How hard can it be?

How hard can it be to just get up and get yourself ready for the day ahead? I can't do it. I don't know why. I just can't face another day of wandering around aimlessly. I can't stop crying. I don't really know why I'm crying. It's everything. Everything is overwhelming. I just can't do it, whatever "it" is. I thought by now that things would be getting easier. I thought the tablets would kick in and I would feel better. Well I don't. When I talk to people I say I'm feeling a bit better because its the easiest thing to do. What I really want to do is shout  " no I'm not fucking better". I don't know if I can carry on. I was trying to think of everything good in my life but there's always some obstacle in the way. I can't see a way out this time. I'm not planning on taking my own life even though I think about dying all the time. I couldn't do that to my family. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the funny one, laughing and joking and full of life. I don't mean to let them down . When I talk to my Mum I know she knows but I try to play it down. She's getting old and I should be looking after her, not the other way round. 

I wish someone would do something. I know that's not possible. It's me, I'm the one who has to do something. I just don't know how right now. I'm supposed to be a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Right now I feel like a pathetic , weak, stupid creature.

Whatever happens, I am trying my hardest to beat this and that's all I can do.

Pills

As I stuff my face with another handful of medication, I'm wondering if its all a load of crap and that it's the medication that caused half my problems in the first place. 

Maybe the very first time I decided to do what the doctor said and take antidepressants because it would "make me feel better" and " it's perfectly safe" , was the start of it all. Yes I was mildly depressed and yes I was asking for help but millions of people get depressed and get over it without turning to drugs. If I hadn't given in and swallowed that first pill, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here in a complete mess.  

Maybe I haven't got bipolar at all. I'm not denying that I haven't had the symptoms, of course I have, I'm just questioning wether I would've had it all so bad if I'd have left the medication alone. So what if I was a bit up and down. That's just how I was. I don't trust most psychiatrists. All they seem interested in is prescribing as much medication as possible to shut you up. They don't care about wether you can function normally. They don't care if you get a heap load of side effects.  As long as you're  not high as a kite or suicidal they don't give a shit about what happens in between . As long as you keep taking the pills they seem happy. 

I'd love to just flush the lot down the toilet but even I'm not that stupid. If I decide to come off them all I need to do it slowly. Side effects are bad enough, withdrawals can be worse. I would love to just see for myself if I could get better without all that crap inside me. I need to think about it seriously. Well, I have been thinking about it non stop. I'm not well at the moment so it could hardly make things worse. I'm trying to think of the worst possible scenario......I'm already in it. Maybe without all that shit inside me I could think clearly and just be who I am.

Round in circles

Well, me not writing anything didn't last long. I  haven't really got anything upbeat to say yet but I'm still taking it as a good sign. At least when I'm writing I'm doing something. Something  is better than nothing. 

I am watching my goldfish. They just swim around in circles, stopping every now and then, to do what I don't know, then swim round and round again. The only time they show any kind of excitement is when I put the food in. I feel like a goldfish at the moment. I'm going round and round in circles and not really getting anywhere. I don't know what I want to do. I know what I should be doing but I don't know how to do it. This really has been the hardest time I can remember. I feel totally lost. I worked so hard to get myself out of the shit and in the blink of an eye I'm right back in it again. Nothing has changed on the outside, it's just me. Everything that's happened in my life is spinning around in my head and I can't make sense of it. I know these things take time but I don't have the patience. The thought of days and days of being miserable is too much. I want to wake up and none of the last few weeks have happened . I was enjoying life and looked forward to a future. Last night I wished I could go to sleep and not wake up. I hate those thoughts. I keep telling myself that thoughts are just that and they're not real.

When I talk to people I have to use every ounce of strength I've got to try not to break down or sound too miserable. I don't want people to get fed up with me. I feel paranoid that people are avoiding me. I would avoid me. Who wants to talk to someone with nothing good to say. Part of me wants to hide away and just be left alone but another part of me craves love and attention. Without my friends and family I think I really would die. 

