Thursday, 18 April 2013
Nine weeks ago I had a heart attack. I know, I'm a bit young. It was a bloody shock . I thought I was reasonably fit....lol in body anyway.
Great just what I need as I'm getting myself and my life back on track. I don't want to feel sorry for myself but for fucks sake , how much more shit can one person take? I know I'm not the healthiest person in the world but really , a heart attack at 47 ?..pleeese give me a break someone.
I hadn't felt the best for a couple of weeks, you know, cough, fluey type thing but I was feeling better so thought I'd get back on it with my exercise class. It was fine. I'd done two circuits and was on the third. The funniest thing was that I was training with a young guy called Dan and I really was giving him a run for his money. He's only 21 and I was being a bit smug about being over twice his age and him not being able to keep up with me! Sometimes I wish I knew how to keep my gob shut.
I'd just done a minute of press ups and when I stood up I felt a bit strange. I wasn't in pain but my chest did feel a bit tight. I had to sit down. Poor Darren who runs the class. He kept asking me what was wrong but I didn't know. I just knew it wasn't good. I didn't know what to do with myself.
I remember Darren calling an ambulance and I remember how worried he looked. The fact that I was having a heart attack didn't cross my mind at all. I just felt very odd and a bit panicky.
In the ambulance the paramedic said to me " I won't beat about the bush , you're having a heart attack". Say it as it is why don't you......bastard! All I could think of to say was " Am I going to die?"
I thought he'd say "no you'll be fine" but he didn't . He said "well we are taking you to Basildon and that's the best place" I can't really remember but I think I cried. AlI kept thinking about was what if I don't get to see anyone ever again.
I think that was one of the longest, bumpiest , most uncomfortable journeys ever.
When we got to Basildon it was almost surreal. People everywhere. I remember them sliding me onto the operating table and thinking how well they did it. Haha moving and handling is a big part of my job. It felt like I was being pushed and pulled and touched from all angles. As they were whipping my clothes off all thoughts of dying disappeared and all I could think of was "shit, why didn't I do my bikini line and shave my legs". I don't really remember it in detail what they did to me. I was awake but I think the morphine or whatever had made me light headed. Lol I'm sure I was floating around the room at one point.....no not one of those near death things.....don't believe in all that shit! It wasn't pleasant but at the same time it really didn't seem that bad.
I must have nodded off. When I woke I was in a bed surrounded by curtains. I was hooked up to all sorts. The noise was really irritating me. I hate noise like that . High pitched beeping.
That's when I was really convinced I was going to die. I must have screamed out or something because a nurse came running in. She was sweet. She explained that I'd had a thing called an Angioplasty and that they'd unblocked an artery and put in a stent. She said it was a good thing because they'd cured the problem ...well that was ok then! She asked if I wanted to contact anyone but I couldn't think. All I wanted was a piece of paper and a pen so I could write stuff down that I wanted to say to important people, just in case. I panicked because I didn't have my phone. I obviously gave her a number because she rang my sister. I wanted Sue but I didn't want my family...I always feel guilty when it comes to my family, guilty and somehow stupid for causing them yet more grief. I wanted my ex husband, I wanted my friend ( I'll write about him later) and I wanted to tell my other friend that he couldn't come over ( will tell you about him later too! ). I thought about my son but I didn't think there was much point in telling him. I think I then slept and slept.
I know I had loads of visitors and texts and calls but I have pretty much blotted out my time in hospital. It seemed like a life- time but was only 4 days.