Time is passing by

Time is passing by and I'm feeling a tiny bit stronger by the day. It's such a long process getting over one of my down episodes. I'm still worrying over the most ridiculous things . I've been putting off thinking about my holiday because every time I do it sends me into a blind panic. It's only a couple of weeks away and I can't ignore it any longer. It's been booked for nearly a year. A week in Benidorm with my best friend and her husband. When we arranged it, it seemed like such a good idea. I thought it would be such a laugh. Lazy days and fun packed nights. Now when I think about it I just want to cry. I just can't see myself being able to cope away from home. The thought of travelling and being in a strange place is frightening. Seems odd when only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to pack my bags and run away. I haven't spoken to my friend about it yet and she hasn't mentioned it. I think she knows. I'm leaving it to the last possible minute in the hope that I'll feel well enough to go. I feel so guilty that yet again I'm going to let people down. I really should have known  better than to make plans so far ahead. I've organised holidays and outings before only to cancel at the last minute because of my health. I'm trying to make myself want to go but it's just not happening. I even got my suitcase down and tried to sort out my holiday clothes. I ended up being physically sick. It's so unfair.

How strange. I wrote all that this morning and when I saw my friend today she mentioned the holiday for the first time. She said she would respect whatever decision I made about it and that I wasn't to feel pressurised in any way or to feel guilty. That's why I love my best friend so much. She understands me so well, better than I understand myself sometimes. She understands my bipolar better than anyone else I know. I feel so relieved that we've talked about it. Two weeks can be a long time when it comes to how I feel so I just hope I feel up to going.

Sobbing Again

I'm sobbing again. It's a regular thing lately but this time I'm crying because I'm happy. I've just seen my son and for the first time in years I felt really proud of him. He just seemed "normal" and when he said goodbye he told me he loved me. I haven't heard that in such a long time. He's managed to wean himself off the methadone completely. I'm under no illusions that he still has the hardest job to stay drug free but for him to get this far is something I'd given up hope of ever seeing. To be able to have a proper conversation about everyday things is such a joy. He's spent time with my family and when I've spoken to them they've had nothing but good things to say. I knew deep down there was a good person trying to get out. He's struggling with withdrawals from the methadone but he's managing to go to work and carry on with everyday things. He's probably done more in the last couple of weeks than he's done in years. He's been out for a meal, been to the pub, been for a bike ride, all things that most people take for granted. I was watching him laughing and joking with my Dad and it brought a lump to my throat. Seeing him look so well and happy is everything I've wished for. I can still see that he's struggling. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be overcoming being addicted to something like heroin and then methadone. I've read everything there is to read about it and it always says the same. Heroin is the hardest drug to beat and methadone is as bad if not worse. That makes me even more proud of him. I do worry that he'll relapse but I've never seen him this focused before and he's got the help and support he needs so I'm trying not to dwell on it. 

For the last 10 years I have watched my only child almost destroy himself and I've been helpless to do anything about it. Now I am watching him begin to pick himself up again and that's the best feeling a mother could have.

Why?

I don't know why he's doing it. I don't know why my ex husband is so concerned with how I am. Since I've not been well this time he's texted or phoned me nearly every day. He even came to see me and brought some shopping. He says its because he still cares about me and always will. But why? Why does he still care about me? I don't know why I'm letting him do it. I thought it was all done and dusted between us. It's a comfort that he's still there but it's also confusing. Maybe he really does just care for me and that's all there is to it. Maybe he's still in love with me and can't let me go. Maybe I'm still in love with him and that's why I let him do it. I don't know. When I felt so miserable that I didn't know what to do, having him cuddle me and kiss the top of my head and tell me I'd be ok made me feel safe. For those few minutes it felt like it used to when we were married. I shut my eyes and imagined I was back in my old house and that everything was back to the way it used to be before I got ill. Of course now I'm feeling a bit better I'm just wondering what the fuck he thought he was doing and even more so what the fuck was I doing? The problem with trying to be "just friends" with your ex is that there's too much history, too many deep feelings flying about. 

I do think he genuinely wants to help but I don't think he understands the aftermath. Its ok at the time but when he's gone and I'm left all alone wondering why we have to be apart, it seems cruel. I doubt his girlfriend would understand. She must be totally smitten or just plain dumb. He never tried to help me in the last few months we were together. He just buggered off and left me to it, so why bother now? It will be three years in November since I left and we still can't seem to draw a line under it all. When he came to see me I thought it was because he wanted to tell me she was moving in or they were getting married or something, but no it was because he was worried about me. Sometimes it's a real comfort to know that if push comes to shove he will help me and sometimes I wish he would just butt out and mind his own business. He tells me he still wants me in his life and doesn't want me to push him out. I guess it's my own fault. I need to decide once and for all wether I want to have him in my life or not and I'm just not ready to make that decision yet.

Selfish?

The last few weeks have been horrendous . I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. At last I'm starting to feel a little better. I still have a long way to go but for the first time I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like waking up from a bad dream. 

This is still a hard  time for me because I want people to know that I'm feeling better and I want to start doing things again but I worry that people will expect too much. Now that I am over the worst I need time to heal and recuperate.  I still feel fragile,  like it won't take much to send me back down again. I know the next few weeks are going to be difficult as I try to ease myself back into real life. I haven't really spoken to or seen many people except for my really close friends and family and I feel nervous about getting out and about again. 

