. I've tried to look at it logically and there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't go. All I need to do is pack a suitcase and get someone to take me to the airport . Seems so simple but I just can't do it. The thought just terrifies me. I don't even know what I'm scared of yet as soon as I think about it I feel sick, my heart starts pounding,  I start to sweat and I can hardly breath. I guess I'm just scared of being so far away from home. I know I won't be alone but I'm just not feeling strong enough. I feel so much better but I'm still finding it hard to be out and about. I need the security of my flat. I need my own surroundings and my own bed. I'm sure if I could get myself there I'd enjoy it but I just can't get over the feeling of uneasiness. It's just not worth it. I do feel really guilty even though my best friend has done nothing to make me feel that way. In fact she's been more than understanding. Sometimes I don't think I really deserve to have someone so wonderful as a friend. If it was the other way round I'd like to think I'd be as understanding but I can't say for sure. I bet there are hundreds of people who'd give anything to have a holiday right now and I'm just going to waste it. I really am pissed off. I'm never going to book another holiday in advance. This is the fourth holiday I've paid for and backed out at the last minute. Trouble is I know I will do it again. I'll be on a high and get all excited and enthusiastic about going somewhere and I won't have it that I could get ill and change my mind. I can never seem to do anything the easy way.That's just what I do. 

Racing Thoughts

Today I'm feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want out of life. I feel totally lost. My mind is racing. I keep going over the same scenarios again and again and again. I keep having the same conversations in my head. I can't get myself to shut up. I suppose it's better than being depressed but these thoughts are just another horrible symptom of bipolar, sent to haunt me. It's difficult to describe. They are thoughts that just won't be quiet. It's as if they're on a continually revolving circuit. It's hard to work out what's what because before one train of thought is finished the next one butts in and it all ends up in a jumble. It all happens so fast. It makes it difficult to concentrate because I can't blot them out. When I'm talking to people I know my mind is wandering . I'm trying to concentrate on what they're saying but the whole time I'm still listening to what's going on in my head. I keep going over things that I know damn well I can't do anything about.Some are about things that happened years ago, some about stuff that may never happen. If I tried to explain to someone what I was thinking about I wouldn't be able to. I'm tired because having all this crap spinning around in my head makes it difficult to sleep. Sometimes I think my head will eventually explode. Sometimes I try to drown it out with music. Even then I end up playing the same song . I've been playing the same track in my car for nearly three weeks. I know every word and every note. Is sort of comforting but also annoying. I can't bring myself to change it. 

I'm sure it's because I'm feeling uncertain about so many things. It's because I feel unsettled about  my future.This last "episode" has really taken it out of me.