I got sent a text message this week ...
"You can't go around fucking people and playing the cancer card"
I can't say I'd heard that phrase before. Cancer card... what does it even mean? Cancer isn't a fucking game. Sorry for swearing but I'm angry. I feel mortified to be honest, really upset and hurt and I can't get that phrase out of my head. I looked it up ... from what I read I think it means using a cancer diagnosis as a way to get what you want. I don't know.
Yes, I write my blog, which I've been doing for the last 6 years, way before I had cancer. It's not in your face, it's easy to scroll past, no one has to read it unless they choose to click on the link.
No I don't hide the fact I have cancer but I don't go on about it non stop. I write my blog as a way to cope with it all. I talk to people about it when they ask me but I try not to drag other people down with my problems. I've never consciously used having cancer as a way to get what I want.
I like to think that the people in my life are there because they want to be, not because they feel sorry for me. I like to think my friends are my friends because they actually like me, not because I have cancer.
I've always felt very strongly that having any illness, no matter how awful, doesn't give people an excuse to be an asshole.
Sometimes it might be the reason why I may act out of character but I'm still the same person and I've never used any of my illnesses as an excuse for anything I do.
So I've fallen out with someone who I thought was going to be in my life until the day I die. Someone who told me he'd never loved anyone as much as he loved me, who promised he'd always be there, who said I was his best friend and that he wanted me in his life forever.
For the best part of the last three years this person was a huge part of my life. We had a rocky start, mostly because of his behaviour, but I was taken in by him and somehow we always ended up drawn together. I fell in love with him. When I was recovering from my surgery he made so many promises about the future. He made me believe he was going to be by my side no matter what. We made plans for the future and things were looking up. Then out of the blue he told me he'd met someone else. He said he thought she could give him the family life he wanted. Something I'd never be able to do. I gave him my blessing because I knew I couldn't compete. How could I when I don't even know what my future is? He made me feel guilty that I couldn't give him all those things yet wouldn't let me go. Every time I tried to break away he told me he didn't want to lose me. He kept our relationship alive by continuing to message me, call me and come and see me. He stayed involved. He shared my bed and he did just enough to make me believe that I was the one he really loved. I'm not saying I never got upset. Maybe there were times when I was needy. Yes there were times when I cried and said I was scared and I didn't want him to leave me. There were times when I was distaught about my situation. I'm not going to apologise for that. I'm a human being and of course I opened up to him. That's not playing the cancer card is it? How can sharing my feelings about cancer and dying with someone who was supposed to be my friend and love me be wrong? He knew I was vulnerable and he manipulated the situation. I was too stupid to realise it at the time.
After months of being in the shadows, I told him I'd had enough. I told him I wanted him to decide what he really wanted. I told him I didn't want to be second best. I wanted to make the most of life. I told him that all I had to give him was myself. He told me he loved us both. Yes, I did get angry and say if he didn't make his mind up I'd tell his girlfriend. I told him I wanted to be more than just friends or a secret lover. I told him if it wasn't me he really wanted then just walk away .... leave me alone .... stay out of my life for good. He could have left, but no, he cried and cried and said he wanted me in his life. When he ended up in my bed yet again, making more promises, saying he couldnt resist me, when he looked me in the eye and told me he'd always love me, I believed every word. What an idiot I am.
In the end I did tell her. It was just going on and on, round in circles. I felt bad for her but really I was probably doing her a favour. He would have continued to make my life a misery and continued lying to her. I don't know what he thought would happen if things just carried on as they were. Maybe he thought eventually I'd just die and save him the bother. That's a horrible thought and probably a bit harsh but that's how he's made me feel.
He's now telling people that everything he ever did and said was because he felt sorry for me because I'm dying of cancer. Really? All those months and all those things he did and said were lies ? Everything was because he felt sorry for me? What sort of person would do something like that? He told his girlfriend he only had sex with me to pacify me and to stop me telling her. He told her I'd bribed him to have sex! I really can't get my head round that. Whatever way I look at it its a shit thing to do. He must have been a bloody good actor to manage that. He must have been a bloody good actor to carry on making out he cared for the last seven months. No I don't buy that at all. He told her that to try and justify the fact that he was cheating on her for their entire relationship. That's just vile. What a coward.
I'm struggling to comprehend how someone I was so close to and trusted could actually be so cruel.
I'm struggling to make sense of it all at the moment. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. I'm not perfect and maybe it was wrong to keep seeing him when I knew he was seeing someone else but it wasn't my responsibility to stop him cheating was it? I've gone over and over it in my head. What did I do wrong? Was I selfish wanting him to be with me when I've got nothing but problems? Did I read it all wrong? No ... I didn't do anything wrong apart from love someone who isn't worth it.
He knew exactly what I wanted and how I felt because I've always been 100% honest. He treated me like shit, he treated his girlfriend like shit and really he doesn't deserve either of us.
I don't think he really truly loved either of us. He kept me in his life in case it all went wrong with her because he doesn't want to be alone. He thought she was his meal ticket out of his disastrous life. He wanted his cake and eat it too. I don't know if she'll forgive him. I can't.
Playing the cancer card? No ...He's using my cancer as an excuse for his disgusting behaviour and that's even worse. That's got to be the lowest, most selfish thing anyone can do to another person. He's despicable. He's a cunt ...and I never use that word normally, I hate it but I can't think of any other word for him.
I feel devastated. I doubt I'll ever speak to him or ever see him again. I wish I could hate him but I don't. I don't hate anyone. I actually feel sorry for him. I don't know how he can sleep at night. One day I hope he realises that you can't treat people the way he does. I doubt it though. He's too selfish.
I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get over all this but I have to.
So I've got four days to go before I see the Thoracic Surgeon in London to find out if he can do anything about the cancer that's spread to my lung. I'm trying to be positive about it. I'm trying to hold it all together.
The trouble now is that when I'm really down about it I'm too scared to say anything to anyone in case it's seen as playing the cancer card. I want to cry and sob and say I'm petrified but I won't. I'll do what I usually do. I'll smile and say I'm fine and get on with it.
I have to believe that all the people in my life right now are there because they want to be. I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people alive to be surrounded by such amazing friends and family. I can't let one person make me bitter and suspicious of everyones motives.
I can't and I won't let one person ruin the rest of my life.
