Things could be a lot worse ... yes they could but they could also be a lot better. Just because things could be worse doesn't mean what's happening isn't hard to deal with.
I haven't really felt much like writing things down lately. I'm struggling a bit today so writing stuff down might help. I hope so.
After my last scan in October and all the uncertainty over a lung nodule that showed up, I had a PET scan which highlighted more uncertainty. There was a possibility that the cancer had spread to my abdomen as well as my lung. What I've realised is that as amazing as all the technology is, and as clever as doctors are, sometimes they just can't tell what's happening straight away and they don't have a crystal ball. Cancer can be a sneaky bastard ! Scans can pick up all sorts of things that have to be investigated but it's only by waiting and repeating them that they can work out what's really going on. So they compare one scan to another and come to their conclusions.
I just had the results of my last scan. They've confirmed that there's no evidence of spread in my abdomen (hooray) but that the lung nodule is a metastasis (fucking hell). So fantastic news and shit news all rolled into one.
Could have been worse...they could have said the cancer has spread everywhere and that there's nothing they can do.
Could have been better... they could have said there was no evidence of cancer at all.
I've been referred to The Royal Brompton Hospital in London to see the thoracic surgeon. I'm told he's one of the best in the country and as it's just one spot it may be possible to get rid of it. They use the term potentially curative treatment but they won't ever say cure.
So now I'm waiting again to see if I have to have lung surgery. They've told me I'll be seen within a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks right now seems like a couple of years. It's only 7 months since my last surgery to remove the bowel and ovarian tumours. My back surgery will be put off again. I don't want lung surgery. It's crap. I should be grateful that they can maybe do an operation, I know I should be grateful...its still crap.
That's one of the worst things about cancer that no one really tells you about. The contradiction in your mind of wanting time to stand still so you can make the most of life and wishing time away so you can get answers and move on to the next step. Even when nothing is actually happening it never leaves you. I don't think that is ever going to change now. There are times when I'll get engrossed in something and really be enjoying myself ...then bam... something to do with cancer pops into my head. It's so hard to shut off from it all. This last few days have been the worst.
I try not to go on about it when I'm with friends but sometimes I just need to get it off my chest. I hope I don't get on everyone's nerves. There's nothing worse than someone keep moaning all the time.
I've tried so hard to be positive and carry on with living. Some days lately I haven't had the energy and I just don't seem to get any joy out of anything. I'm getting frustrated with myself. I know I have to keep going and take each day as it comes but today is a bad day. I feel guilty for having a bad day when I've got so many friends and so much support and I know there are people in a far worse position than me. I've been panicking, not sleeping and pretty down. I worry about my Bipolar and having a relapse. I worry about dying. I'm worrying about everything. I don't feel strong or brave. I feel a bit sorry for myself which is pretty pathetic. I'm getting on my own nerves today.
I rang my care coordinator and chatted to him. He says I'm being too hard on myself. He says what I'm feeling is normal.
Well, I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.