As I write this, sense tells me that yes there is a point in trying to get better. I obviously do still care. I'm just plain terrified of what might happen on the way. Maybe I do know what I want after all. I want to be a worthwhile person. I want to love and be loved. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be sad. I want to be kind and helpful. I want to be happy in my own skin. I want to feel alive. I've been there before so maybe I can get there again. That's about as positive as I can be at the moment. It's a start.

Broken

I don't know how long it is since I saw my psychiatrist. I don't feel any better. Each day is just merging into the next. Every night I go to bed hoping that when I wake up things will be better and every day I wake up and things seem worse. Every night I imagine what I'm going to do the next day but when it comes to it I can't seem to do anything worthwhile . I was stupid to think I could go to my psychiatrist, get some new pills and then everything would be ok. It doesn't work like that. It could take weeks for the medication to start working again properly. I don't know that I can face weeks of feeling like this. What if the medication doesn't work this time? I've always had a bit of fight in me but it seems to have gone. I'm tired of it all. I feel so alone even though I'm surrounded by friends and family. I want someone to take all the sadness away. I miss my ex husband, even though I doubt he'd be any help. I don't want to be living on my own. 

I should have seen it coming. I was so smug thinking I had everything under control. I thought I knew the signs and I thought I could deal with it. How stupid.

Everything is such a mess. My flat is untidy. I don't do untidy yet I haven't got the energy to sort it. I am a mess. I can't see the point in doing my hair.I don't want to put any makeup on because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't know what will happen with work, obviously I'm off sick again. I haven't opened any letters or checked my bank account for days. I'm normally so organised to the point of being almost obsessive, yet right now it's all just one big jumble.

When I first started writing this blog I felt proud of it. I felt like I had something worthwhile to share. Now I just seem to be writing a load of miserable stuff. Writing things down helped. Now I think I'm just making myself more unhappy. Maybe it's time to stop until I've got something worth sharing.

I wish I could explain

I wish I could explain how it is without making it sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Life just seems so unbearable at the moment. I feel like I'm in pain yet there's nothing physically wrong with me. I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to look at things logically. I'm an intelligent woman and I know that bipolar is an illness that doesn't stay constant. I've been really well for a long time now so it's Sod's law that at some point something would change. I know that changing medication has to have an effect. I know so much about bipolar and how to manage it yet I'm making the biggest hash of it and I really can't help it. I feel useless and I feel scared. I feel scared that I won't be able to get back to that person who copes and smiles and enjoys life. I can't explain how difficult it is to do even the smallest task. Having a bath and getting dressed seems like such a huge thing. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't matter how hard I try to think about it. I can't " snap " out of it. It's ridiculous. 

I keep telling myself that things will get better but a huge part of me can't see how on earth that's going to happen. When I went to bed last night I imagined all the things I was going to do today. Wasn't anything spectacular, just tidy up a bit. I didn't do anything. I woke up at mid day and it took me pretty much until tea time to have a bath and get dressed. I can't work out how something so simple turns into something so complicated. I seem to spend hours wandering around not knowing quite what to do. It's so frustrating.

I know I have to take it one day at a time. I can't even imagine going to work or going on holiday. I can't even imagine going shopping. 

I wish there was a way to make people understand but obviously you can never understand something unless you've lived it. I feel so guilty because it all seems so selfish. My life is good yet it feels worthless at the moment. 

Tomorrow I'm going to try and at least tidy one room. Sounds pathetic but that's what I need to do....give myself one small goal each day.

I've started back  on the medication I was on before my heart attack. It worked well and helped keep me stable for a long time. It's not good for my heart but after long discussions with my doctors we decided the benefits outweigh the risks. So all I can hope is that it starts working again and I get back to some normality. 

I do feel so guilty. I hate the thought of letting people down yet I know I'm doing it all the time. I will always be grateful to the people that have stuck by me. That means more than anything. There are people who I know that avoid me when I'm like this. I don't blame them, I would probably be the same. I wouldn't know what to say or do. I know I push people away when I'm like this but I really don't mean to. I don't always want to see people or talk to people but it doesn't mean I don't care deep down. My true friends don't need to say or do anything really. They are just there and that gives me hope.

