Saturday, 18 May 2013

Mountain out of a molehill? life just gets better and fucking better. I'm so miserable. I knew at some point this would all end in tears but like an idiot I chose to ignore it and carried on getting myself in deeper and deeper. I always tell people that I'm fine with being just friends and how great it is...all the benefits of a relationship but without any real commitment or hassle. And as for sex, well that just complicates things. The truth is that's all a load of bollocks. It's not fine...well it is until the thought of you with someone else pops into my head. I want you to be happy so I try my hardest to deal with it but every time something happens I put myself through more misery.
When we went out for that meal , it felt so right to be sat with you but at the end of the night I wanted to grab hold of you and kiss you and I didn't want to go home...... and thats not right. That's not what you want to do with a friend.
 I know what I need to do...I need to distance myself from you. Let you get on with your life. I need to back off and give you some space. I will miss you...I already do, that's the thing. I really am thick as shit at times. The thing is you know all this. I don't think you've got a bad bone in your body but you're either more stupid than I am or you choose to ignore things too. You know how I feel and you've continued to let it carry on. You've pretty much been there constantly for the last six months so when you're not about I think there's something wrong .You've been involved in pretty much everything in my life. You've let it happen. I know you haven't led me on by sleeping with me or telling me its anything different but come on ......what were you expecting to happen? 
I know that if I'm to be a friend worthy of being called a true friend, then I need to let you go.
I do love you and that's why I can't keep on kidding myself. 
So instead of doing the sensible thing, I've just made myself look even more ridiculous and pathetic. I really wanted you to come round , not talk on the phone. It always seems so desperate over the phone. I wanted to be grown up about it all but no, what do I do? ....cry like an idiot. 
I can't believe I'm making such a huge deal out of the fact that I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. It's probably not even about me. Maybe it really is that you are tired and just want some time on your own. I hope it just goes back to how it was. Things will probably seem different tomorrow . I will probably feel differently tomorrow and what was a huge deal today will seem silly.
 I can't believe I  wrote all that. I'm feeling quite down at the moment. I've got a lot going on. Maybe that's why I'm over- reacting. I think I am anyway.

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