I'm going to a wedding reception next week. They're a special couple to me and I'd been looking forward to it for months. There'll be lots of people there that I care about yet I'm petrified about going. I'm worried about being with so many people. I'm normally the life and soul at a party and I worry about what people will think. I worry I might get overwhelmed by it all and start panicking. Truth is, no one will think anything. They'll just be pleased to see me.....or not! I feel like people are taking notice of everything I do yet in reality people won't really be that bothered. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realise its me making a huge deal out of everything in my mind when it's not really about me. I think depression can make you selfish. It can make you get so wrapped up in your own sadness and pain that you end up thinking its all about you. Maybe selfish is a bit harsh. Maybe self conscious or self involved are better words.

Things are coming together at last

So things are coming together for my son. He's got a chance of some work and somewhere to stay in Chelmsford with my family. I just have to hope he doesn't fuck it up this time. He won't get another chance like this. At 27 he's still young enough to turn it all around. My sister is picking him up on Saturday. It's been hard having him here. He's my son and I love him but its hard to forget all the things he's done because of the drugs. It's hard to forget about the arguments, the stealing and the lies. I've lost count the number of times I've tried to help him only to see him straight back on the heroin again. I've spent thousands of pounds over the years trying to help set him up with a decent place to live and work. I have a gut feeling that it will be different this time. He seems so much more positive and focused. Being in prison really did do him good. Getting away from his girlfriend and his old life will help I'm sure. He's lucky to have a family that are willing to give him another chance. I'm lucky too because I'm really not well enough to deal with it on my own at the moment. It probably has done me some good having him here but the truth is I can hardly look after myself let alone someone else. He's just gone out and I have to say what a relief it was to hear the door slam. I just cried and cried, so much that my eyes are red and swollen. I'm not sure why I cried. I have been using all my strength to stay strong in front of him. I guess it had to come out at some point. Now I'm  worried  what he might be doing and want him to come back. I don't think I'll ever be able to relax with him around. I want to trust him and I want to believe that he can stay clean but it's been a long time and so much has happened.  He's a grown man, not a child and he has to step up. I need to back off and leave him to it.

Feeling a Little Better

Today is the first day that I've actually felt a bit better. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I've got a bit of my fight back. I'm nowhere near back to normality but I'm planning things in my head. That's definitely a good sign. I think I've been way too hard on myself. I need to give myself a break. Even without the bipolar, I've had a lot going on lately, which would be enough to stress even the strongest of people out. I'm not superwoman after all.....well only sometimes! 

 I need to get back into a routine. I need to tidy my flat and look after myself. Sounds so basic but I don't think I can even think about work or holiday until I get the everyday things sorted. I've decided to stick with the medication for a bit longer. I don't think it would be wise to try and come off it yet, not now that I've started to feel half human again. I'm still not convinced that its doing me any good in the long term but I can't worry about that now.

It's amazing how my thinking can change so dramatically in just a few days. Last week I really couldn't see an end to it all. It frightens me how my mind works. I still keep crying at the drop of a hat. I've got so many things to do and its overwhelming and frightening. I'm finding it hard to know where to start. I do worry about the future and what will happen to me but for now I need to focus on today. 

Having my son stay with me for the last week has been difficult. It's impossible to get into a routine and that's what I really need. I couldn't turn him away. He came out of prison with nothing but the clothes he was wearing. His flat was repossessed while he was inside and he doesn't want to go back to his girlfriend. He hasn't used heroin for three months and I am really proud of him for that. It's probably the first time in about seven years that I've seen him looking well and able to have a proper conversation. That's definitely something to be thankful for. I feel like I'm on the way to getting my son back. He still has a long way to go. He's still on a small dose of methadone, so he's not completely drug free but this is the furthest he's gone towards getting clean. He has a far harder job than me in order to get some normality. He has to find a job, find somewhere to  live and stay heroin free. I worry that he's inherited bipolar from me. I can't say that I've seen any signs that jump out at me but its hard to tell what someone is really like when they're always drugged up to the eyeballs. Right now he is a thoughtful, polite and nice person to be with, just like he used to be before heroin.That's all I can ask for, only time will tell. He deserves a chance and I will do my best to make sure he gets it.

Running Away

I wrote this a few days ago...before my son got out of prison and arrived on my doorstep with nowhere to go.

I need to get away from here. If I don't then I really will die. I need to clear my head and I can't do it if I stay here. My mind is so full of crap, all mixed up so I can't work out what's what. I don't want to hurt anybody and if I stay I'll end up hurting everybody. It probably is selfish to up and leave but I have no choice. I need to sort things out and I can't do it here.

I know things wont disappear if I go but it will give me breathing space.There's so much stuff I need to make decisions about and I just can't do it. I feel broken. Maybe if I get away I can try to fix things . It doesn't matter what anyone says, things will never get back to how they were. It's impossible. Once something is done, it's done. I feel ugly on the inside and outside. I feel like damaged goods. I don't think anyone is ever going to want me fully. I need to be able to survive on my own. I need to start again and I can't do it without leaving. I'm no use to anyone at the moment anyway. I've got nothing to give. All I do is take and I hate that. 

I don't know how long it will take. It doesn't mean I won't come back. Maybe it won't be any different but I feel like this is my last chance to try and make things better. I don't want to be this way. I need to work out what I've done wrong to get me where I am and what I can do to put it right. All I can do is try.

I obviously can't go if I have my son here. I don't know if I really would have gone. I often feel like running away but that's different, what I'm talking about is making a fresh start. I'm getting suffocated by doctors and pills and people. I just want to be me again. I want to be happy and at the moment I'm not.