No logic

It's three days on since I saw my psychiatrist. He wasn't any help really. He thinks my lithium levels might be up the shute and until he gets the results he can't give me anything else or any answers. He doesn't really know why I suddenly feel so shit or why I started imagining things. I hate him for being such a dick. He's the one person whose supposed to have answers. Last night I took some sleeping tablets and for the first time in I don't know how long I slept in my bed. I slept for ten hours solid. I don't feel any better for it. 

I don't feel in control at the moment. I can't concentrate on any one thing. I've been trying to get myself up and ready for about three hours and all I've done so far is get a bra and pair of knickers out. The thought of having a bath and washing my hair is like I'm about to run a marathon. I'm going to see a friend tonight. I know I have to make the effort to get out . I want to take some more sleeping pills and hide under the covers but I know that wont solve anything. 

When I'm well I can always see the importance of doing certain things and taking care of myself. I can see the logic in it. I can't see the logic in much at all right now. It's like torture and its cruel. 

I'm trying not to think about Monday and work but its getting closer. I cant even get myself together to go visit a friend. How on earth am I going to go to work? I really don't think I can do it. That will be it then, I've completely fucked up the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I even care. Maybe I was only doing it because its what people expect. The happiest I've been lately was volunteering in the charity shop....no pressure yet feeling like I was doing some good. I thought my job would give me a purpose. It just terrifies me. I'm working with people that are so vulnerable and so in need of the right care. I don't think I'm good enough to deliver that care....not consistently anyway. I don't know what to do. If I was 100% well then I know I am right for the job but if I'm totally honest I'm never 100% well and I can't do that to people. I have tried my hardest, really I have. I wish someone would tell me it's ok. 

I feel like I've let people down. Maybe by Monday I'll feel differently.

I'm so scared

So now it's 2am and even though I'm absolutely knackered I can't go to sleep. I've got every light on in my flat because I'm too scared to turn them off. I can't bring myself to go to bed in case I start seeing things again. I feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of horror film . Last time I was in bed I saw some sort of creature standing by the side of my bed. I know it wasn't real but it looked real at the time and I don't want to chance it coming back. I can't turn the light off because everything turns into something horrific. I still feel scared but at least with the lights on I can see everything clearly. I don't think I want to go to sleep. I'm worried something might happen. I feel like a child.

I saw my care coordinator today and she's arranged for me to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She thinks my medication needs reviewing . I know it does. I know I can't carry on like this. I can't function properly . My phone just made a noise and I nearly jumped out of my skin. My heart is beating so hard I can feel it and hear it. I'm typing away because it takes my mind off of it. I don't know what else to do. I just want the night to hurry up and end.  

I don't know what's started all of this. Maybe starting a new job, maybe my son going to prison, maybe medication, maybe nothing. Maybe it's just part of the bipolar. I need help to sort it. I try my hardest but I'm not really managing it at the moment. I need to go to the loo but I'm too scared to get out of the chair. I have to go past my bedroom to get to the bathroom....fuck it.

Well, I finally plucked up the courage to go. It's taken fifteen minutes to calm down and be able to type again. I hate this. I don't think I can deal with this for much longer. I'm relying on my psychiatrist to do something. 

It's morning now and I'm just so relieved that the night is over. I think I nodded off for a couple of hours but I don't feel like I've had any sleep. I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've written as much down about what's been happening so I don't forget when I see my psychiatrist . I have to keep telling myself that while I can still do that there's still hope. I can still think and if I can still think even weird thoughts, then I still have some sanity.
This is the only post I've written where I'm worried about what people will think. I feel like a failure because I can't sort myself out and I feel inadequate for having such stupid thoughts. I don't want people to think I'm stupid, I'm just trying to explain how things are sometimes.