I just had my latest scan results and apart from being told "you're cured", which isn't going to happen any time soon, it was a great outcome. The suspicious lung nodule that grew at the last 2 scans has grown but only by a few millimeters, so is classed as stable disease. There's always a slight discrepancy in measurements apparently. There's a tiny 2.5 mm nodule on my other lung which they say isn't a concern. There's no evidence of disease anywhere else which is amazing and a huge relief. So really I should be jumping through hoops ! It's mostly good news.
Don't get me wrong I was so relieved. I'd worked myself up into such a state over the last few weeks imagining every worst case scenario possible, so the fact that nothing has really changed is a miracle.
I don't know, maybe it's an accumulation of 18 months of uncertainty and all the other health and personal things going on. It just seems to be an endless cycle of don't knows ! It still is. Nothing ever gets resolved. I go to these appointments and I think I understand what's going on then I get a copy of the report and I get confused again.
In the meeting we talked about chemotherapy and the fact that it would be palliative not curative and would be to shrink a tumour and alleviate symptoms. Well as I don't have any lung symptoms and the lung nodule is small, and they still can't 100% confirm what it is, it wouldn't really be doing anything apart from making me ill. Then when I get the letter it says Mrs Browning is not keen on having any chemotherapy at the moment, as if I've just decided off my own bat. So then I start worrying about that.
Maybe I'm analysing everything too much. I can't help it, it's what I do !
Honestly this week has been shit and I daren't say anything because everyone thinks I should be thankful it wasn't really bad news. I feel guilty if I say well actually I'm not over the moon about it all. I should just forget about it and get on with life. Well I am trying but what I really wanted was for them to say no evidence of disease anywhere. Probably only people who have or have had cancer will know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm having my thyroid levels tested again tomorrow to see if the Graves Disease is under control enough to be able to have my back op.
I know I'm pretty depressed at the moment. Having my back op cancelled again really set me back and Graves disease is shit too. It's one of those things most people haven't even heard of but it just makes you feel awful.
I am trying to do things but it's hard. In my head I want to do so much but I'm just too knackered. Some days I take Libby out first thing and that's it ... I'm done for the day. When I do end up doing something I usually get carried away and end up paying for it for the next few days. I've had some really great times out with friends over the last few weeks so at least if I feel ill it's not for nothing. I couldn't stand to be stuck in 24/7. I'd rather go for a walk in pain than sit on my backside all day!
When I talk to people about it I'm so sensible and rational. In my head I'm thinking the opposite. I hate the thought of people thinking I'm always complaining or feeling sorry for myself so I try not to say too much. I wish I could listen to my own advice.
Anyway I've got an appointment with the oncologist coming up to discuss what next so hopefully things will be a bit clearer..probably not. I'm guessing it'll be wait until the next scan to see if anything changes. I feel like I'm living in Limbo Land, just waiting for the next thing to crop up.
I'm moaning again I know. It's hard to shake off the negative thoughts at the moment.
Maybe I should blame Brexit or the weather ... I know I'll be ok because I've still got a sense of humour through the tears and I've got a whole host of amazing people keeping me from completely losing it !
